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Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer

AP Photo/Chris Carlson

Dear Ted:
Is it just me, or was something off about Jennifer Aniston at the Oscars? Her eyes looked very small and kinda red and puffy. Either a) she was stoned; b) she had been crying a lot beforehand; or c) she was wearing too much eyeliner. I hope it was c) too much eyeliner. I really feel for Jen, and I think it was gutsy for her to be a presenter when both Brad and Angelina were nominees. And, yes, I think she can act—remember The Good Girl? I hope she gets some more good roles like that where she can show her stuff.
Gretchen, Chicago

Dear Neurotic or Nervous:
Let’s just say I’m assured it was no coincidence Brangelina was seated in eyeline view. They wanted ratings, remember? And people think it was all Hugh 

Dear Ted:
Do you think Gillian's visit to L.A. has something to do with the continuity of the story of "Mulder and Scully"?
The truth is out there

Dear Gillovney Addict:
I thought Mulder was being a good boy now? You mean he isn’t?

Dear Ted:
There's never an excuse to abuse a woman! It doesn't matter that she was annoying him or being controlling…it was painful to watch you act as though he had a good reason to beat her. It actually makes you look bad. I'm sure you're a nice guy, but you might want to think a little before you speak about sensitive subjects like these.
Superelana 

Dear Mistread:
So sorry, hon, if that’s how it came across on Truth, Lies & Ted. I assure you, in no way was I justifying what happened to sweet RiRi. Just tellin’ ya they had a bad relaysh before it all went down.

Dear Ted:
This is the first time I'm writing to you, and it's because I think I have guessed who Judas Jack-Off is. All clues point to the Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds, and he is one hunk who makes my gaydar go haywire, in spite of his marriage to ScarJo in 2008, hint hint. I know you won't tell me or anybody else who it actually is, but I so wish there was a way to find out whether I'm right or not.
Your biggest Sri Lankan fan, Ness

Dear Broke-dar:
Hate to disappoint, but Ry is very much into women. Like, a lot. 

Dear Ted:
Could Sean Penn have been any nastier to Robin Wright Penn at the Oscars? It was embarrassing to watch him ignore her physically after he won and verbally in his acceptance speech. Why did they even attend together?
Colin in Ct

Dear Fake 'n’ Date:
That’s a question for Robin, darling. And forget attending. What the ef is she still doing in that marriage? I don’t get it, either. But as much as I loved Sean’s acceptance speech, you can always find time to thank your wife.

Dear Ted:
How do you think Nicole Kidman felt about being chosen as the actress to congratulate Angeline Jolie for her Oscar nomination? Nicole used to be the belle of the ball and there she was honoring someone she probably wouldn't consider her equal. Plus, in the past she was critical of Angie using charity work to get attention. All in all I thought it was Nicole's best performance. You?
Katty

Dear Melt a Kidman:
I think she was just happy to be anywhere near that acceptance podium after the heinousness of her Australia performance. Gal can’t rely on nakedness like Hugh can.

Dear Ted:
Is Matthew McConaughey's relationship with his baby mama for real? He is in Brazil and the press cannot stop talking about how they don't even look at or touch each other. By the way, last night on the Carnival parade he went to the bathroom with 12 bodyguards and no one else was allowed to get in while he was there. Is he dick shy or is it something else?
Brazilian Insider 

Dear Broken Babes:
Details please! Love “dick shy.” Maybe you’re onto something?

Dear Ted:
Valkyrie is terrific and Tom Cruise was good in it! Why was it snubbed at the Oscars?
Kate

Dear Fevered Hot:
Sorry, darling I have to disagree. Tom sure gets points for trying, but Oscar material it wasn’t.

Dear Ted:
Am I the only one who thought that Reese Witherspoon looked pregnant in that blue gown at the Oscars?
RMZ

Dear Bump Watch:
No. 

Dear Ted:
I saw a lot of suspicious bearding couples at the Oscars. Did any of the closeted actors bring a boyfriend as a date to the Oscar parties like Crisp Lisp did years ago? I bet Toothy Tile was there with his beard, but did Gray Goose use the back door to get in?
Reggie 

Dear Goose on the Loose:
Whose back door are you talking about?

Dear Ted:
It is Toothy Tile’s four-year anniversary in March. It’s been a long way and he is huge now (there is even an academic paper written about him!) Could you tell us how you see him in the next four years? Happy Toothy anniversary!
Claudia 

Dear Stud Study:
I love it. We should all call him Professor Tooth at this point!

Dear Ted:
I am just writing to thank you for teaching me a life lesson. I’ve always been a very conservative person in my beliefs, so when a celebrity I am a fan of came out saying they were gay I was very disappointed. I really liked this person so I decided this is 2009; we’re supposed to love our neighbors and not judge. It was hard but I decided to keep an open mind and appreciate this person for their talent. Thanks to the hate and mocking of the media, especially you (along with all the people at E!), Perez Hilton and Kathy Griffin (a gay icon), this person’s career is probably over (although I’m still pathetically wishing for a miracle). So thank you for teaching me that it’s OK to close my mind and my heart and not give a gay celebrity a chance. I can go straight to the hate and mocking since you have demonstrated by your words that this is acceptable behavior. At least I won’t get my feelings hurt listening to someone I like get bashed by E! and the other media again.
KTA

Dear Jagged Little Pill:
Some dish is harder to swallow than others, dear. Toughen up.

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Devine Justin Bartha or Bradley Cooper? Both of them scream formerly uncloseted, now closeted, gay to me.
Tyler

Dear Screaming Mad:
Neither are Nevis! You’re getting very warm, though. So warm I’m mushy just tellin’ ya about it!

Dear Ted:
Loving your increasingly ranty column, as ever. Now, I agree that the brilliant Baz Luhrmann mucked up Australia with embarrassingly Aussie characterizations and a thin story. But do you think your unrelenting Nicole Kidman angst has colored your point of view? I mean, Australia wasn't so bad that it should be called a dog. That honor has to go to Mama Mia!
Ros, Melbourne, Australia

Dear Musical Mess:
Can’t they tie?

Dear Ted:
As interesting and funny as you are, Ted, you're also incredible frustrating in your vagueness. What are you telling us about Robert Pattinson? With whom or how often does he play around; more and intricate details please!
X 

Dear Patty Playdate:
Semi-often, and the “whom” part Patty keeps on the DL; why on earth should I spill? He’s a pretty cool guy. It’s the freaks I prefer to ef with.