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A study published by the University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland found that by the time most women are 30 years old, they've lost 90 percent of their ovarian eggs.  I clarified "ovarian" to avoid any confusion for my readers who aren't bright. 

As far as I'm concerned, this is great news.  Finally, I can start having unprotected sex again.  All of these women having babies late in life really had my tubes in a knot…not literally the surgical knot that keeps you from getting pregnant, but the figurative knot that keeps you from being able to pork sans birth control. 

Planned Parenthood, I'd like to thank you for all the years of dedicated support, but I will no longer be paying you bi-monthly visits.  I shall pass on my punchcard to a younger, eggier blonde who really needs it.  I wouldn't want it to go to waste…I was just one punch away from a free vanilla latte. 

I don't know why Planned Parenthood serves lattes, but it sure put a pep in my step when I took a shameful walk down their lonely hallways.