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Unclean, unclean!

That's kinda how we feel after peeping Fox's two-hour suckfest special about Nadya "Octomom" Suleman—which, thanks to all the herky-jerky camerawork, closed-caption 911 calls and crying children, we at first mistook for an episode of Cops.

Minus the amusingly combative scene from inside the delivery room when Suleman's octuplets were born in January (gee, what a coup that someone was filming!), we saw very little that hadn't already been hinted at (or exhausted) in previous video footage, tabloid coverage and paparazzi pics.

Which is not to say it wasn't even more horrible than we could have imagined. Among the lowlights from Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage:

• Suleman squealing, "What am I, the president?! No!" when she sees the mob waiting outside her house when she returns from the hospital with the first two babies and somehow can't believe all the attention. "I did not expect there to be a party at this house."

• The mother of 14 trying to explain to her understandably concerned mother, Angela, why she isn't worried about being able to financially support her kids. "You grew up in a completely different environment—this is a different time," Suleman insists. So true. There's never been a better time to be eking out a living in California.

• Besides, she's got "inner resources" to tap into. "People can't comprehend really why I'm not worried," she says. "I do have strong faith that I will find a way."

• "I have to disagree with anyone who'd even have the audacity to say that any of these children should be adopted," Suleman explodes when her mom even mentions the A-word. "I will never understand your unflexibility and inability to accept and let go. I'm never going to change my mind. I'll never apologize for having so many children and I never will."

• The creepy 48 Hours-style music playing when Suleman recounted being creeped out by the free childcare she received and then eschewed, calling the nannies' attitudes toward her babies "obsessive."

• Suleman reacting to one of Kate Gosselin's infamous bikini shots with, "Oh my God, that is so staged!"

• A member of the medical team in the delivery room telling Suleman's designated camerawoman she shouldn't be so close to the birthing table and the woman replying, "I'm calm and I'm normal...There's no reason to start something...I've already cleared this with everybody and I don't know why you are in my face!" To which the poor staffer protested that she was just doing her job. The camerawoman retorted, "You're completely immature and we'll talk about it later."

• Suleman's father taking offense at the interviewer asking whether he foresees Nadya losing custody of any of her kids. "I will fight anybody for her, even the government," he says. "I won't allow that."

Actually, that last part was sorta nice.

Anyway, our tummies hurt, but you can feel free to unload in the comments.

Here's all we have on Octomom since she entered our atmosphere in January...