Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

Will Alexander/WENN.com

"It's not like I saw any freaky s--t!"

—Waiter hired for a recent Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes fete thrown at their Bev Hills pad. Said uniformed type was forced to sign a 20-page confidentiality agreement and submit to a background check before he could serve appetizers to TomKat's celeb guests. The overly stymied (but not really!) caterer also told us the posh pair couldn't have been nicer to work for. No Suri clones or S&M rooms in the mansion to speak of—makes ya wonder why they went to such great lengths to keep the inside happenings of the house so hush-hush