Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press; Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images; John Shearer/Getty Images; Lester Cohen/Getty Images; Mike Marsland/Getty Images Ah, the crisp, biting wind of early September can only mean one thing: It's time to get off your summer-lovin' ass and head on back to school! Our darling Marc Snetiker has left us for his own academically hallowed hall in the Midwest (pray for him), and let's face it—for some of you crazy, typo-prone Twi-hard commenters, it's about time you followed suit and got some schoolin', too. No offense, babes.
But what better way to celebrate the re-education of everything you forgot this summer than to round up the results of our Back to School Madness series?
It's time to reveal the results, and trust us, kids, you don't want to miss them! After all, you're the ones who elected these dazzling star students to their oh-so-prestigious positions. Regret any of your votes yet?
Trust. You might. And the winners are…
Most Changed: Christian Bale
Runner-Up: Anne Hathaway
We're so glad you guys got this one right. Bale had us totally worried that we were the only ones who thought he looked more malnourished than one of Paris Hilton's dogs. Happy to see that we're not alone in noticing the once-hunky dude's downward spiral into Geriatricville.
Most Unchanged: Paris Hilton
Runner-Up: Britney Spears
Of course, crazy Pare-Poo is running around wild in Hollywood again, and we care equally as much as we did a year ago—and in case you're a little slow on the uptake, that means we don't give a rat's ass just as much. Seriously, P, when are you gonna change and get all classy like your pal Nicole Richie?
Most Likely to Be Sent to the Principal's Office: Miley Cyrus
Runner-Up: Lindsay Lohan
The trashy, ever-troublemaking girls totally owned this round. Miley's hooligan ways were scrutinized exponentially after her little stripper-pole stunt, while LiLo's…well, anything Lindsay has done in the past year alone is likely to warrant a few weeks' suspension from school. But it was Miley who took the cake—and the detention.
Biggest Flirt: Megan Fox
Runner-Up: Bradley Cooper
Ah, Shark Week is not forgotten for you Awful Truthies! Megan's man-eating habits almost guaranteed her a spot in the top two, and frankly, we're not surprised you think she's the sluttiest flirtiest chick on campus! Meanwhile, hot jock Bradley is moving on up to the A-list for his mega-womanizing ways, no? Talk about shock of the summer!
Most Unlikely to Succeed: Octomom (Nadya Suleman)
Runner-Up: Chris Brown
The best of the year's baddies are topped by that wicked maternal witch Nadya Suleman, whose octo-adventures make Kate Gosselin look like the damn Mother of the Year. Her reality show is gonna be a huge bomb, we expect—almost as atrocious as the numbers for Chris Brown's next music endeavor. And frankly, darlings, we don't feel a damn thing for either of them!
Most Athletic: Gwen Stefani
Runner-Up: Ryan Reynolds
It's the battle of the abs! Gwen beat out paparazzi faves Audrina Patridge and AnnaLynne McCord to even make it on the list of nominees, but it was her stunning six-pack (and after baby, too!) that makes her all the damn sexier. And of course, what conversation about abdominal muscles would be complete without the sweaty, sexy, godlike stud that is Ryan Reynolds? A true deserving second, if there ever was one.
Class Clown: Tina Fey
Runner-Up: Neil Patrick Harris
How could anyone upstage the Feyster this year, what with her spot-on Sarah Palin impersonation and her uproarious tenure on 30 Rock? Even the NPH, who breaks our hearts each week on How I Met Your Mother, couldn't tackle the soon-to-rule-the-world funnywoman. Although we know that if we put great, chameleonesque actors like Keanu Reeves or Megan Fox in this poll, they surely would have won, right?
Homecoming King and Queen: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Runner-Up: Robsten
We knew this one would rile you up! While an overwhelming majority of you awarded the Homecoming crown to the world's most gorgeous couple—Brangelina, natch—a huge percentage voted for the write-in candidate slot (although, of the write-in votes, only one in every 10 people actually told us their choice in the comments). Still, that's saying something. The palpable allure of Robsten prevailed over couples like Tom & Gisele and Channing & Jenna...but, shockingly, they didn't eclipse (no pun intended) the star power of Brad and Angie. At least not this year, kids.
Best Hair: Robert Pattinson
Runner-Up: Zac Efron
It shouldn't even be worth it to mention Zefron, who got less than a third as many votes as darling Rob. Was this a surprise? Not at all, crumbcakes. We knew from the get-go that Rob would out-coif all the other candidates...even, unsurprisingly, that mullet-mopped Kristen Stewart. Jeez, couldn't he have done the gentlemanly thing and let her win this one?
Most Popular: Toothy Tile
Runner-Up: Terry Tush-Trade
You suckers are just dying to find out the real identity of Mr. Toothy T, aren't you? Even those of you whose calling it is to out that hidden homo only boost the guy's popularity! But the real star here is young little Terry, who has taken your hearts and totally f--ked with your minds in the past few months since we first told you about T's tush-trading ways. Maybe Toothy just isn't mysterious enough for you anymore...sure am starting to feel that way myself, I'll tell ya.