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30 Rock, Jennifer Aniston

Nicole Rivelli/NBC

Conspiracy Corner, Comic Con 2009 Brick

We loved Jennifer Aniston on Friends. We love her in movies, even ones we aren''t supposed to love. (Rumor Has It…? Not so bad!) But most of all, we love to feel sorry for her. 

Is this because she's pitiable? Or because she is, by her own admission, a "dirty fight[er]?"

See, when Aniston made that recent revelation to Parade our suspicious minds knew exactly what she'd meant, and exactly what she'd done: She's been "dirty fighting" with our hearts, and making us feel bad for her! 

Here's how we suspect she did it:

She lands the dreamiest dreamboat she can find (Brad Pitt will do), marries him, then sends him off to make a movie with the hottest hottie her agents, under her direction, can find (Angelina Jolie will do) and waits for the inevitable nuclear explosion to occur. The dreamboat and the hottie take off. The good wife stays home. And waits for us to feel all sorry for her. Which—damn you, Aniston!—we do! 

Aniston rebounds from Pitt with Vince Vaughn. Because the Wedding Crasher is primo boyfriend material? Because he's not! Because it'll never work! Because we’ll end up feeling all sorry for her—again! Which we do! And just around the release of The Break-Up, too! (By the way, we don’t really know if Vaughn isn't primo boyfriend material. For all we know, he's a standup fellow who was just helping out a friend. Not to mention his own career. After all, Aniston didn't star in The Break-Up by herself.)

 Aniston rebounds from Vaughn with John Mayer. Because twentysomething musicians are primo boyfriend material? Because they're not! Because it'll never work! Because we'll end up feeling sorry for her—some more! (By the way, we don't really know if Mayer isn't primo boyfriend material. Although we bet his incessant Twittering can be a bit much.)

Amid the off-again, on-again relationship with Mayer, Aniston makes Marley & Me. Because dogs are cute? Because dogs are loyal? Because nothing says "I'm alone and pathetic" better than a canine companion? Exactly! She did it to us again! (All right, it's true, nothing says "I'm alone and pathetic" better than a cat companion, but dogs are totally close seconds.)

 Post-Mayer, Aniston goes off on Elle for labeling her a "lonely girl." Does she do this because the magazine was wrong? Ha, we say! She does this, we say, to throw us off the trail, and make herself seem less pitiful, while at the same time making herself seem persecuted by the press, and hence, more pitiful—for the fifth year running! And just in time for the release of Love Happens, too!

Enough! Now that we know we've been had, we vow to no longer love Jennifer Aniston, and, in turn, her movies, just because we feel like somebody has to since her love life is so sad.  

Then again…

The Gerard Butler thing, whatever that is, doesn't make Aniston seem pathetic or pitiable at all. We admit we're puzzled by this, and wonder if perhaps we've been too hard on Aniston, read too much into one, little "dirty fighting" quote, and just been plain off-base.  


We're starting to feel sorry for her again…