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Miley Cyrus, Taylor Lautner

Kevin Mazur/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
You said that Selena Gomez is adorable, but I only see fake. With Miley you get what you see, with Selena you get fakeness. What is going on between them anyway? Did their drama start over Nick Jonas or just over jealousy? Also, if I were Miley, I would so date Taylor Lautner just to piss Selena off. Now that would be an awesome story, don't you think?

Dear Disnemies:
Now that's a perfect romance pairing for sure. And Selena's as fake as every other Disney star out there desperately trying to be on their best behavior at all times (that is, besides diamond in the rough Miley, who does whatever the hell she wants at times, but trust, she's as big of a faker as the rest of 'em).

Dear Ted:
Are you a fan of Supernatural? Just wondering if you're a fan of either one those two smokin'-hot guys!

Dear Burnin' Love:
Haven't given the show a proper watch, but the A.T. is definitely a drooling fan of stars Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. Almost as much of a fan as they are for each other!

Dear Ted:
I've become addicted to your blog. Is Zac Efron as squeaky clean as he seems? It doesn't seem consistent with dating someone with nude photos. Or does he just manage his image well?

Dear Zefron XXX:
I don't think he comes across as squeaky clean, per se—especially when happily posing for photos with GF Vanessa in stores that sell sex toys. Still, gotta admit Zac hasn't made too many slipups that would stop moms from buying their kids Efron-related products, which is more than Miley can say. Maybe it's because Zac has his secrets too...yep, that's it.

Dear Ted:
Was just getting my weekly fix of the Awful Truth, and I just wanted to say you are beyond fabulous for all the work you do with animals. Oh and the gossip is great too! I look forward to more Awful Truths, as does my pup, Lola. We watch them together. Keep up the wonderful work. I wish ya nothing but the best! Just a thought...I know you do all kinds of work for shelters and homeless animals and that's fantastic! What about specific breed rescues? I do my best to refer anyone looking for a specific breed to these rescues. Most states have one and they have all breeds.

Dear No Animal Discrimination:
I don't discriminate against the poor animals...just their out of control breeders sometimes. Where do you recommend, dollface?

Dear Ted:
I've read your column for years, followed you from one rag to the next, and always tell my friends that of all the gossip bloggers you are the one who always tell it like it is and now this: What's the deal with you and the Jolie-Pitts? You apologizing about a freaking misquote! Give me a break Ted, what's really going on? So what if it was misquoted, s--t happens, but you felt compelled to blog about it, or were you forced to set the record straight? What happened to you? Whatever it is, I wish the real Ted would come back, I miss him.

Dear Brangie Bitch:
Same Ted, with the same journalistic integrity as always. If we see a total lie being made up in front of our faces, we're gonna squash it, even if it's about Brangelina.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the update and especially the picture of Hunter Parrish. Weeds is my favorite TV show! What lucky little Botwin boys that they get to work with the incredible Mary-Louise Parker. I think she is the best actress on the tube, and Nancy Botwin is the baddest bitch on TV.

Dear Weed Need:
I agree completely! Think she was just as badass to Billy Crudup when he ditched her for younger game? He deserved whatever bitchfest he got.

Dear Ted:
Do you really think Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are rebelling against Summit? I think that rebellion is too light. They'd show some PDA, holding hands, some kissing...I mean they can't get fired, so if they're really committed, get out of the closet and send Summit 's stupid pretensions to hell!

Dear Robsten Lite:
Rebelling in the sense that after they were sat down and told not to be together that's precisely what they did. Then again, Summit knew that would happen, too. Just like they know that Rob and Kristen are too private to ever come out or talk about what they are. A few G-rated slipups are only helping the franchise. But if they were to get all Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart, that would be a different story entirely.

Dear Ted:
I was never such a fan of celeb gossip until I discovered your column. You are smart and hilarious—I'm totally addicted! So I have a question about our old friend Crotch Uh-Lastic: Any chance he might have had a tasty (albeit extremely brief) swimming pool scene in a recent film? And could that have sparked his offscreen swimming pool shenanigans? If he's the man I suspect him to be, I think his career would be absolutely fine if he came out of the closet already. He's a great actor with an increasingly fantastic résumé. Wouldn't you agree?

Dear Crotchy Clue:
Crotch is very busy studying his moves.

Dear Ted:
I bet you could hear the cheers from Broadway that Jeremy Piven's high-profile movie The Goods tanked at the box office this weekend. Really, sixth place? And no Emmy nomination this year. Do you think this snap of reality will make him a little more humble? Or will he just binge on more sushi?

Dear Sushi Scum:
Flops don't make people more humble. Just makes them bitter and angry. Two things the Pivs already is.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for advocating rescuing pets from shelters. I am the proud mama of a shelter dog and kitty—best pets you could ever have! I have a suggestion that might just help all the old regs and the Twi-hards get along. Instead of separate columns, how about just different discussion threads following the Bitch-Backs? So frustrating to weed through hundreds of "aren't they cute, blah, blah, blah" comments, especially when you have dropped some great B.V. hints. Love your blolumn btw—it's my dirty little secret!

Dear Shelter Sweetie:
Don't keep your love of the A.T. a secret. We all have our dirty vices. And interesting idea, but for now, afraid you'll have to sift through hundreds of Robsten theories, sorry!

Dear Ted:
 Any news on Jerry Rock-Butt and Chutney Jones? Has Rock-Butt ditched Jones yet or did they kiss and make up? Hope not! Love to hear more about JRB's trips to Vegas. Methinks your last Blind on these two skipped over those deets a little too quickly.

Dear Still Together, Still Boring:
They're "still dating" as of now and have a totally snooze-worthy relaysh. If they always look that miserable in public together I don't understand why Jerry doesn't cut Chutney loose. They would both move on just fine. Jerry, more so, of course.

Dear Ted:
I'm just wondering if the "alleged" coupling of Wentworth Miller and Brothers and Sisters' Luke Macfarlane went anywhere. Being of the nonmale species, I find them highly adorable! The problem is that one photo set of them walking together made them hibernate for a very long time.

Dear Prison Breakup?
The delicious duo haven't been seen together in months, even out for a latte. Not a good sign! Then again, if Miller insists he barely knows Luke and the two are "just friends," they're prolly still on!

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile currently being bearded by another B.V.?

Dear Blind Overlap:
Of course. But I don't think that narrows it down much.

Dear Ted:
When can we expect a kiss and tell from Michael Angarano? Or is he going to handle the breakup with the discreetness of Nikki Reed? Ha! Loving the Twilight goss!

Dear Keeping Mum on Robsten:
Doubt it. Expect a no-Kristen-questions clause during all upcoming interviews for Mike's upcoming flick, Gentlemen Broncos. Just like how Kristen isn't handling any personal questions about Rob.

Dear Ted:
Why is everyone having a field day over Miley's comment about ruining Radiohead? If you heard the interview, she was just joking around, why are people taking it so seriously? And I was wondering if Joe Jonas is gay or bi. I have a difficult time believing him to be completely straight, especially after his high-heeled Spandex dance.

Dear Queer or Quirky?
We haven't slept with Joe, so as far as I know, he ain't gay for me. And like you've never seen a straight dude in drag before! They think it's friggin' hilarious to dress like women.

Dear Ted:
I find it odd that George Clooney's girlfriend resembles Cindy Crawford and that he is always hanging out with Cindy and her husband. Don't you see the similarity?

Dear Crawford Copycat:
Sure do! Think he's trying to send her a message?

Dear Ted:
What's up with Kristen and Nikki acting like BFFs again?

Dear Friend Watch:
I hardly see the "BFF" resemblance like they were back during the Twilight days. Nikki's been replaced by Rob as far as hanging out and all that other stuff goes. Just because Nikki's "over it" now they can pretend to be one happy cast again.