NBC Photo: Nicole Rivelli
NBC Photo: Nicole Rivelli
Stereotypes are bad, so let's stick to the facts. American conservatives don't like: tofu, trees and actors not named Chuck Norris. They especially don't like: actors not named Chuck Norris who talk public policy like they're members of the public or something.
Knowing this, then, if you were an American conservative and you were on the wrong side of the electoral college, how would you energize your base? Get Sarah Palin to villify tofu-eating trees? Good idea. Program Alec Baldwin to run the the U.S. Senate? Better idea!
As always, we can't prove anything, but we have it on very good suspicion that Baldwin's Emmy-winning career has been nothing but a front for a decades-in-the-making GOP plot to rule the world!
Consider the timeline we just made up:
• 1984: Baldwin scores an early career success on Knots Landing. His role as a fundamentalist preacher brings him to the attention of a conservative think tank, which reaches two conclusions: The fella's a hottie; the fella could make fundamentalism hot to a whole new generation!
• November 1984: Ronald Reagan is reelected in a landslide. With Republicans firmly in power, the party overlords decide Baldwin would be overkill, and opt to deploy the star's talents only when red states start turning blue. But how to get the left-leaning actor to play along?
• Mind control! Sometime around 1988, Baldwin shoots Talk Radio. The Right Ones infiltrate the set via sympathetic director Oliver Stone (the man does love a good conspiracy!), and implant your basic, run-of-the-mill mind-control device in Baldwin while he naps in a trailer.
• 1990: Liberal Baldwin stars in right-wing legend Tom Clancy's The Hunt for Red October. The think tank rejoices: The thingamajig works! The man will do anything he is told! Anything!
• Mercury Rising! The Confession! A bunch of other late 1990s-early 2000s movies you've never heard of! Hollywood wonders: Why does Baldwin keep making so many forgettable films? The think tank knows: The puppet is under the puppetmaster's control!
• 2000: George W. Bush is in a tight race with Al Gore for the White House. Conservatives desperately need to get out the vote. Deploy Manchurian Candidate 2.0!
• 2000: Baldwin reportedly lets it slip he will leave the country if Bush is elected. Red-meat voters in red states go on high alert. No Hollywood actor, who urged the stoning of Bill Clinton's impeachment panel, no less, is gonna tell them how to vote!
• Bush wins! A higher profile is demanded for Agent Baldwin! Keep them folks riled!
• Mid-2000s: Baldwin gets lauded by PETA (boo!); Baldwin calls Dick Cheney a "terrorist" (double boo!); Baldwin mulls running for New York governor (please!); Baldwin calls Sean Hannity a "no-talent, former construction worker hack" (war!) The more Baldwin talks, the more money conservative groups raise! He is the clean-shaven Sean Penn with a weekly TV show, a blog and an ear bug! The right wing is over the moon!
• 2008: John McCain blows Palin's shot at the White House. The right wing is down. But far from out.
• 2009: Agent Baldwin's "hearing aid" orders him to pull out the stops. Get into politics in Ohio! No, New Jersey! No, take on Joe Lieberman for the Senate seat in Connecticut! Pick fights here! Pick fights there! Keep that base angry, angry, angry! (And keep them donating, donating, donating!)
We admit it does sound a tad ridiculous to suggest that conservative operatives would be so devious as to go all Borg on Alec Baldwin.
Clearly, that's what they did to Stephen Baldwin.
That's not all we've figured out. Next, click here to check out our theories on the Jon and Kate split.