Bitch-Back! When Did Jake Gyllenhaal Start to Suck?

Debate over Jake, Megan Fox, and Twilight of course

By Ted Casablanca Aug 12, 2009 2:00 PMTags
Reese Witherspoon, Jake GyllenhaalFlynet

Dear Ted:
I used to love Jake Gyllenhaal. He always came across as sexy, self-confident, charming and funny. Since beginning his coffeemance with the ultra phony Reese he has lost all those qualities. He has now become Mr. Witherspoon following on a leash and picking bad movies (can you see the camp-fest that is Prince of Persia).Is there hope he'll come to his senses and be his man again?
Arianna 

Dear Pansyspoon:
Oh, Jake traded a lot in when he decided to get all domestically boring. But at the same time, shacking up with an Oscar winner makes people in the business take him way more seriously. This is a pretty weird town, huh? 

Dear Ted:
I don't get why people keep suggesting Megan Fox to play vamped out Bella in Breaking Dawn. I mean, I know that Fox is super hot, but I have no doubt that Kristen Stewart can pull off playing a more gorgeous Bella (who isn't plain to begin with btw, she just seems to think that she is). Do you think that people just want to chuck K.Stew because of her awkward and sometimes less than friendly public appearances or do they want the drama that adding Megan to the cast will inevitably bring? I just can't imagine them seriously believing that such a drastic casting alteration would be anywhere near a good idea in the Twilight series.
Cela

Dear Rachelle 2.0:
Kristen definitely won't be replaced. It's not like she can't get glam and hot.

Dear Ted:
Is it true that Emma Watson is being totally bitchy on set of Harry Potter?
Confused

Dear Not So Magical:
I've heard something similar, but not enough to make me totally buy into it. 

Dear Ted:
Have you thought of making Twitters for your Blind Vices? They/you could tweet hints about who are they are and answer reader's questions about them. I would love to see what Twyla Babe Sucker or Terry Tush-Trade would Tweet about.
Short Gurl 

Dear Blind Tweeting:
That's a fab idea. TTT would say something like "I'm more confused than ever right now! But at least I'm having fun. Jealous much?" 

Dear Ted:
I'm so proud of you. Did you notice that when you click on eonline.com in the top ten "Most Commented" area, all the 10 spots are from The Awful Truth? Congrats! OK Twilight haters, there is a clue that most people love all the Twilight info that Ted brings to us every friggin day. Guess what? The whole ten spots are about Twilight or Robsten. I can't get enough of Robsten. Just want to say thank you, and the most commented area tells you Ted that most people love you and trust you, and the Awful Truth is the big deal in the whole page.
Team Robsten Team Ted 

Dear AT Enthusiast:
You must have been a cheerleader or something, doll-face. Love the Robsten energy, we'll keep bringing you all that dish, promise. Love you right back—and personally, I'm Team Taryn. 

Dear Ted:
Love you, love the column, and love Bitch-Back! I'm not super into the whole Twilight thing though. If you are not going to have a separate Twilight section, can you at least have a separate Twilight Bitch-Back, so those of us who aren't interested in hearing your response to the same Robsten questions over and over can avoid them?
xoxo 

Dear Nolight:
I think that would drive me just as bonkers. Can't we all learn to share and get along? Love you, too! 

Dear Ted:
I started reading your column about two months ago and I am totally and completely addicted! I get so sad on Sundays. So I saw the interview that Brad Pitt gave about how he and Angie wouldn't marry until it was fair for everyone, no matter who they love. I was wondering how you feel about that. Also, I was wondering if you would read Carrie Prejean's book? Obviously not for entertainment, but maybe for some material! Plus prayers for Butch, and I hope things are going well with your new bundles of fur!
Madds 

Dear Curious Charlie:
Charlie Casablanca
's doing great, she's much loved. And as much as I heart the Brangelina sentiments, logically speaking, I think there's a way bigger reason why they don't marry. As for annoying-ass Carrie don't kid yourself and think she's going to write a page of that book. Ghost writing is as normal as gay-closeting in H-wood. 

Dear Ted:
You were right all along! Let's celebrate! *pops open bottle of bubbly* Pics of Robsten at Chateau Marmont!
Onthemoon

Dear Trust Issues:
Didn't believe me either, I see. Oh well, glad some pics are out there, too! Now if only we could take it up a level like the ones snapped of Chace Crawford and Ashley Greene when they got caught red-lipped Monday. 

Dear Ted:
One Tree Hill is my guilty pleasure and with such beautiful people like Sophia Bush, James Lafferty, Austin Nichols and Robert Buckley working together, I was wondering: Is there any hot romance going on?
Mara

Dear One Tree Horny:
Your kidding, right? Babe, you've got no idea. 

Dear Ted:
I agree that Meryl Streep was wonderful in Julie & Julia, and Amy Adams did make me antsy at times but I do not think that your bitching at Julie Powell for unrightfully blogging about Child is relevant, nor sound at all! I'm pretty sure she started it not knowing how popular it would be, so why would she have even thought to ask? That "Afternoon Piss" was such a waste of time! You could have been trimming trees or enjoying a balmy Los Angeles day! You could have organized your sock drawer! Bitch about something worth bitching, please.
C 

Dear Agree To Disagree:
You try getting your life's work entirely lifted for another artist's project, then come back and tell me if it's worth a couple-minute bitch—at least! 

Dear Ted:
Does Kristen Stewart have a chance at a Cosmo cover as Fun Female of the Year? I mean, playing Bella Swan and Joan Jett in the same year that you're bagging Robert Pattinson would make her a great candidate!
Riley

Dear Cover Wars:
Couldn't agree more, hon. And I def see a Cosmo job in her future—once she gets a smidge older. No one wants sex advice from a barely legal babe (too many prudes in the world, if you ask me). Think more Megan Fox for Fun Femme Fatale of the Year, or whatever it's called.

Dear Ted:
I love your blog, it's the first thing I read in the morning. Has Hilary Duff ever been in your Blind Vice? Also is there anything steamy going on in the Gossip Girl set like the things that go down with the Twilight cast?
Tupey 

Dear Gossip Girl Goss:
Hilary hasn't, but she could be. Very soon. And the GG cast isn't quite as crazy as the Twi group. Not by a bi-sexual long shot. But they so have their Vices, trust.

Dear Ted:
I recently crawled out of my hole here in Podunk, Alabama, and subscribed to HBO, and I can't get enough of True Blood. So, my question is, has any cast member ever been a B.V, and if so could you clue me in please? Also, being a southern gal, myself, I do find Anna Paquin's accent just a tad exaggerated! Do we really sound like that? Also, love the A.T., but it's too bad other gossip columnist have to copy you. You're an original, and a real standout guy. RIP Butch!
sher31

Dear Not So Fair In Love And Blogging:
True Blood is the best show on TV, save maybe Damages. Actually the cast hasn't been quite as naughty to star in a BV, but they are also very up and coming. I predict that changes soon.

Dear Ted:
Thanks, Ted, for everything you're doing on behalf of shelter animals! You set a great example in a town all too often obsessed with the puppy-mill "accessory" of the moment. Charlie Casablanca is a lucky dude to have an enlightened dad like you! Meantime, what odds are you giving that Brad and Angelina will still be together by the end of 2009?
Miss Poodel 

Dear Puppy Love:
Many thanks GF. Brange won't expire exactly soon. But they will eventually. Trust me on this. Best thing they've done so far to make it last? Not get married.

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