• Share
  • Tweet
  • Share
Channing Tatum

Tino Garcia/startraksphoto.com

Ted Casablanca is traveling this week and mail is being tackled by Team Awful—so try us!

Dear Awful Truth:
Help me understand this. Channing Tatum, married? To a woman? Seriously?
—Tony Capuano, Toronto, Canada 

Dear Believe It:
Ah, I bet you were one of skeptics who believed the fairy cake topper was actually Chan's, weren't you?

Dear Awful Truth:
We keep hearing about all the Hollywood celebrities hot for Rob Pattinson. We know that already and it's understandable but how come we don't hear about the ones that are hot for Kristen Stewart? Surely there are many in H'wood who find her quite irresistible! She's smart, hot, very talented, and drop-dead gorgeous. I'm sure there's a long line of equally hunky Hollywood men out there just waiting for Rob to make that mistake of letting her go. Are these guys just too afraid to come forward and admit it or are they too scared of Rob?

Dear Pattinscared:
Are you suggesting that once Robsten is over, K.Stew will become a serial Hollywood hunk-seeker cut from the same vein as, say, Jennifer Aniston? Somehow that doesn't really seem all that likely. And guys afraid of Rob? Please. Dakota Fanning could take him.

Dear Awful Truth:
Who would you say are the hottest (as in bods) TV actors/actresses under 35?
—Hot Tamale

Dear Too Many To Name:
Without saying too many? AnnaLynne McCord, Jared Padalecki, Brittany Snow, Robert Buckley, Alexander Skarsgard, Ryan Kwanten, Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford, Kaley Cuoco, Milo Ventimiglia, Adam Gregory, Cory Monteith… the hot bodies go on and on, man.

Dear Awful Truth:
I just read you description of A-List vs. B-List, etc. And I just have to ask you. What does that make "The Hoff?"

Dear Hasselhoff Has-Been:
Hasselhoff is pure, unadulterated, glorious, full-blown Z status, and there ain't no arguing with it.

Dear Awful Truth:
Here is my question: I know the Jonas Brothers have a lot to hide, and I had a friend tell me a little bit ago that 1) they are not brothers at all, it's just a front and 2) that Joe Jonas is actually Janice Dickinson & Sylvester Stallone's love child. Thoughts?

Dear Plastic Pairing:
Of all the crazy-ass theories we hear every day, those are some of the best. The first, of course, is total horses--t. But what's great is that your Jonas Fun Fact No. 2 is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

Dear Awful Truth:
So I'm wondering, do Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream have something in common with Robsten besides the fact that both couples are gorgeous? I'm thinking that like Robsten and Summit, JJO/DDD have their own front office devils putting on pressure for them to keep up appearances. And if that's so, how are the guys handling it? Are they buckling under or are we going to see them rise up and take a stand a la Kristen and Rob?

Dear Blind No Longer:
The front is definitely still up (and trust, there are more parties involved than just the two of them), so the Robsten comparison is spot-on. But there's no coming-out party scheduled anytime soon, especially if the speculation about them keeps growing.

Dear Awful Truth:
I read that someone suggested Natalie Portman play Tania in Breaking Dawn, and I totally disagree! When I read the book I totally pictured AnnaLynne McCord as Tania. She had that sultry sex appeal, the light strawberry hair and I think AnnaLynne has that pale, sharp vampire look. I never thought she was conventionally pretty but would be perfect to play that sort of role. And it wouldn't be the first time they took from the teen show pool.

Dear Are You Serious?:
You don't think AnnaLynne is "conventionally pretty?" Is that, like, conventionally pretty a la June Cleaver or something? Sorry Jules, baby, but your standards are way ridiculous.

Dear Awful Truth:
Did you notice at the Teen Choice Awards, Britney Spears did not even look at poor no-talent Miley Cyrus? After Miley's speech to her idol, Ms. Spears just took her surf board and left the girl in her dust.

Dear Brit-Slapped:
Can you blame her? Brit is older and a seasoned vet now, and doesn't need to be Twitter pals with every damn celebrity in the industry like Miley does. Stripper-pole Cyrus has nothing to offer Britney, Babs.

Dear Awful Truth:
You've been mentioning the Supernatural boys a lot lately. It's making me nervous! Please tell me Jensen Ackles has never been a Blind Vice.

Dear Winking Winchester:
Why do you ask? Is there, um, a specific Blind Vice you might be referring to, pal?

Dear Awful Truth:
I'm a bit concerned after browsing through some Blind Vices. Are any men in Hollywood straight? Please tell me there are some heterosexual hunks for me to salivate over!

Dear If They're Not Already Married…:
The good news is that yes, of course there are. The bad news is that no, sorry, I'm kidding, they're actually all gay.

Dear Awful Truth:
So I've gotta say, you guys have taken away most all my favorite female actresses...Reese Witherspoon, Jen Garner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jen Aniston, etc. Now I LOVE Sandra Bullock (so let's not take this one away) but who now is the most worthy of attention in this Hollywood scene in your opinion?

Dear Academy Attention:
Don't worry, Sandra is safe (much to your, my, and my diehard-Sandra-fan cousin's relief). But the real attention-worthy ladies are the up-and-coming little desserts like Anne Hathaway or Rachel McAdams. And of course, what's dessert without some fine wine like Meryl Streep? Trust, there are some women in this town who are just delicious enough without any dirty laundry on the side.

Dear Awful Truth:
I don't believe in coincidences, so I really don't believe that it's a coincidence that Nikki Reed's computer was stolen within a few days after naked pictures of Ashley Greene were leaked. What do you think?

Dear Greene with Envy?:
Please—has there ever been a nude-pic scandal without some major foul play involved? Not likely, buddy.

Dear Awful Truth:
Is Joshua Jackson Nevis Devine?

Dear Mighty Ducks Maybe:
Yawn, nope. Think much more famous, and much less...vanilla.

Dear Awful Truth:
Is there any correlation between Ben Affleck and Toothy Tile? Throw us a bone, pretty please!
—Lilly E. V., Houston, TX

Dear Toothfleck:
You bet your ass there is! Now you've just got to figure out what.

Dear Awful Truth:
I was on Twitter and realized that Miley and Selena Gomez are no longer following each other, when before they used to. I'm surprised that no one has found this out yet. My theory is that the two are not "best friends" as the two claim to be and that Nick Jonas may have had a part in the falling out between the two…only confirming that Selena and Nick did go out and that Nick and Miley are definitely an item now.

Dear Twitter Fever:
1. I do not keep track of who Miley follows on Twitter. 2. I do not like who Miley follows on Twitter. 3. I do not care who Miley follows on Twitter. It just goes to show that even after you've escaped high school, there's still plenty of drama visible if you keep an eye on the world of young Hollywood. I'm totally all for a Jomez reunion, baby.

Dear Awful Truth:
Can we get some dirt on that hottie Craig Horner and the beautiful Bridget Regan from Legend of the Seeker? Love that show! Anyone who enjoys good sci-fi/fantasy action and some teasing sexy scenes should check it out. Craig just blows me away with his abs every time his shirt comes off, and I'd prolly switch teams for Bridget!

Dear Ladybugging Out:
Sorry, but no dirt on them at the moment. Maybe in a few years when they're...I don't know, remotely famous?

Dear Awful Truth:
I'm losing hope in an Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone hook-up after seeing she's hooking up with Chace Crawford, who, in my opinion is a downgrade from delicious Jackson. I'm starting to think that the only Twi-couple worth caring about is Robsten. Am I wise?

Dear Sounds About Right:
For now, yes, you're very wise. But with all those new cast members up in Vancouver (especially Xavier Samuel stealing Rob's style), count on that not being the case for very long. What about a Taylor Lautner-Ashley hook-up? Or Xavier-Nikki? There are definitely some very, very eligible combinations to be made, don't you think?

Dear Awful Truth:
Why do you refer to Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles as Jackles, when everyone in fandom calls them J2 (Jay-squared)?

Dear Oops!:
We stand corrected. J2 from now on, trust.

Dear Awful Truth:
Sophia Bush & One Tree Hill are my secret obsessions and lately there have been rumors flying around that Sophia and Austin Nichols are back on, but um...isn't Austin gay? Can you tell me if their relationship is more than just platonic? As a fan of both Lipstick Jungle and Privileged, I'd rather see her and Robert Buckley dating. Do you think that could happen in the future??

Dear One Tree Homo:
First, let me say that our really sharp readers will get a kick out of this one. And second, the Austin/Sophia stuff is only temporary, because if there is such a thing as divine intervention, it would in fact pull Sophia and abtastic Robert together.

Dear Ted:
I am a faithful reader of your column and wish to applaud you for your strong stance on rescues and animal abuse in general. As an ex-Eagles fan, I am appalled they chose to give Michael Vick a job. I could write a very long essay on just how horrified I am but suffice it to say I am done with the Eagles. I have chosen, instead, to take any moneys I would have spent on tickets, merchandise, etc. and donate it to some of Michael Vick's victims. I would appreciate it if you'd include my letter and this link. I'm hoping other ex-Eagles fans do the same, as well as people in general.

Dear Vick in a Box:
On behalf of Ted, thanks for the link! We're happy to share it.

Dear Awful Truth:
I am going crazy trying to figure out who Terry Tush-Trade is! Is TTT still working for the Twilight franchise?

Dear Summit Salary:
Of course. TTT's not getting the Rachelle Lefevre treatment any time soon...we think.

Dear Awful Truth:
What is going on between Taylor Lautner and Nikki Reed? Look at the pictures of them together lately! Anything?

Dear Vancouver Vixens:
Gasp! Do you mean to say that Nikki and Paris Latsis may have a crummy relationship that's not entirely fulfilling!?

Dear Awful Truth:
Do you think Summit will let Rob and Kristen do interviews together when press time comes for New Moon? I'm dying to see some new interviews with the two together. My fear is Taylor is going to be the main man or at least wedged between the two.

Dear Outlook Not Good:
My gut instinct is that Rob will indeed have a greater presence when press appearances come (because, after all, he's basically selling this movie to millions of teenage girls), but until then, we're not gonna see nearly as much R.Pattz as we will Taylor. That's the loophole in Summit's grand plan—try to pimp Taylor all you want, but it's Rob who gets those pre-pubescent asses into the sticky movie theater seats.

Dear Awful Truth:
What happened to Mariah Carey's music?
—Sweet Determination

Dear Musical Meltdown:
Time happened, dude.