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Kate Gosselin, Jon Gosselin

Donna Svennevik/ ABC; Joe Coomber/Sipa via AP Images

Conspiracy Corner, Comic Con 2009 Brick

Oh, we bet she thought she'd get away with it, too!

The plan. The plot. The tummy tuck.

But she never figured on us, the paranoid shut-ins who take notes during Glenn Beck

It is we who know what Jon Gosselin himself might not: That his just-announced departure from Jon & Kate Plus 8 is the direct result of the scheming of his jealous, fame-chasing costar: Kate Gosselin!

Here's exactly how she got sole custody of their show, and by exactly we mean probably, if not probably not:

The trap:

In 2006, Kate gets a tummy tuck. From a surgeon with an eligible daughter. An eligible daughter who was "home and bored."

The ploys:

Kate bans Jon from playing beer pong in the house.

Kate casually leaves a get-one-ear-pierced, get-the-other-ear-free coupon in the kitchen.

With Jon standing nearby, Kate gripes aloud how much she hates Ed Hardy clothes, and how she hopes she never, ever, has to share a home with a man who wears them.

The inciting incident:

In January, Jon, fed up with Kate's beer-pong ban, visits a Pennsylvania bar, and blows off some steam with a rousing game of, yes, beer pong.

The fallout: 

Jon looks bad. Kate yells at Jon for making her look bad. The fight escalates. In a bid to annoy the hell out of Kate, Jon goes to the mall and buys every stitch of Ed Hardy he can find. On the way out, he remembers that ear-piercing coupon he happened to find in the kitchen. He decides a couple of diamond studs is just what he needs to brighten his day.

The fallout, part 2:

His makeover complete, Jon looks even worse. Kate yells at Jon for making her look even worse. Jon storms off to the house of an old friend—Kate's tummy tuck surgeon.

The inevitable conclusion:

"Sad and bored" Jon hits it off with "home and bored" Hailey Glassman. Romance blossoms. Divorce with Kate beckons. Hounded by bad press, and succumbing to big-head syndrome himself, Jon tires of his TLC show. Kate Plus 8 is born.


Then again…

We could be totally off-base on the coupon thing. You rarely see good deals like that anymore. 

Also, we suppose it's possible that the Gosselins' world blew up too big, too fast for them, and that to this day the couple doesn't have a clue as to what they're doing. How else to explain Jon's U-turn on the divorce? Or Kate's flapper hair on The View?

No way anybody plans that.