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Beyonce Knowles

Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Give me the awful truth on Beyoncé. Something tells me she is not the humble and loving person she claims to be. I'm thinking she is really just as bitchy as J.Lo. Is her marriage to Jay-Z going to last?
The Queen

Dear Bitchoncé:
Is B a diva? Hell yes. But she does have the right to be—honestly, I find her to be shockingly kind of nice. For a superstar.

Dear Ted:
I have been following "The Awful Truth" for quite some time now and am a huge fan of you and, of course, Robsten. I have to tell you how concerned and disturbed I am by the recent tenor of the posters. Such hate and venom and downright creepiness (almost borderline stalking)! Everything from when R.P. and K.S. lost their virginity, to their alleged drug usage, to questions about their sexual orientation are fair game. And if someone doesn't agree with another's opinion, the name-calling and crude comments are unbelievable. I know you can't control what your readers post, but maybe you could ask them to tone it down.
Annie

Dear What Would Robsten Do:
Hear hear! Let's keep the message boards a totally fun escape for readers out there.

Dear Ted:
I find it incredibly absurd that Jennifer's Body is not doing so hot at the box office! I mean, pretty much every idiot male, teens and older, gushes about how they'd pick a "fantasy situation" involving Megan Fox, yet they have no interest in her actually (wanting to) act in a movie that doesn't exploit or degrade women! I admit, I thought Megan Fox was actually one-note and pretty slutty, but the way she handles interviews truthfully shows us that she's self-aware on how assy her performance and everything else in Transformers [is] complete garbage. She's not that "no-talent slutbag from the Maxim covers" anymore. She's actually a modern celebrity feminist! Oops, did I have a question?
Lucy

Dear Fox Watch:
Hey, I'm with ya, doll-puss. But on the flip side, we are in a recession? It's time to pick and choose our luxuries, and sorry, but Jennifer's Body isn't going to get my $15.

Dear Ted:
I caught Twilight hotness Jackson Rathbone twice this month performing with his band, 100 Monkeys. We loved the shows...and him. So energetic, smiley, played every instrument onstage, etc.... Sadly he didn't seem too interested in conversing with the fans. Is he scared of us? Shy?
—Anon

Dear Come Out and Play:
Jackson isn't exactly the shy-guy type. When we get him in interview situations he's totally fun and goofy. Plus we hear he's the prankster on set.

Dear Ted:
I am totally crushing on Ian Somerhalder. What's his story? Is he dating someone? Has he ever been a Blind Vice?
Kathy

Dear Vamp It Up:
Ah, you must go for the bad-boy types, then?

Dear Ted:
I just got back into town and missed reading your blolum on vacay. This is more of a comment than a question. We had to board our dog while we were gone and when we picked him up he had dried bloody scabs on his nose and sores on his front legs. They told us it was from him being stuck in a crate the entire time. Um, excuse me? They didn't let him out very much, apparently. Their excuse was he was "unsociable." What can I do about this? We originally adopted him from a shelter because he came from a badly abused home. They must assume he is a "bad" dog because of his breed, but that is not the case. What would you do if you discovered Charlie had sores on him? Thanks for reading. Keep up the Robsten love.
—Nocturnal

Dear Rightly Pissed:
This business is grossly in the wrong, as far as I'm concerned. Tons of dogs have tough backgrounds, but that doesn't mean they should be caged up as a result—they need special care, which, of course, is what you're paying for with a boarding operation. You should have been alerted prior as to your pet's condition, he should have been walked privately from time to time, and his wounds dressed—at the very least. Write back and out these losers! 

Dear Ted:
Ted & Co., I love you guys, especially for loving the meanies out there.
Kara

Dear Call a Spade a Spade:
We have no problem calling a bitch a bitch, when deserved (coughJennifer Garner), but some of these Hollywood types just don't deserve the bad rep!

Dear Ted:
I was reading some comments on here and there was this person who kept writing bad stuff about you like you are a liar. How would you know all about this private stuff? Blah blah blah. Basically they were saying that you make it all up. So I was wondering if they didn't like it, why would they bother reading it. I know I would not. I figured it was someone you write about because they were just too interested in something that they said was stupid. Do you think these celebrities actually write comments and send emails to you? You are awesome!
Angie

Dear Be-yotch Patrol:
I wish celebs would do that! Sadly they hide behind their PR peeps. As for all of this Robsten stuff I assume you're referring to? Darlings, I couldn't make this juice up even if I wanted to.

Dear Ted:
Is Stinky Carrot-Crotch Jason Segel? Love him. He just needs a good teacher. Love your blog, Ted!
Sandy

Dear Right on the Funny:
Wrong on the dude. Right on the type.

Dear Ted:
If the tables were turned and you were a Hollywood celeb and the tabs were reporting on you, which celeb would you most resemble (attitude, personality, etc.)?
Klandis

Dear Not So Fast:
I'm not playing that game because then I'd have to say Amy Winehouse because, really, there's ultimately little difference between smoking crack and tobacco—they both usually kill you in the end.

Dear Ted:
Has Shia LaBeouf ever been the subject of one of your Blind Vices?
T7po  

Dear Duh:
Is Brad Pitt a hot daddy mess?

Dear Ted:
I think I have a good guess for Judas Jack-Off: Nick Jonas. Great hair, sweet face and I never believed in his faux-mance with Miley Cyrus.
Erica

Dear Justin & Britney Jr.:
There was nothing faux there, sorry!

Dear Ted:
I've got it! You said you're switching to women and who better to break you in than the professional dater, Jennifer Aniston! Think of all the inside scoop you'd get by being her boy-toy! You'd be on the cover of every magazine cover in the world. You'd be famous. Ted and Jen. You could be Jed or Ten. Perfect match, yes? You've have pretty babies and your mom would be happy.
Dmpirkle

Dear Shocking:
At the rate she's picking them, I'm probably her type. I will say, I'd go for Jen over Angie.

Dear Ted:
Megan Fox needs to reinvent herself and add a little class, instead of the skank thing. It would be so nice to be able to look at an uprising celebrity and think, What style...what class...and a good role model. Use those looks and wit. I wish she'd done a romance or drama, something with substance, instead of the stupid teeny-bop horror flick. Your thoughts?
—Caroline

Dear Fox 2.0:
We sorta dig the whole thing Meg's got going on. She's hardly stopped transforming (how clever am I), just wait for it.

Dear Ted:
In all the pictures I've seen of Kristen Stewart from the Eclipse set, she looks totally unlike herself. It's more than just the bad wig; her whole face looks different. I can't quite place what it is...bad eyebrows, maybe? Weird, cakey makeup? Do you think they're trying to make her look blah in this movie so her "transformation" in Breaking Dawn is more dramatic? I've always thought she was a very pretty girl, but those photos just look awful.
Haley, Pennsylvania

Dear Hmm:
Look, isn't Bella supposed to be super-plain Jane?

Dear Ted:
I am sure you are going to think I am sick for even being interested in this, but I find the Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo breakup fascinating. Did he cheat on her? Is he a total douche? Or did she cheat? Anyone cheat? Was the breakup really that ugly? Thanks.
Sara, Calgary

Dear Random Pick:
As far as I've heard, I think Tony just got fed up with Jessica (and family). There's not a whole lot behind that perfectly coiffed head, totally sweet as it may be.