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Goop Holiday Gift Guide, Gwyneth Paltrow

If you thought Oprah's 2014 favorite things list was pricey, well then, LOL.

TodayGwyneth Paltrow released her annual Goop gift guide, and it makes Winfrey's presents look like the stuff of peasants.

Yes, Martha Stewart's mortal enemy has cherry-picked the most obscenely expensive items on the planet for your holiday shopping needs. Just kidding, none of us mere mortals will be buying anything off this list, which totals up to over—wait for it—$109,384. (Not including the "price upon request" items.)

Paltrow writes: "We tried to keep as much as possible at the $100 mark, though there are some splurges for your nearest and dearest. Plus, a girl can always dream."

We repeat: LOL.

So now just for funsies, let's take a look at how the Oscar winner justifies her ‘spensive-ass suggestions, shall we?

Goop Holiday Gift Guide, Gwyneth Paltrow

Product: Easy Health Angel Juicer Gold, $4,739
Gwyneth Says: "Absurd, but awesome"

Product: Valentino Canvas Trolley, $4,545
Gwyneth Says: "Yeah right, but how cool is this?"

Product: Hermés Avalon Blacket, $1,500
Gwyneth Says: "If only we could buy these in bulk." 

Product: Cartier Juste Un Clou Bracelet, $7,600
Gwyneth Says: "The fanciest nail around."

Product: Balenciaga New Classic Biker Jacket, $2,614
Gwyneth Says: "Quite simply, the only leather jacket you'll ever need."

Product: Golden Goose Slide Sneakers, $575
Gwyneth Says: "Who knew 14-year-olds know Golden Goose?"

Product: Artemare Longboard, $495
Gwyneth Says: "The next level skateboard"

Product: The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape, $3,190
Gwyneth Says: "A totally chic, wearable blanket"

Product: Harry Winston Diamond Cluster Ring, price upon request
Gwyneth Says: "Be still our beating hearts."

Product: Indoor Football Table, $3,500
Gwyneth Says: "A total investment, but the kid in us can dream."

Product: Arthur Umanoff Bar Cart, $1,495
Gwyneth Says: "We have always wanted an Arthur Umanoff Bar Cart."

Product: Esque Diamond Thickie, $12,000
Gwyneth Says: "We'd take anything from Esque, most notably this one-of-a-kind insanely expensive vase."

Product: Ceramic Platter, $765
Gwyneth Says: "Gorgeous enough to justify a spot on the wall"

Product: Baccarat Eye Vase, $650
Gwyneth Says: "A big-time crystal vase in royal purple"

Oprah's roundup is looking real good right about now, right?