Sometimes you sit down to write an introduction to a story, and you find yourself completely speechless. This is one of those times, so all we can think to say before showing you these pictures is…we're sorry.
The castmembers from the British reality show The Only Way Is Essex (think Real Housewives-esque stuff) were recently seen on vacation in the Spanish coastal town of Marbella. And they were frolicking around in the sun wearing what we honestly believe is the most insane and most revealing piece of beach garment known to humans. These photos are probably NSFW, so mind your surroundings before scrolling down.
Are you ready? Are you? You think you are, but you're not:
Yep. That's a thing. That is a thing somebody chooses to wear. We thought the thong was the smallest bathing suit you could wear, but today we learned that we were so, so wrong.
TOWIE star Bobby Norris is sporting what looks like a piece of spandex that covers only a man's equipment (twig and berries) and then wraps itself around one hip and tucks itself into the butt cheeks? Maybe? However it works, it looks painful as hell.
Here is a view of the backside, because you really have to see the whole bathing suit to really appreciate its ingenuity:
That's Bobby's boyfriend Harry Derbidge, who is also not afraid to show off what his mother bestowed upon him. We have to hand it to these dudes; they have found a way to be almost completely naked without actually being naked. There is nothing left to the imagination here, folks. And with bodies like that, who can blame them?!
Now, we know that some of you guys out there are curious enough to maybe try this thing, and lucky for you, you can buy it! It's available on the French clothing website Inderwear in an array of colors:
Can you see that OK? Is that picture close enough? Large enough? Good.
We have some questions about these things:
1. How do those things stay on?
2. They can't possibly be remotely comfortable, right?
3. Are they hygenic?
4. Doesn't that hurt a man's special area?
5. That has to affect fertility, right?
6. The official name for this bathing suit, according to the website, is String Latéral Flash Bleu Alter. But we can come up with a better name, can't we? Our suggestion is Groin Scruchie or Weirdest Tan Line Ever, but that's just off the top of our head. Your turn!
And since we know you're thinking it, the answer is no. You will never unsee what you just saw.