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So, Joe Francis either hit a girl in the face, or he's been outrageously slandered by Brody Jenner.

Guess which route Joe Francis is taking?

"I'm the victim," the oft put-upon Francis told E! News Friday when we caught up with him at his Santa Monica office. "Brody hit me in the face."

Of course, by now you've heard that some sort of ruckus involving Jenner, Francis and a taser took place last night outside the Hollywood nightclub Guys and Dolls.

Jenner twittered that Francis kicked and punched his Playboy Playmate girlfriend Jayde Nicole—which, according to eyewitnesses, occurred after Nicole threw a drink in Francis' face because he was paying too much unwanted attention to his ex (and her BFF), model Abbey Wilson.

He "may have accidentally grabbed [Nicole's] hair" as he was turning around after having a drink poured on him, Francis told us. But, he added, surveillance footage from the club will totally back up his side of the story, which is that the possible hair-pull "may have been the only contact he had with anybody."

"Someone shoved me from behind, then hurled a drink at me, glass and all," Francis said in a statement released shortly after E! spoke with him. 

"I turned to see who it was, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, with Brody Jenner ripping at my shirt. The security guards told me they saw the whole thing, and apologized to me for the trouble. They even offered me a new Guys and Dolls T-shirt."

Security was helping Francis to his car when, according to the Girls Gone Wild guy, Jenner "cold-cocked" him. And at some point during the ensuing melee, someone tasered Jenner.

Francis says he's considering taking legal action against Jenner for the reality-TV prince's "false, outrageous, and slanderous" accusation (via Twitter) that Francis hit someone, let alone a girl.

"I've never hit a girl in my life," continued the avowed woman-cherisher and professional breast-appreciator, "and the accusation disgusts me." (So you can imagine how disgusting this accusation must be.)

And, just in case you were wondering, "Well, if Joe Francis is the victim, then what is Brody Jenner?"

According to Francis, Jenner is the guy with, among other problems, the "smallest penis in Hollywood."

We're expecting a retaliatory attack on Francis' manhood shortly...