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Jude Law, Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp

ZUMApress.com, Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images, PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
Love your column, read it daily! I've heard Robert Pattinson called the new Jude Law or the new Johnny Depp. He reminds me of some old time Hollywood stars...boyish self effacing charm of say James Stewart...the still waters run deep of my favorite Gregory Peck. How about Rob in a remake of Roman Holiday someday? Sorry about your kitty. I have two sweet rescue dogs, just lost their kitty pal to kidney disease.

Dear Remake for Robbie:
Sometimes remaking a classic film can be the kiss of death for an actor—if people don't like the film's betrayal of the original, then they won't like the actor, natch. But getting Rob into some more serious mainstream stuff is definitely on the plate! (Also, I totally agree with you about Rob being the new Johnny…absolutely!)

Dear Ted:
I started reading your column recently, and now I'm totally addicted. Thanks for all the juicy gossip. I just wanted to throw in my two cents on Jennifer Garner. A good friend of mine works in a NYC bookstore that's frequented by celebrities. One day Jen Garner and her daughter stopped in, and Jen let Violet run wild in the children's section, knocking books off shelves and throwing books to the floor. She essentially trashed the children's area, and Jen left without even attempting to put one book back on a shelf or apologizing for the mess. My friend said she was surprised because Jen always seems so sweet and nice on TV, but it looks like the truth has come out.

Dear Anti-Jen:
Love it! You think we should start a "Have You been Dissed By Jen, Too?" section on the blolumn? Maybe that would be a better place for all you anti-Garnerites to air your grievances!

Dear Ted:
You are such a tease, and that's why we love you, but seriously…you told a Bitch-Backer to check the archives for the scoop on a Hollywood actress who may have faked a pregnancy while her child was carried by a surrogate. Have you ever tried to find something like that in the AT archives? I tried humming the Mission Impossible theme, but it didn't help. Since that cat is presumably out of the bag and meowing already, could you just name names this time, pretty please? Or give out a power hint?

Dear Surrogate Secret:
Is this powerful enough?

Dear Ted:
You're such a great person! I wish my mom let me have pets. You encourage people to do the right thing. I have a Robsten question. In a few days, the Teen Choice Awards are taking place. Any chance of Robsten? I heard that only R.Pattz is going. If they go, are we going to see another display of disaffection between them (perfect planned by Summit)? Keep up the good work creating awareness about animal shelters! Congrats on Charlie, she seems like a good pet.

Dear Twi Choice Awards:
The whole cast—including Rob, Kristen, Taylor, Nikki, Ashley, and Kellan—is reportedly confirmed to appear at the awards. Our very own Taryn Ryder will be covering the show, though, so I'm confident that she can crack the Summit secrecy and get the real scoop out of these kids' mouths. And Charlie says, "Woof, please take me for walk, already."

Dear Ted:
I think André Gide gave a whole new meaning to the expression "the straight and narrow path". So, given this question you got ["Does George Clooney have anything in common with John Mayer (i.e., not exactly on the straight and narrow)?"], perhaps instead of answering "Do you really think I can answer that?" you could have just written: "You said it. Clooney's exactly on the straight and narrow." Don't you think so? Must say good bye now. I was away on winter holidays, and have still a lot of the Awful Truth to catch up with!

Dear Stupid Cupid:
Trans what? I've read Gide but not since college, is he the new Stephenie Meyer or something?

Dear Ted:
Just saw your "How about Alexander [Skarsgård] for lust and Rob for love?" response. Well I say, how about Alexander for both? I'm a Twilight fan and I think Rob's great but ever since I started watching True Blood, I can't get Alex out of my mind…and I don't usually even like blondes! With him it's the whole package of looks, intelligence, humor, modesty and don't forget crazy sexy! By comparison, I think he makes Rob look very young and maybe a little greasy. Do you think there's a chance that Alex will eventually overshadow our sweet Rob? I know for me, he already has.

Dear Skarsgreåt:
I can tell you that there are some people in this office who definitely agree with you. And did you see him at Comic-Con? Damn, if that doesn't make you want to become a vampire, I don't know what will.

Dear Ted:
First of all congrats on adding Charlie to the Casablanca clan. Our family lost Sweetpea recently and now her sister Dixie and I are ready to open our home and hearts to another rescue dog. Back to my Twi-question, is Terry Tush-Trade an individual person or a two-person team?
Sweetpea's Mommy

Dear Momma Sweetpea:
Condolences on your pup, darlin'. And an answer to your question: Terry is just Terry, the one and only.

Dear Ted:
I love you, dearest, but I am going to check out on you if you don't drop the 24-7 coverage of Twilight. I never saw the movie, I think these "actors" are a bunch of 15 minute famers, and could care less about them!! Please, ease up on it!!

Dear Fifteen Minutes of Fun:
Only if you ease up on the exclamatory punctuation.

Dear Ted:
Michael Vick
paid his time in jail. He has served his time and now he should get a chance to play again. I love animals just as much as the next guy but when people say someone should eat dog poop for the rest of their life, it seems a little harsh. They have people who killed people who got less time then Vick!
A. Scott

Dear Tough Luck:
A brief stint behind bars definitely didn't teach Vick his lesson, methinks. You bet your ass I'm not gonna go easy on that d-bag anytime soon.

Dear Ted:
Hey sweets, Shafterella Shoshstein is Anne Hathaway, right?

Dear Sweet Anne?!:
No! You're right about the dazzling, but think much more obviously bitchy.

Dear Ted:
No question. Just wanted to share this link with a fellow stop puppy mills activist. I love all dogs, but I am a shih-tzu girl at heart. I have 4 rescues. Love ya, handsome.

Dear Precious Pups:
Dee-lish! Thanks, love.

Dear Ted:
Ted! I am an Ugly Truth addict, and we are not talking the movie. Won't get in to that! Will you ever tell us the identity of Toothy Tile? My guess is Ashton Kutcher. Hey, I work hard. I can have one Ugly pleasure, right?

Dear Tooth'd:
Toothy has more than one guilty pleasure, allow yourself a few more babe! And no, Ashton's too straight to be TT.

Dear Ted:
You may recall I am not into the whole Twilight thing, but I do really think it's unfair that people pick on these young men and women so much. Does K.Stew itch her head? She's 19, for goodness sake. How many of us have poise and the ability to sit still and give a good interview at that age? And we wonder why Brit and Mischa cracked. Imagine away, but can we keep the low blows (no pun intended, you Twi-fans) to a minimum and not attack these young people so personally? Keep fighting the good shelter fight, and ask Butch to send a prayer to my 13 year old Lab who is having some issues.

Dear Youthful You:
It's all in the sad, sad story of classic young Hollywood, darling! There's no way around it. (BTW, your dog is most definitely in our prayers.)

Dear Ted:
Hi! I'd like to know your opinion about the strong connections between Twilight and the Mormon church. This community is known to have strongly supported Prop 8 by asking their members to give money for it, so I'm really surprised you're so enthusiastic about promoting a story with so obvious links to them…or maybe the interest of gossip and drooling over the physical aspect of the actors outweigh any beliefs?

Dear Boycott Blues:
In this world, doll, there are some times when you have to sacrifice your own views for what the people are interested in reading. Shed a tear for me, babe.

Dear Ted:
Just wondering when all the loving for Tom Sturridge is gonna start. He's pretty hot, too! Just saying…oops, I think I'm underage anyway. Any news on him? Is he anything like Robert? Kind? Funny? Thanks, Ted!

Dear Alternative Edward:
Tom and Rob are actually friends in real life, but that probably dissolved since Tom was allegedly hoping for the part of Edward Cullen as well. But Tom still needs to make his big debut in the American spotlight before any gossip rag takes notice.

Dear Ted:
I really don't get the madness of the Twi-lunatics. The intensity poured onto the couple is quite worrying. (Although it's also fascinating; it makes me want to study pop-culture & anthropology. Twi-lunacy would make a great thesis!) I get fandom, but the extreme passion for "Robsten" seems to be clouding some judgement. They really want Kristen to get pregnant?! She can't even drink yet! They hate Emilie De Ravin and any other actress who even speaks to Rob? Please remind people that Rob and Kristen are young. They're essentially kids. They are just getting their feet wet in the Industry (not to mention life). The Twi-loonies need to prepare themselves for the end - because this couple won't last!
Lucy in Dublin

Dear Robsten Reality Check:
Hey, I'm sure some 19- and 23-year-old couples endure until the end. There's got to be a stat somewhere! Let the Twi-hards enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Dear Ted:
I doubt you will post this letter or the one I sent off to you right before this one in your Bitch-Back, but if you do post either of my letters (or even both of them!), kudos to you. As I ranted in my earlier letter, your around-the-clock coverage of all things Twilight is most bothersome to some of your most loyal readers like myself who have been following your column for over ten years. But since you choose to ignore us in favor of catering to a group of people which includes grown women who cry real tears of joy simply at your mention of a "secret Robsten sighting," you leave me no choice but to vent my frustrations with your column as of late. Regarding your story on Nikki Reed and Paris Latsis, since when is dating Paris Hilton's leftovers a one-way ticket to rubbing shoulders with the "Hollywood elite?" Did you mean Hollywood, Florida? Because the people of the Hollywood I live and work in, would laugh at both you and your utterly ridiculous suggestions. LOL.

Dear Wisecracking One:
Dating Paris's sloppy-seconds squeeze is Nikki's only way to get into the Hollywood party scene, even if she's entering that world via the social equivalent of the company mailroom. Get my analogy? Entry-level position for Nikki before she ditches the Greek geek and moves on up. She's definitely gorge enough, too.

Dear Ted:
You are so polite…most of the time. :) Amazingly funny, too. I think you are due some nice words when people send you those horrible emails. It's ok to have a comment or complaint but people should express them in a more tasteful way, not just biting your head off.

Dear Immunity!:
It's all in the job description, babe. But thanks for the kind words.

Dear Ted:
I've long had a shameful fascination with Vin Diesel. The kind full of mixed feelings. You said he was a Blind Vice; can you give any hints?

Dear Diesel Only:

Dear Ted:
Ted, your Truth, Lies & Ted this week was so fab! Who knew that Robsten was scripted? Adore that K-Stew broke code. How crappy is Summit that they make their actors follow scripts at Comic-Con? Is there any particular reason why you were eating through the whole segment, were you having cravings?

Dear Totally TLT:
Calling Summit crappy is the understatement of the century, Tootsie Pop. Don't be so nice! And I was forced by my bossy producer, Brian Walmsley, to eat all that lard. The things I do for straight men.