Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson

Dear Ted:
Could you please explain why Robert Pattinson was wearing an "Avalon Swingers" T-shirt to Coachella? As I'm sure you know Avalon Swingers is a sexual club for people who like to swap partners. What the hell is going on? Is this what you've been trying to tell us for so long?

Dear Sex, Lies and No Videotapes:
For the same reason his girlfriend Kristen Stewart wore a "White Trash" tee to the concert. Because Rob and Kristen think it's funny messing with people—and I agree. But seriously, Twi-hard, don't you think that if the Twilight twosome were hitting up underground key parties, someone might let their little secret slip?!

Dear Ted:
Don't harsh on Rooney Mara, she's just doing what any ambitious young actress should be doing—securing roles. Speaking of Mara, what is the state of a follow-up to The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? I really loved the English version and I'll be sad if they don't make all three books.

Dear Tat-Two:
First of all, I was hardly "harshing" on Rooney. I think the chick is fab. And don't worry, despite Rooney's superbusy schedule, she—and Daniel Craig!—are contractually obligated to make the next two Lisbeth-centric films. When they'll get made and who will direct them (fingers crossed for David Fincher again!) is a whole different story.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Liz Taylor might have had a rap sheet (like Lindsay Lohan) if she had grown up in the age of TMZ and 24-hour celebrity hounding and without the big studio machines covering up for their stars? Also, LiLo could be more like Liz by doing charity work. She could tie in charity events with her clubbing, which would give press to the clubs, negate the bad behavior she is planning for that night and benefit the charities. Win-win-win. What do you think?

Dear Police Blotter:
I think any young celeb having a rap sheet that resembles LiLo's rather lengthy criminal past would be quite the feat. Sure, Liz may have benefited from her time, but she also had far different motivations behind her sometimes-diva antics than Linds does. For one, Elizabeth earned it.

Dear Ted:
James Franco as Richard Burton? Um…no. But as Montgomery Clift, Liz Taylor's BFF and confidant for many years, he would be perfect!

Dear Love It:
So brilliant. Also don't forget both Liz and James have been on General Hospital (another fab tie in).

Dear Ted:
Am I missing something about the Jennie Garth-Peter Facinelli split? All I've ever seen is that they tried to work things out, couldn't and agreed to split. While these things are painful, it seems like Jennie is painting Peter as the villain in this split, complete with black swirling cape, top hat and curly handlebar mustache. What gives?

Dear Out for Blood:
That's a bit harsh. Jennie hasn't exactly been slinging mud, but Peter keeping his trap shut—while maybe making him look like the guiltier party—was also smart. I don't think their split will tarnish either of their careers in the end.

Dear Ted:
Obviously, you know how Kristen Stewart loves to wear Rob Pattinson's clothes. The Nonstens actually posted on their hate blog that Kristen made copies of his clothes to get people to believe that she and Rob are together. It's the PR theory again. Are these people for real? What's going to happen to these poor souls when Rob and Kristen are still together post-Breaking Dawn? Mental ward, maybe?

Dear News Flash:
Darling, the Twilight movies are never going to actually end. So I'm afraid we'll all be locked up eventually.

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