Bitch-Back! Are America's Sweethearts That Sweet?

Who is America's real sweetheart? Aniston? Paquin? Has Julia Roberts been dethroned finally?

Dear Ted:
Has Julia Roberts ever been the subject of a Blind Vice? Not currently but perhaps back in the day? And has Julia ever worked with Toothy Tile?
—Meg in the Mountains

Dear Paging Miss Roberts:
Does something about Julia's toothy smile make you suspicious? Very interesting. J.R. might be as squeaky-clean as she appears, but yes, she sure made the Blind Vice hall of infamy back before she settled down. Jeez, looks like this marriage is lasting a lot longer than folks thought it would, eh?

Dear Ted:
After looking through the Blind Vice photo gallery, which I loved and thank you, it occurred to me that if you ever get tired of calling it B.V. you could always go with Eight Degrees of Jennifer Aniston!
—Amanda F., NYC

Dear Joshing Jen:
Hollywood's a small town. Why do you think everyone has herpes? And no, that isn't a jab at Aniston, humorless E! legal department, so why don't you go bitch-slap Joel McHale for a change instead.

Dear Ted:
Who would you consider Hollywood's real sweetheart, not just one everyone thinks is?
—Super Girl

Dear Hard One:
Being sweet hardly gets you on the A-list. You need to be much more Witherspoon-cunning than that. How about Anna Paquin? Yeah, exactly.

Dear Ted:
Ted take a look at these photos of Rob Pattinson. Apparently Kristen Stewart was with him in the clubs according to other sources. Can you find out for us please if they were or weren't together? Not fair the way the paps treat Rob.
—C

Dear Rob Minus Sten:
Yes, they were together earlier in the night. And day.

Dear Ted:
It seems you hate the women on One Tree Hill. Why don't you like them?
—Missy

Dear One Tree Boring:
It's not that I don't like the girls. Just find that most of the people on it pathetically want attention.

Dear Ted:
Is it true that Robert and Kristen will go public about their relationship in a December 2009 issue of Harper's Bazaar magazine? Do you know or know Deep Twi?
—Callet

Dear Have Put Word:
So far haven't heard either way. Working on it. Sounds awfully arranged for this rebel duo to me.

Dear Ted:
Is Rob crazy? Am I the only one who really wants to do Megan Fox, despite being a 100 percent straight girl with a boyfriend?
—cupcake

Dear Girl Crush:
No, I think she's smoking and I'm gay!

Dear Ted:
Ted, I have just discovered A.T. and I am a huge fan. I have given up on buying gossip magazines. Why waste my money, when you always give us the truth? So don't you think that anyone in Hollywood who hasn't seen Twilight yet seriously needs to get caught up? Especially anyone tied to True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, or anything with a vampire theme? They all know they are going to get that inevitable Twilight question. It irritates me when they claim they haven't seen it yet. Are they that far out of the loop or feigning ignorance?
—Elle

Dear One of Those Things:
Face it, vampires aren't a turn-on for everyone. Plus, now when someone says "I haven't seen Twilight," that becomes the headline. Weird world, huh?

Dear Ted:
OK, I think I finally got a Blind Vice! Perka and Schlamm are Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon....am I right?
—Terri, Ontario

Dear No Cigar:
Sorry, babe, oh so wrong! Think far less interested in actual acting.

Dear Ted:
Why doesn't Hef marry Holly Madison?
—Gammy

Dear Stuck in 2007:
Maybe because they both moved on a long while ago.

Dear Ted:
Summit doesn't seem to have any problem giving Peter Facinelli time off from Eclipse to shoot Nurse Jackie, yet they wouldn't even try to accommodate Rachelle Lefevre. Was there more to Summit's decision than just wanting Bryce Dallas Howard for the role?
—Wendy K

Dear Good Question:
You bet there was more going on than just timing issues. Like I've said, I think it was a way to snap the Twi-kids back in line...by scaring them that they're replaceable. But just wait till they try and pull that crap on Robsten!

Dear Ted:
Can you give us want an update on the status of Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle Dream's relationship?
—Inara

Dear Unrequited Love:
Ain't what it was. Never will be, either.

Dear Ted:
Is Jackie Bouffant more or less famous than Robert Pattinson?
—Anita

Dear It's All Relative:
Depends which age group you ask.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for raising awareness of lung cancer. My mother died of this disease and the first question I inevitably get asked is "Did she smoke?" The answer is not very much. In fact, many cancers are preventable, including breast cancer, as your risk is increased by various factors including being overweight. Yet lung cancer is the one with the stigma and lack of funding. Why do we judge people with this illness so harshly? Good luck giving up the smokes again and take care, I have been reading you for years and am genuinely sorry to hear about your breakup.
—Mary, Sydney

Dear Stay Strong:
Much thanks, and always happy to raise awareness for a good cause. Feeling better already! And who needs men when my hairy bitches Margo and Charlie do all the licking I need?

Dear Ted:
Has Josh Duhamel ever been a Blind Vice?
—Jill

Dear Vice-a-licious:
Back before Fergie made him an honest woman.

Dear Ted:
What's your opinion of Khloé Kardashian marrying Lamar Odom after only a month? Personally, I think it's ridiculous and doesn't seem like something Khloé would do at all.
—Annoyed 

Dear Quickie:
After the failure of my own marriage, I think I'm firmly outta the bizness of predicting love. Who knows what the hell makes them happy, give them a damn chance, already.

Dear Ted:
I happen to love Hilary Duff, she seems nothing like the typical Hollywood starlet type, but is she really like this or is it all just an act?
—Cynthia

Dear Doubting Duff:
She may not be your cookie-cutter Hollywood slough, but she's hardly innocent. Just is smart enough to stay out of the tabloid eye—most of the time. Remember, she's from Texas, you can never underestimate those sneaky Southerners.

Dear Ted:
Are you quite sure darling Ryan Reynolds hasn't got a thing for the guys?
—Tarquin

Dear Bi-Guy Ry-Guy:
Judging by the size of Scarlett Johansson's everything, I'd say no.

Dear Ted:
Has Leonardo DiCaprio ever been a Blind Vice? I've seen him out a couple times, always chatting up a model type, and it got me curious if he has some skeletons in the closet.
—Sunshine

Dear Lovely Leo:
He's a horndog, sure, and has a weird foot fetish I hear, but other than that, he's sort of your typical ball-playing guy.

Dear Ted:
I'm curious about your opinion on the Polanski arrest. Do you think he should be finally brought to trial, or do you think the case should finally die, as his victim has repeatedly pleaded for?
—Helen

Dear Welcomed Break:
He raped a child. The case should be resolved. Period.

Dear Ted:
Us Weekly is saying Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford, a local TV reporter. Is there any truth to that story?
—Bachaus

Dear Unlikely Pair:
I would say half-truth. Have talked to some people who know Candice and Romo are "friends." but how good of friends is still up in the air. She certainly is Romo's type—I have certainly have heard weirder sleeping arrangements.