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Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart

Matthew Simmons/Getty Images

The celeb sex tape—what was once a hideously embarrassing leak due to an untrustworthy ex has become a clever career move for wannabe stars who need to build some extra buzz around their names.

But we're totally let down with the latest sex romp thrown on the pile, the "naked tape" between Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart and a third nobody. So friggin' boring as far as the (lack of) sex goes—tho the nude trifecta picking out porn names is kinda hilarious. But the last thing we wanna get from a celeb sex tape is the giggles.

We're so not feeling Eric and Rebecca's little nudie party, but how does it stack up against Paris' night-vision vid or Rob Lowe's double naughty dip?

See just how many orgasms we give all the famous celeb sex tapes of the past. Hope you brought some protection, 'cause it all ain't so pretty:

Paris Hilton
Partner:
Douchey ex-BF Rick Salomon
Sexiness:
Two out of five orgasms. Par's so bored she answers a phone call right in the middle!
Career Boost or Bust:
Would Paris Hilton be Paris Hilton without this sex tape? Don't answer that, it's too depressing to contemplate.
Sequel?
Doesn't this count

Verne Troyer
Partner:
V.T.'s GF at the time, Ranae Shrider
Sexiness: We're unable to orgasm while shaking and crying.
Career Boost or Bust:
Boost, we guess, since why would we talk about Mini Me otherwise?
Sequel?
We sincerely hope this doesn't become a spinoff of the Austin Powers franchise.

Rob Lowe
Partner:
Two girls, one who was 16 years old
Sexiness:
One out of five orgasms. We don't condone sexiness on underage girls, especially not when you're preying on them at the Democratic National Convention.
Career Boost or Bust:
Total bust. Lowe headed to rehab soon after
Sequel?
There sure was! This time with a model and another dude. Guess Lowe didn't learn his lesson.

Colin Farrell
Partner:
Playmate Nicole Narain
Sexiness:
Five out of five orgasms. Exactly what a good, nasty, grainy sex tape should be: hot amateur footage of endowed beauties who just love kinky sex.
Career Boost or Bust:
Just some humiliation, but this is hardly the worst thing this former bad boy's done
Sequel?
Yes, please!

Pamela Anderson
Partner:
On-again, off-again hubby Tommy Lee
Sexiness:
Two out of five orgasms. Like we've never seen Pammy with her clothes off before.
Career Boost or Bust:
Boost. What else is P.A. gonna do in the public eye? Act?
Sequel?
Inevitable.

Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart
Partner:
Ex-beauty queen/Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche
Sexiness: Half an orgasm, but we're really faking it.
Career Boost or Bust: We shall see!
Sequel? Only if McSteamy gets booted off Grey's Anatomy and he's got nothing better to do.

—Additional reporting by Becky Bain