New Moon, Dakota Fanning

Kimberly French/ Summit Entertainment

Dear Ted:
Ok, I am totally not into all the Twilight reporting. However, there is one thing I wouldn't mind knowing. Is there any dish about Dakota Fanning on or off the set? Is she as professional and robotic as she seems?

Dear Fanning Fan:
DF's too young—and too professional—to be caught up in this horny cast's drama. Then again, she's only getting older, and there are still two more movies to go...Nikki Reed will expedite things for her, I'm sure.

Dear Ted:
Does your dislike for Jennifer Garner have anything to do with that delish dish Michael Vartan? I heart him so, wish he would find someone special besides his dog Millie, no?

Dear Garner On Guard:
We have plenty of reasons to dislike Jen, the way she treated Mikey V's only one of them. And what's so wrong with a pup's love? They sure as hell don't use you for press!

Dear Ted:
We all know about your Robert Pattinson love. But back in the day, say, 8 or 9 months ago, you were pretty much dissing him—he doesn't shower and smells bad, don't see the attraction so get that boy to a gym, he needs more than one facial expression, all he likes to do is get his drink on. Just wondering, what exactly happened to give you all this Rob love?

Dear Rob Rewind:
Rob might seem terribly mainstream now, but for awhile, he was an acquired taste, and I chose him actually pretty early on, once I realized his rebel ways were ultimately most appealing. I actually love that he's not a pretty-boy quickie, and I came to this conclusion long before it became clear how out of control popular he was. I never insulted him—hey, I love the way a real man smells, don't you?

Dear Ted:
Hope you enjoyed your vacation, Ted. So glad to have you back and bitchy as ever! My question is about Michael C. Hall, the fabulous Dexter. He seems very clean but has he ever been a Blind Vice? Love ya, Ted!

Dear Dex the Halls:
Yes. Should we have put him in our Blind Vice Gallery?

Dear Ted:
I am tired of having to sift through the messages and posts from lovesick hetero 'tween girls. I am a member of your [previously] core demo of middle-aged out gay males. You are pandering to a group demographic notorious for screeching "Eeeww...!" in unison in any theater showing hot guy-on-guy snogging (remember Michael Caine and Christopher Reeves in Deathtrap? You're old enough that I know you know what I mean). I know ratings and web page hits are king, but you're turning your back on the rest of your loyal fans by letting the Twi kiddies overrun your blog.

Dear Anti-Robsten:
Look, love, I hear ya, and I adore you for speaking your mind. But, there's plenty non-Twi goss to go around in AT—we don't make ya read the Robsten stories if you're not into that whole secret vampire love thang. Besides, as a gay man, you should know about going boyishly ga-ga once in awhile—and, I'll chose Robert over Michael or Christopher any day!

Dear Ted:
I have a theory about Kristen Stewart's new wig. I think Summit hired the same crappy hair and makeup team who works on Supernatural. They are all in Vancouver, right? It's been two long years that these incompetent hairdressers are ruining Jared Padalecki's beautiful hair. Seriously! It's like they pour bacon grease on his head in every episode. At this point I wish they let Jared do his own hair. He looks just fine and yummy during hiatus when he's far away from those scissors nazis.

Dear Do Dumps:
Oh, he could be bald on the show and you'd still love him to death. And I'm totally certain K.Stew's coif in New Moon and beyond will look flawless on camera, have a little faith, wouldja?

Dear Ted:
Is Judas Jack-Off Gale Harold?

Dear Gale Gazing:
No, babe, sorry to disappoint. Think even yummier.

Dear Ted:
I want to say thanks for your great column, I always read your texts. I'm from Germany and I think you are incredible, sometimes better than German columnists. On 26. November 2009 comes New Moon here in theaters. Can you tell me whether the Twi crew also does a promo travel here? If so, when? Thank you for listening to me, kiss!

Dear Guten Tag:
Too soon to tell which worldwide hotspots they'll hit during their press tour, but if you're definitely keen on catching a glimpse of Robsten in real life, howabout a lil H'wood vacation this November? The AT will be at that premiere if it's the last thing we do.

Dear Ted:
Do you think that Nikki Reed has moved on from Rob, or is that totally fake boyfriend just a trap so Rob'll want to chase her and dump Kristen? What do you think?

Dear Reed Wacker:
I think that's a pretty poor plan if that's what Nikki's doing—Rob doesn't do the jealousy thing, especially if it's not Kris.

Dear Ted:
You need to state your opinion clearly on Nikki Reed. Half of the world thinks you hate her, the other half thinks you love her. Personally sometimes I don't which it is with you. I think Nikki is the most talented of the cast. She has a great career ahead of her. Why do the fans hate her so much? Do you think Kris will pull off the role Joan Jett? I like Kris, but she seems very blah and dead at times. Will she be able to convey the energy and life that is Joan Jett?

Dear Twi Girl Musings:
Our feelings are complicated towards Nik. But many don't like her manipulative, fame-whorey ways, or the fact she feels like a threat towards their precious Robsten. And we're pretty hopeful that KS can get down 'n' dirty as the legendary rocker gal—lord knows she needs an outlet after playing sad and moody Bella for months at a time.

Dear Ted:
If you go over a 1000 characters will it cut off the message/

Dear Character-Driven:
On Twitter or just in my head?

Dear Ted:
Good advice for Jessica Simpson, to stay alone and work on herself. But is she strong enough and smart enough? To be able to stay alone you need to be strong, you don't need to get drunk to get by...she is a beautiful girl but she is a tiny bit too short to qualify for stunning. Even with big breasts.

Dear Oh, Snap:
Jeez, no wonder Jess acts like she has a friggin' inferiority complex with comments like that. What would you look like in a pair of mom jeans?

Dear Ted:
I know he's supposed to be dating Evan Rachel Wood, but I get the gay vibe from Skarsgård. He spends more time with his buddy Bjorn Larsson than he does with any woman. What do you think?

Dear Team Eric Member:
Who knows, but, all the better for the rest of us, right? Means we all get a shot at him, once he's done doing whatever it is he's doing with Ev.

Dear Ted:
Don't know if I reading too much into the pics, but I have been seeing a lot of Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel. They seem to hang out a lot. Is there anything there? I think they would be a hot couple, minus the fact that she has a husband and a kid!

Dear Married, with Costars:
That's a big fact to not consider. Yeah, sure, theoretically they'd be super-doable together and go out on the town with Robsten and Jackles up in VC. But don't give your hopes up on Bryce ditching her fam for a 24-year-old Aussie stud on the rise.

Dear Ted:
I always thought of Rachel Bilson as a really sweet person, but it just hit me that with that fiancé Hayden Christensen of hers, she can't be as innocent, right?

Dear Ingénue:
It just hit you? Where ya been hiding? Plus, being sweet and being innocent are two totally different thing, babe.

Dear Ted:
Is Maxwell Meat-Mingle Chris O'Donnell?

Dear Chris O'Donnell:
You know you're not our Blind Vice! You just wanted someone to talk about you in the media again, didn't you?

Dear Ted:
I was wondering, do you think Taylor Lautner is jealous because all the attention Rob is getting by Summit? And does Summit really think Taylor can have the same impact in the fans like Rob?

Dear Pimp Daddy:
You kidding me? Tay's being pimped out more than all those damn Melrose Place billboards we see on Melrose Ave. while driving to work. Summit 's definitely pushing him onto Rob's pedestal, just in case, ya know, Rob refuses to stay a Summit puppet for much longer.

Dear Ted:
Topher Hairy-Tuchus is Adrian Grenier, right? I've seen the pics of his hairy tush in making the blog rounds lately. Plus, he's always given me a gay vibe!

Dear Wrong Tush:
Ugh, staring at the hair on top of AG's head gives me a migraine, can't imagine staring at the patch on his ass. Think a bigger name on the big-screen than Ad, who only plays a big movie star on TV.

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