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Lindsay Lohan, Snooki, Tamera Mowry, Adam Housley, George Clooney, Elisabetta Canalis, Ellen DeGeneres

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com; Los Angeles County; Daniel/Mauceri/INFphoto.com; Ethan Miller/Getty Images; Michael Becker / FOX

Ellen DeGeneres is no longer the toast of American Idol but variety was still the spice of life this past week as we ricocheted from jail to Italy to Jersey and back, just in time for the breakups, babies, busts and wedded bliss that fills in the blanks.

Dig right in:

REBUILDING YEAR: Not one to sit around and be dissed (and then have to diss others), Ellen DeGeneres did herself and her fans a favor and undramatically stepped down after one season on American Idol, paving the way for none other than Jennifer Lopez to perhaps assume a judgeship on the show. After which, the way will probably have to be repaved in gold.

CRY FREEDOM: Lindsay Lohan, having thoroughly broken her personal best of 84 minutes, cannot wait to get out of jail this weekend. Can you blame her? She's seen no one over the last week except for her mom, sister, Samantha Ronson and her attorney (and her Inferno costar later admitted to only saying he saw her in person to drum up publicity). Also, on the other side of the bars, newly freed Alexis Neiers was all too ready to talk about Lindsay's jailhouse behavior. Going straight to rehab sounds like pure joy right about now.

WEDDING BELLS: A lot of you really, really cared that Sister, Sister star Tamera Mowry-Housley is engaged to Fox News correspondent Adam Hauser. And that's really nice...T.I. made an honest woman of the mother of two of his five children, more celebration to come this weekend...Chelsea Clinton is luxuriously tying the knot tonight in true presidential fashion—security is costing more than the dress...Hulk Hogan's ex-wife is engaged to her 21-year-old boyfriend

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON: Snooki, disorderly? Shut yo' mouth! Alas, the wee 'n' feisty Nicole Polizzi was arrested for disorderly conduct after allegedly passing out in the sand and attracting way too much attention after a Jersey Shore taping in Seaside Heights.

WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?: George Clooney's girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis, went from being the subject of wedding rumors to being dragged into some Italian nightclub's cocaine scandal. We understand why she was probably less distraught by the former.

Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin

AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast

SECEDING FROM THE UNION: A couple of weeks after happily announcing, tabloid cover-style, that they were reengaged, Bristol Palin showed Levi Johnston the door again, this time because of her concerns about his recent contact with an ex. Who is not to be confused with his pregnant ex.

DADDY, DON'T LOOK AT ME!: Lawrence Fishburne's 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is about to make her adult-film debut, calling it an "important first step" in her career. She means her career as a waitress, right?

REPEAT OFFENDER?: Casey Affleck was sued for being gross again, albeit by someone mentioned in the first complaint against him, so maybe... Eh, conspiracy theories aside: where there's Joaquin Phoenix, there's weirdness happening.

GULF WAR: Sandra Bullock wants her part excised from the oil spill awareness PSA she taped after learning that the organization that sponsored it has taken money from oil spiller BP in the past. And we've seen that Sandy's not one to stick around when her morals are compromised.

BABY TALK: Diablo Cody welcomed a son with hubby Dan Maurio...Melissa Rycroft and hubby Tye Strickland are awaiting their first...Emily Procter and musician Paul Bryan (and E!) are expecting...Julianne Hough joked about having one with Ryan Seacrest...Miranda Kerr is the latest bump suspect...Mel Gibson invited a family services employee to observe his visit with his 9-month-old...The-Dream did what days before Christina Milian had their baby?!

Violet Kowal, Mel Gibson

Courtesy of Zach Cordner; Michael Kovac/FilmMagic

GIBSON GIRL: Violet Cowal, who claims she was seeing Mel Gibson while he and Oksana Grigorieva were still together, said in a long sit-down with E! News that he was just as charming (i.e. scary and loud) with her as he sounds in those tapes.

FAREWELL: Maury Chaykin, who played volatile producer Harvey Weingard on Entourage, died of kidney disease at 61.

LAW & ORDER: DMX put away for 90 days...A woman accused of cutting Leonardo DiCaprio's pretty face will go on trial...Even high-kicker Steven Seagal gets restraining orders sometimes...Jimmy Fallon was sued for sexual discrimination by a male staffer...Michael Jackson's army of doctors not named Murray will not face criminal charges...The IRS says Chris Tucker owes $11 million...James at 15 star Lance Kerwin gets probation for stealing benefits in Kauai...Sharon Osbourne might not get off easy for Charm School faux pas.

REHABBING: Chris Klein is extending his drying-out period...Eric Roberts joined Celebrity Rehab to kick his last vice, a marijuana dependency.

TRYING OUR PATIENCE: Watch it, Oliver Stone. We've had enough cranky dumbasses on our plate lately.

KEEPING UP: Move over Kim, Kourtney and Khloé, because now Kendall and Kylie are making waves in the modeling world...Kim Kardashian urged a fan to not get reconstructive surgery to look like her.

TV LAND: Watch With Kristin is reporting the latest scoop from the fall 2010 Television Critics Association tour...Everyone's talking about President Obama's appearance on The View...Troy Aikman's gonna dance?!...Julie Chen is leaving The Early Show to focus on The Talk, which will be like The View, only without viewers...SYTYCD's double elimination...Survivor always has a gimmick...The Bachelorette's in for a "surprising" ending.

MOVIE MAGIC: Meryl Streep and Tina Fey will play mother and daughter...Jodie Foster's The Beaver is rated PG-13...Twilight vampire Edi Gathegi joins X-Men: First Class...Might Lee Pace then go and join Breaking Dawn?...Old Spice fellow Isaiah Mustafa is employed by Jennifer Aniston's Horrible Bosses...Daniel Craig will be in The Girl WIth the Dragon Tattoo, but Kristen Stewart won't...Rihanna will board Battleship...Check out the 2010 Toronto Film Festival lineup...Gwyneth Paltrow's new movie comes with a country single...First look at Penélope Cruz and Johnny Depp in Pirates 4!

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Italian Villa

RAMEY PHOTO; Jeff Vespa/WireImage

REAL ESTATE: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie added an Italian villa to their roster of snazzy home addresses...Teresa Giudice would prefer not to sell all the expensive stuff in her New Jersey house...Eddie Cibrian is moving in with LeAnn Rimes in Calabasas, Calif.

SEEN: Zac Efron and Corbin Bleu dropping $2,000 at a NYC strip club...Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem, Richard Jenkins and Billy Crudup dining at famed Napa Valley restaurant the French Laundry with other Eat, Pray, Love costars...Daniel Radcliffe pubbing it up with his mates in London...Lady Gaga making out with bf Luc Carl in a hotel pool in Houston...Paris Hilton not heiling Hitler in St.-Tropez...Robert Pattinson bumping into an obliging paparazzo's car in Malibu unawares...Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz doing their best daredevil impressions on British TV...There were a lot of stars to catch up with at Comic-Con.

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