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Jon Gosselin, Hailey Glassman, Tila Tequila, Ellen DeGeneres, Maksim Chermovskiy, Karina Smirnoff

INFphoto.com; Jordan Strauss/Getty Images; John Shearer/Getty Images; BrianTo/Getty Images

What a busy seven days! American Idol made one of its biggest headlines yet, Tila Tequila reared her round, sizable head and we sadly had to spend so much more time covering couples who are on the outs than the ones who want to live happily ever after. Thanks to Katherine Heigl and Nicole Richie (words you don't read everyday) for taking one for the family-values team.

Here's your week in entertainment in 10 easy pieces:

1. American Idol dug into its sack of ideas and pulled out…Ellen DeGeneres. The queen of scene-stealing self-deprecation who taught the last batch of SYTYCD finalists everything they know has been tapped to fill that fourth judge's chair, vacated last month by Paula Abdul. We're expecting some awesomeness to ensue...for the first few nights, at least, before her shtick gets old. But, Paula wishes her luck, Kara is thrilled, Randy thinks it's "mad cool" and Ryan and Ellen are besties. Wait, who are we missing...

2. Bisexual dynamo Tila Tequila accused San Diego Chargers star Shawne Merriman of choking her and forcibly restraining her at his home. The ginormous linebacker says he was just trying to keep his teeny-weeny girlfriend from driving drunk. The S.D. District Attorney's Office is already done with the case, but Tila's tweets will go on and on... 

3. Dancing With the Stars is turning into The Bachelor—none of the show's hottest couples have managed to stay together! The latest to go their separate ways are Karina Smirnoff and Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who have called off their engagement but still plan to perform together at the Emmys on Sept. 20. Separate dressing rooms, please. (Meanwhile, DWTS nation turns its lonely eyes to you, Edyta and Alec…)

Joel Madden, Nicole Richie

Alexander Tamargo/Getty Images

4. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden welcomed their second child, a son, and named him Sparrow. Here's hoping he attends the same elementary school as Apple Martin, Pilot Inspektor Lee and Bluebell Madonna Halliwell. (But everyone is healthy and happy, so that's the good news.

5. Jon Gosselin revealed in a Good Morning America interview that he let an abusive Kate boss him around for 10 years. Because we couldn't tell from watching their show who ruled the roost… Anyway, Jon had to answer all sorts of tough questions about cheating (he didn't), his kids (he just loves 'em) and Kate (he despises her for "not speaking from the heart"). He also had to fend off midlife crisis accusations concerning his relationship with Hailey—who is still very much his smoochy girlfriend, thank you very much.

6. If you want to know whether it's worth tuning into such tasty-sounding fare as FlashForward, The Vampire Diaries, Community and Eastwick, look no further. Watch With Kristin is serving up one review after another in the 2009 Fall TV Preview.

7. Orson Welles would be so proud. A conservative radio host "reported" on a recent 9/11 summit that took place recently between President Barack Obama and, er, Charlie Sheen, in which the Two and Half Men star advised the Commander in Chief to reopen the investigation into the terrorist attacks. Turns out the "transcript" was just wishful thinking put on paper by Sheen, and Prison Planet's Alex Jones went along with the gag, posting it online as a factual piece in anticipation of an interview with the actor. Hahaha, people actually believed Obama gave a Fleiss about what Sheen thinks! Oh, that's rich!   

8. The Awful Truth posted many more updates on what Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have and have not been doing—and what the AT hopes they're doing—for the past week.

Russell Brand, Britney Spears

Courtesy MTV

9. Be sure to check out our coverage this weekend of the MTV Video Music Awards, live from New York City, featuring Twilignorant host Russell Brand. The ceremony is scheduled to open with an appearance by Janet Jackson and a rockin' Michael Jackson tribute.

10. And the rest: Overseas Michael Jackson tribute postponed until 2010...John Travolta's gone public...six Vampire Diaries kids got busted...here's George Clooney's new girl and the guy who wants to be her…Kim and Khloé make a Lamar sandwichNicky Hilton Rothschild's refusing to break bread with Doug Reinhardt...Matt Damon is alive…the Seinfelds are triumphant...Katherine Heigl is adoptingJennifer Aniston "believes in love," but not so much in ElleMaura Tierney is in treatment but out of a jobGirls Next Door of past and present threw Kendra a baby showerHugh Hefner's gonna be single, baby!...Nick Hogan's seriously injured friend is out of the hospitalTom DeLay isn't as sexy as Gilles MariniChristina Milian tied the knotWhitney's new album poppedRose McGowan's stunts went awryLindsay Lohan's latest gig: Emanuel Ungaro collaborator…Snoop's latest gig: creative badassEmma Watson reported for the Ivy League…Brad Paisley topped the CMA nodsMarley Shelton had a babyTom Brady admits Gisele is going to have a baby...Audrina has a rabid fan...Beatles: Rock Band debuted.

We would've written more, but we've been busy playing Beatles: Rock Band.

You, on the other hand, should get your kicks by flipping through our Big Picture gallery and critiquing the ladies glam/sloppy enough to be picked up by our Fashion Police.