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Robert Pattinson

Dave Hogan/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I have to ask you. I can't find it online. When does People release its annual issue of Sexiest Man Alive? I am wondering when I will be seeing Rob Pattinson on the cover of my favorite celeb magazine! Do you agree with me that he has the 2009 cover no questions asked…it's inevitable and much deserved, right?

Dear Unpredictable People:
I agree, but babe, it's not likely. Remember how shocked we were when Chace Crawford took the Hottest Bachelor title? As much as Rob deserves it, People has been known to get these things wrong.

Dear Ted:
Stop. Just please stop with all the Twilight stuff. Your column is unreadable. I read your headlines every afternoon, and it's the same thing every day. I know you are probably more popular than ever because of the Twi-twats who sit at home waiting for your next article about their beloved Robsten, but you are losing a lot of long-time readers, too.

Dear Closed-Off:
Can't you learn to love, too? Open your heart! And I hardly think it's unreadable. You proved otherwise.

Dear Ted:
Why haven't we seen at least a statement from Nicole Richie regarding DJ AM's death?

Dear Not Everyone Mourns Through Publicists:
Because she has taste?

Dear Ted:
Why is Jake Gyllenhaal looking so bad and angry lately? He looks as if he is sad about something or feeling jealous.

Dear Duh:
Yeah, it's this thing called a career.

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Sean Penn? He seems sleazy enough. Also has Sienna "Devout Member of the Sisterhood of Women" Miller ever been a BV?

Dear No Skank-dar:
Penn a fagola? Is that why he dives into every skirt, whether he's married or not, he can get his inebriated fingers on? Wow. Most impressive front I've ever seen. And why should Sienna be a Vice star? She lives her greasiness all out in the open!

Dear Ted:
We mentioned all the cast in Twilight and you say he or she is not Terry Tush-Trade. I guess TTT does not exist? If TTT does exist, can you give more hints?

Dear Wants It In Code:
Terry is happier now than in recent days past. Terry has terrific taste in rebel-wear. Terry needs to stop worrying about the bod and start worrying about the so.

Dear Ted:
Do you have any idea about when/if the Duchovny-Leoni fake reconciliation is going to end? I'm tired of reading the same stuff in every fu**ing media about them being happily back together and the thing about the renewing vows. This is just pathetic! Why don't they announce the divorce and end this pathetic show for once? We're not buying it anymore, and I think that won't help David's career like it used to because sh*t just happened and they can't pretend everything is perfect again, as if no sex addiction and show with Billy Bob took place. And all the Gillovny lovey-dovey action during the premieres. David didn't look that sad and broken while petting Gillian. But I guess all that stuff was forgotten, wasn't it?
—No More Pathetic Show

Dear I'm Bored Already:
Who did you ask about, again?

Dear Ted:
I absolutely love AT! Please answer me this: has Jake Gyllenhaal ever been the subject of a Blind Vice?

Dear Haal of Famer:

Dear Ted:
What did Taylor Lautner mean when he was asked about Robsten and replied "It's crazy, but the fans help. They're a big part of the motivation."?
—Uber Confused

Dear Isn't It Obvious:
Muscles and brains don't always mesh.

Dear Ted:
Now that MTV has announced we have the confirmed Twilight threesome coming to give us a second New Moon trailer at the VMA's, what does this mean for Robsten? I'm not expecting a confirmation or anything but do you think we will see more of Taystew for the promotional sake of the movie or do you think Kris and Rob will be pretty comfortable and relaxed together, showing us the Robsten side of things? Anything cooking?

Dear Educated Guess:
My hypothesis? The appearance will be too fleeting for us to get anything. But given that Summit's been blabbing about how nice they are to the cast, maybe they'll loosen the leash for a while. Even though Rob and Kris are tugging on it pretty hard.

Dear Ted:
Is AnnaLynne McCord Twyla Babe-Sucker? She's not only a Twi-Hard, but a Twilighter herself by association! (And what a nice, hunky association he is…)

Dear Wrong:
Nope. Think less attention-whore-y. Is that a word? Let's make it one! 

Dear Ted:
I don't know what it is, but I am digging me some Paul Wesley. I just got done reading the available books for the Vampire Diaries (just to see if it sucks and if it is a knock off of Twilight. It is so not, think the happy medium between Twilight and True Blood. More kissing & blood, less sex. Boo. Anyway, I digress.) Any deets on this fine specimen of man?

Dear Bloody Good:
Ah, I remember him from American Dreams. Nothing too scandee-lish yet, but maybe Vamp Diaries will be the stepping-stone? (Although, my magic 8 ball says not likely; this show is gonna bomb, big time).

Dear Ted:
Are you saying Summit give that sh*teous wig to Kristen Stewart as a punishment? Really? They can punish her with money, promotion, whatever, but decided to punish her doing a ridiculous production job with her character? She is already a totally so-so actress. She doesn't need more (bad) help.

Dear Just A Joke, Dear:
Not a fact.

Dear Ted:
Why don't you make appearances on E! News anymore? Any chance you'll have camera time in the near future?

Dear Boob-Tube Fan:
Who needs that trashy show? Truth, Lies & Ted is much better and my breasts are bigger than Giuliana's, anyway.

Dear Ted:
Aside from being beautiful actresses on One Tree Hill, what do Sophia Bush and Danneel Harris have in common?

Dear Um…:
I'm not thrilled by either one. Satisfy you?

Dear Ted:
Ted, what on earth ever happened to Rene Russo? Seems like she evaporated into thin air. Loved her!

Dear Good Theory:
I won't lie, babe, that's a damn good guess. Well, actually, she was in Yours, Mine and Ours in 2005 and – you know what? Let's go with your guess.

Dear Ted:
Would you say that Judas Jack-Off and his boyfriend Dashed Dingle-Dream are at the same level of fame?

Dear It's All Relative:

Dear Ted:
Ok sweetie Ted, how's about throwing me a bone here? Ever since seeing the pics of Ashley Greene and Chace Crawford sucking face, I can't shake the idea that maybe…just maybe…AG is the Babe-Sucker also known as Twyla. Confirm? It'll just be between you and me!

Dear Confirmed or Denied:
Come on, crumbcake, you know I can't just give that away. Something in return, maybe?

Dear Ted:
Welcome back Ted! Missed ya. Hope your vaca was awesome. Gotta give props to Team Awful though, they were great in your stead! Constantly feeding us with that forbidden fruit we so desire!

Dear I Hire Well:
Trust me, did you really think I'd leave you with some blah group of kids? Team Awful is anything but, natch.

Dear Ted:
I can't remember if you have said Bradley Cooper has been a Blind Vice…is he? Or is he about to make himself one?

Dear Darling:
Oh, he so already has.

Dear Ted:
I've read somewhere, make it everywhere actually, that Rob's schedule is fully packed for the next 2 years. Bel Ami in Paris for 3 months starting in January, Unbound Captives (not sure where it'll be filming), and back to Breaking Dawn (back in Vancouver again?), etc, etc. I'm one of Robsten's lovers out there and their separation in summer was a little rough to take in even for us fans. Do you think they'll be okay and survive another winter & presumably spring separation? I haven't read anything about Kristen's next movie schedule. Please shed me some light.
—Pregnant Diva

Dear Separate Loves:
I think the outlook looks good. This is their career, babe—it's not so much an obstacle as it is just an expected occupational hazard.

Dear Ted:
I noticed you've been talking a lot lately about the Supernatural boys. I figured you could mention Jared Padalecki's support for "A Dog's Life Rescue," a non-profit rescue organization based in Los Angeles trying to save the lives of abandoned dogs and other animals, by providing shelter and medical attention to homeless animals.

Dear Mention'd:
Love it! Makes Jared all the more scrumptious, seriously!

Dear Ted:
Would you ever consider having your own talk show? You're the kind of guy we need to spice up our viewing pleasures! It would be interesting to say the least.

Dear Moi? On Daytime?:
Bitch, you're too kind. Only if we can get that hag Rachael Ray off the air.

Dear Ted:
Have you seen the pics of Ben Affleck and Blake Lively from The Town set? Interesting body language, don't ya think?

Dear Ewwww:
I shudder at that thought. Liveleck is not a thought I'm comfortable with, hun.

Dear Ted:
I'm over the twinkness of Twilight but not the deliciousness of True Blood. Ryan Kwanten gets a lot of people's blood boiling, any dish on what kind of girl (or guy) he's interested in?
Staking a Stackhouse

Dear Finally, A Kwanten Fan!:
and Marc would be so thrilled! Actually, Kwanten decided to keep his love life quiet because he was afraid of the (wrongful) speculation that he might bat for the other team. But he's definitely into the ladies, trust.

Dear Ted:
Has Tori Spelling and/or her hubby ever been Blind Vices? I've heard rumors that the marriage isn't as rock solid as it may appear. Any truth?

Dear Tori Terror:
Never. Not interested. Their lives are so transparent as it is, wouldn't really work.