Christopher Meloni claims to have The Best Ass on Primetime ("There was a national vote," he bragged to Conan O'Brien). By our estimation, though, he only has the fourth-best ass in primetime.
(WARNING: This post contains many butts. And the following butts are presented without censorship, for your enjoyment. And because when you blur a butt crack it looks very gross.)
13. Adam Levine
Where Dat Ass At: The Voice, formerly American Horror Story: Asylum
Describe That Butt: People's Sexiest Man has People's Pancakiest Butt. Sorry!
12. Max Greenfield
Where Dat Ass At: New Girl
Describe That Butt: Now we're talking. This butt has some volume to it. On TV, this butt is often in a pair of Schmidt's slacks, and it looks nice in those slacks. This is a suitable butt.
Where Dat Ass At: American Horror Story
Describe That Butt: This butt gets a few bonus points. We did not expect Evan Peters to have a particularly stand-out butt, but this one is decidedly...not bad! It's a breath of butt air from seeing asylum patients get their legs cut off or watching witches have sex with centaurs.
10. Adam Driver
Where Dat Ass At: Girls
Describe That Butt: Second to Lena Dunham's Hannah, Adam (played by Adam) is the most naked character on Girls. Which means we see this butt a lot. And you know what? We ain't mad at it.
9. Paul Wesley
Where Dat Ass At: The Vampire Diaries
Describe That Butt: This is the butt of a CW star! But not the best butt on the CW...
8. Stephen Amell
Where Dat Ass At: Arrow
Describe That Butt: THIS is the best butt on the CW.
7. Jonathan Groff
Where Dat Ass At: Looking
Describe That Butt: This butt is a very nice butt. This butt is the perfect balance of firmness and plumpness. It is muscular, but it is not too muscular. It is round, and it is high. And it sits atop a sturdy pair of thighs, which is also very nice.
6. Tony Goldwyn
Where Dat Ass At: Scandal
Describe That Butt: This butt is presidential! It's no wonder Olivia Pope acts so damn stupid sometimes, because this is a butt you make dumb decisions for (like say, DATING A MARRIED MAN WHO IS ALSO A MURDERER).
5. Ryan Kwanten
Where Dat Ass At: True Blood
Describe That Butt: This butt is a perfect bubble butt. This butt should be studied by scientists and written about in The Journal of Science and Butts, referenced in a college thesis paper and cited in the bibliography section, MLA style.
4. Christopher Meloni
Where Dat Ass At: Formerly Surviving Jack, formerly Law & Order: SVU
Describe That Butt: While technically this butt is not even on primetime anymore (IT'S WORTH NOTING, CHRISTOPHER MELONI), it is a nice butt. Good for stretching and other butt activities. Good for you, Christopher Meloni. Good for your butt.
3. Matt Bomer
Where Dat Ass At: White Collar
Describe That Butt: Another technicality: Technically, these pictures of Matt Bomer are from Magic Mike. But ever since we saw that butt in a thong, we cannot think of it any other way. This is a butt you remember.
2. Joe Manganiello
Where Dat Ass At: True Blood
Describe That Butt: This butt is BIG! And we mean that in the best possible way! This butt is like Joe Manganiello sat on two honey-baked hams and now that's his butt forever.
1. Dylan Bruce Hot Paul
Where Dat Ass At: Orphan Black
Describe That Butt: This is the golden standard of butts. This is the butt that all other butts are jealous of, because they will never be this butt. This butt is smart, this butt is kind, this butt is important.
This butt is the Best Ass on Primetime.