Macall B. Polay/courtesy of HBO Well, we're not sure what we were expecting, but that wasn't it.
In the beautiful world of our dreams, Oberyn defeated the Mountain easily but not too easily, so it was still a thoroughly entertaining fight, and he and Tyrion celebrated with a great big hug and some wine. And all that stuff about Ser Jorah betraying our Khaleesi? Yeah, that didn't happen. We don't even know what you're talking about. Plus, everyone came back to life except for the bad people, and winter canceled its trip to Westeros once and for all. The end. You're welcome. Good night.
Alas, life never matches our dream world, and neither did tonight's Game of Thrones. We were momentarily happy for a few of our favorite characters, like when Sansa brought out her best acting skills to deliver a truly masterful testimony that let Baelish off the hook for Lysa's murder, proving that she's far smarter than most people give her credit for. Although, now it seems that Baelish wants to get Robin on the throne, with Sansa at his side, which is just…ew.
Arya and the Hound arrived at the Vale and while it sucked that Lysa was now dead and couldn't pay the Hound to take Arya off of his hands. At least it prompted Arya to burst into laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of the state of her life. Sure, it wasn't really a happy moment, but we're going to take what we can get during this emotional time, OK?
At least there was a small amount of happiness for Ramsay, whose father finally declared him to be his son when he succeeded at using Reek/Theon to take over Moat Caitlin. And in Meereen, Missandei and Grey Worm had some cute flirting going on, which, you know, good for them!
But also in Meereen, Dany learned that Jorah had originally been spying on her for King Robert, leading to that poisoning attempt. Despite the fact that it was also Jorah who saved her from the poisoning, she tells him to pack his things and casts him out of Meereen for good.
And now we've arrived at the part we'd rather not admit happened at all. Tyrion and Jaime shared a few minutes of brotherly reminiscing before the dreaded trial by combat and it was sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. We were nearly fooled into thinking that Oberyn was going to best the Mountain and he probably would have if he hadn't been more interested in his own (well-deserved) revenge than actually killing the man. He had the Mountain bloody and on his back, but he was too determined to get a confession that the giant man had raped and killed Oberyn's sister to finish the job. He did get his confession, while also getting his head smashed in.
It was one of the most horrifying things we've ever seen, even if we didn't really see it because we had our fingers over our eyes. We were even almost too shocked to understand what was happening as Tywin declared that Tyrion would be sentenced to death.
So there you have it. Everything is so terrible that we don't have any questions for you except perhaps for why, Game of Thrones, why?! Head to the comments with your thoughts on that timeless query.
PHOTOS: How do you think tonight's death ranks in the history of Game of Thrones?