"Paradise is a recipe for love and for disaster at the same time."
Monday night's episode of Bachelor in Paradise definitely was more disaster than love. A lot more. Seriously, every couple, person and crab in Mexico seemed miserable.
While we usually tune into the ABC reality hit for an escape, it was basically like Debbie Downer herself walked down the steps...and the cast was blaming Scallop Fingers. Confused? Don't worry, we'll get to that in a moment.
So, let's through a pity party and run down the list of no-good, very-bad things that went down in Paradise in tonight's episode, shall we?
1. The episode started off on a crabby note, literally, when Alexis took a silly game too far by putting a dead crab in a blindfolded Jack Stone's mouth, costing her his rose. Hard to believe this is the first time crabs resulted in a breakup in Paradise, right?
2. Jasmine thought she and Matt were one of BIP's solid couples...until Christen (virgin from Nick Viall's season) walked down the stairs and Matt plotted his escape, basically begging Christen to ask him out, which she did. Big mistake. Huge.
3. After hearing Christen asked Matt out, Jasmine in on a mission to bully her into submission. ("You want good TV, ABC? I'm about to give you good TV. Here we go!")
4. Christen and Matt still go on their boring date (shopping and a chocolate covered banana, you know, true once-in-a-lifetime experiences you can only experience in Mexico) and have a good enough time. Meanwhile, back in Paradise, the group is talking some serious s--t about Christen, with Alexis telling an already-infamous story about Christen touching her with her Scallop Fingers. Definition: Gross smelly fingers that occur when you eat scallops with your bare hands. (Hot-take: do we need to have another cast sitdown about bullying?)
5. So how does this love triangle end? With Matt deciding to just up and leave Paradise before the rose ceremony. "He's no longer with us," Taylor said with zero percent sarcasm. Yep, he dropped both women like hot potatoes, leaving them to now battle it out for the rose of none other than "serial killer Jack Stone." (Wells' words, not ours. But accurate?) "I feel like it's a Hail Mary," Christen said after her kiss with Jack Stone, surely signaling the start of an epic romance.
6. Also not having luck in the rose department? Lacey, who calls Diggy out for going out with Dominique RIGHT after they got back from their date last week. "60 minutes is all it took for you to forget that I existed." DRAG. HIM. LACEY. Too bad he ended their convo by saying Dominique is getting his rose. Dom-Diggity lives on and Lacey has no shelter to hide out in.
7. Poor Sarah, if only you weren't up against the franchise's new golden girl Raven when it came to Adam. "I don't want a Paradise boyfriend, I want real," Sarah told him. "I don't want to be anybody's second best and I deserve better than that." You do. And you're not going to get it here, babe.
8. As for Robby and Amanda, he attempted to finally win her over with a grand romantic gesture...throwing leftover glow sticks from a rave in a pool that probably hasn't been cleaned since BIP started. For some reason, Amanda chose to return to a game of Scattegories than giving a desperate Robby his first smooch.
9. Robby's luck changes after he gifted Amanda with hotel slippers he likely asked a PA to steal before the rose ceremony, finally getting his first kiss from the hesitant single mom who is still dealing with PTSD from her relationship with Josh Murray. He described their first kiss as "above and beyond," while Amanda said it was "good." Overwhelm us with detail, why don't you?! Oh, and then Robby told her, "You taste like chardonnay." Are your knees buckling under the weight of such romance yet?
10. Not even this season's golden couple Taylor and Derek were safe from the gloom that lingered over Paradise. The duo hit their first roadblock after Derek responded to one of Taylor's concerns about his struggle to communicate his feelings with this gem: "F—k you." He tried to say he was being sarcastic, but Taylor is NOT OK with it, as being spoken to that way reminded her of past relationships. Of course, they worked it out and went back to being boring and in love, refilling Taylor's near-depleted "emotional piggy bank" in the process.
11. Oh, Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. Anyone else still rooting for him to be the next Bachelor after seeing how poorly he's been handling his love triangle with Kristina and Danielle L. (aka D-Lo)? Puppy needs to grow a pair and make a decision.
12. The episode's big cliffhanger? Daniel, the Canadian who is the shirtless disgrace of Canada, made his return, meaning we know get to watch all of these rose-deprived ladies throw themselves at him.
13. And if all of this wasn't enough, Ben Z. barely spoke and didn't even mention his dog.
Let us end with this: Thank god Chris Harrison for Wells, y'all.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.