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Blind Vice

No, this isn't the soapy made-up stuff on ABC. This is real-life desperation, babes, Hollywood-style!

There's an aging celeb couple in town who have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years. Sure, they've had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally), but Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul—miraculously so.

Everybody said they wouldn't make it. But so far, they have—at least for appearance's sake.

Maybe that's because Perka's a broad who's willing to do whatever it takes (in her rather sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes) to hold onto her still-doable guy, despite the fact that his very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days. So what does "whatever it takes" require Perka to engage in? Plastic surgery, perhaps? Oh gawd, that was years ago.

No, now it's time for crafty Ms. Penis-Player to move on the next part of her bod that needs lifting. Can you guess what it is? Ass or eyes, you ask?

Wrong! Her hands! OMG, what will these Frankenstein Beverly Hills plastic surgeons think of next! Is a knee lift next? Don't tell me: It probably already exists.

Nevertheless, it's Perka who's now gone through the recent and incredibly weird process of having her hands lifted, as if that's the part of her anatomy that's gonna get Schlamm's schlong in gear. Maybe it will—I don't know what the hell makes people hot for each other, anymore.

But dare I say it's all a waste of time? You see, as of late, Schlamm's own digits are notorious for touching everything but that Penis-Player he's been shackin' up with for eons.

Why do couples go on like this? Just call it a day and go screw who you like, already!

And It Ain't: Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin; Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks; Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford