• Share
  • Tweet
  • Share
Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed

Todd Williamson/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Is there any way we can find Nikki Reed another movie to do so she can get fired from Eclipse, too?
Robsten Fan 

Dear Ba-Zing!:
Let's get you set up with your own blog, bitch—I haven't laughed out loud like that in a looong time. Now email me and I'll tell you where to send Nikki's flowers. 

Dear Ted:
Please, please, please tell me that Toothy Tile is Kellan Lutz! I wrote a list of the people you ruled out, and K.Lutz is the only one absent (I think). He had a famous partner, AnnaLynne McCord, and she looks like she could kinda go both ways. Ugh, this is driving me crazy! I bet this was exactly what you were going for! Blessings for Butch in doggie heaven, which is where I know he is. Love ya!
Maddie Love 

Dear Killin' for Kellan:
Fantastic guess! But Toothy was in the limelight long before Kellan ever was. (And thanks for the Butch wishes…but he's right next door in feline heaven.) 

Dear Ted:
I just saw The Hangover, and yes, I know I am very late on that one. I thought it was hysterical! Bradley Cooper is a sexy beast. My questions are, 1. Has he ever been a B.V.? 2. What's going on with him these days? Is he still trying to hook up with Renée Zellweger—and why her, seriously?
Jenni S. 

Dear Brad's Babe:
Yep, B-Diddy has been a juicy little naughty Vice before. And as for what his current sitch is, it's tough to differentiate what his true lady-lovin' feelings are from what he's only doing to stay relevant now that the spotlight has found him again. Could Jen Aniston be the former, or the latter? Hmm, indeed. 

Dear Ted:
More Robsten, more Robsten! Ted, what is the up and up on Robsten's upcoming Teen Choice Awards appearance? Should we expect a whole lot of lackluster nothingness?!

Dear Awkward at Awards Shows:
Shoot, let's hope not. They gotta start givein' us more. 

Dear Ted:
I'm a Robsten obsessed Twilight fan writing to you from India....yes, the craze has spread everywhere. I read your column daily and stay up late to check latest news in spite of the huge time difference...I'd just like to ask you which are the major events coming up in which we will get to see some more food from thought from Robsten...waiting eagerly for your reply!

Dear Interested in India:
Well, this Sunday's showing at the Teen Choice Awards will almost certainly give us some new juice. Then they've got the plane ride together up to Vancouver. And then there's plenty that can happen while on-set, now, isn't there? Especially with all them newbies joining the cast! And this isn't even touching whatever shenanigans Paris Latsis and Nikki thrown themselves into. Gonna be messy. Yum-yum! 

Dear Ted:
The [Robsten videos] soundtrack and score kept me awake today as I drove back to DC from Scranton. Rob's singing and guitar playing makes him, like, 1000x hotter. Didn't know that was possible. Even better, a girl I have befriended through Twitter, mailed me a spare, new 2008 Twilight calendar. I squealed like a 14 year old girl when I picked up this weekend's mail. Hope you had a terrific weekend, Teddy C.

Dear Holey Moley:
I'm going to fill in the gaps in this account with my own assumptions, but I'm glad you had a darling little mail batch, hon. 

Dear Ted:
We need to teach people to talk to their veterinarians about spaying and neutering, and we need people to continue offering low cost shot and spay/neuter clinics. We need law officers to enforce leash and neglect laws that are already in place. We need to teach people to adopt from shelters or obtain from breeders who care about their dogs and the dogs they produce, breeders who take back their puppies if something doesn't work out, instead of pet shops, puppy mills, and those people trying to make a quick buck. What we don't need are laws which actually increase rates of euthanasia and are designed by interest groups whose true goal is the elimination and extinction of all domestic animals, even dogs like you and me.
Sizzle (the Dog) 

Dear Miss Sizz:
Amen, my brother from another bitch. 

Dear Ted:
We Robsten lovers had a grand ol' time reading into your latest Truth Lies & Ted! Humor me, you were throwing tons of clues at us, right? Some are calling us crazy for trying to decipher why you were pulling donuts out of the ceiling, or the significance of you receiving a pizza in a legal envelope...are they justified in thinking us crazy? Oh, no matter...it was fun!

Dear I'm Sorry To Say…:
But yes, a little crazy, sweets. 

Dear Ted:
You are the only gossip guru that I trust! Has Sarah Michelle Gellar ever been the subject of a Blind Vice?
Buffy Fan 

Dear One Slayed-Up Blind Vice:
And how. 

Dear Ted:
First off, I love this Ask Ted thing! Second, I just want to know why you keep answering the same Twilight questions over and over. It's getting redundant. And third, what do you think about the Gosselins' child schedule? I mean how often does that happen, two parents switching houses and not sending the kids off between two houses? Thanks!
<3 Confuzed Kid 

Dear Un-Confused:
1. Love you back. 2. Because I keep getting the damn things! 3. There are plenty of things that I think are downright despicable about Jon and Kate, and their handling of their children is most definitely one of them. 

Dear Ted:
I'm gay. Out and proud since high school. It never was easy and it never will be. I don't know what to think of all those closeted actors. God, I'm so depressed when I think of all these young and beautiful guys who think that it's OK to hide their homosexuality like it's something to be ashamed of. I need some hope Ted. Give me hope. Tell me that some of those celebrities will come out soon. Out of Toothy Tile, Judas Jack-Off, Crotch Uh-Lastic, Dashed Dingle-Dream and Crescent Kumquat, who is (are) the one(s) you do have hope that he'll come out within a year or two years from now?

Dear Hunky and Homo:
Who do I hope will come out? All of them. Who do I think will? None. With the possible exception of Crotch. He's too smart for this bs. 

Dear Ted:
Okay, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are such a hot couple! Please tell me they aren't as boring as they seem.

Dear Hottie Watch:
Oh, you better believe it. Didn't you hear about their big blow-out behind the scenes at Comic-Con? It seems that trouble is not so far away from the little paradise that SJ & RR supposedly live in. 

Dear Ted:
Love your column, love to read about Robsten, have a thought I'd like to run past you. Do you think Rob is/was just in it for the hunt? It seems like every girl he's associated with (Camilla Belle, Megan Fox, Kristen Stewart) are all at least semi-attached to a guy at the time. I've known a few guys who just liked the power/thrill of being able to take a girl away from another guy. Now that Kristen's apparently been wooed away from Michael Angarano, could the thrill be gone for Rob? Keep up the great work on the no-kill support columns!

Dear Most Dangerous Game:
Not only does Rob love the hunt and chase, but his babes do, too, particularly Kristen! Hello, it's all just a part of the cycle. Deep down everyone's a shark, right?