The end of The Bachelor is upon us, and things are getting desperate, even for us.
As we hurtle towards the end of Nick's time in the sun (or so we thought) and his final decision as to which woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, ABC is starting to feed us in smaller and smaller doses. Tonight's episode was just an hour long, but boy did it give us a lot to digest.
First, there was that Andi Dorfman cliffhanger.
Last week, she showed up at Nick's hotel room door with a sassy, "Hello, Nick," and we were left to wonder if she was there to whisk Nick away, finally regretful of that time she "made love" with him when she wasn't "in love" with him. In fact, she was not. What she was there to do was drink whiskey and tell him to have sex with the women if he wants to.
That's not a joke. That's what she told him.
"Honestly, you're entitled to do whatever you want."
Now Andi, we have to tell you that that's really badly worded advice when you're referring to someone having sex with someone else, but we guess we understand what she meant. He should have sex with the women if he feels like he should have sex with them, but he should not have sex with them if he doesn't feel like he should have sex with them. Cool. Thanks, Andi.
After some strange nonsense in which Nick explained that he might just dump all the women and not get engaged at all, Lady Dorfman (which is what we're naming the main character in the 1800s mystery novel we're writing) also had a question for Nick, and it was one she'd clearly been ready to ask for like three years.
"Do you look back, and you're like damn, I shouldn't have said why would you make love with me when you weren't in love with me?" she asked so quickly that we're sure those words are permanently engraved in her brain, or perhaps on the back of her eyelids, so whenever she closes her eyes, she's reminded of that horrific moment, captured on live TV.
Nick didn't exactly say yes, but he did admit it wasn't the "best move," and that his biggest regret was the fact that when he said what he said, it brought Andi a lot of heartbreak and a lot of pain. He doesn't regret saying what he said, of course. He just regrets that Andi found it painful.
That's a bad apology Nick, and we don't accept it.
Anyway, the rose ceremony was up next, and after Vanessa whined for a bit about how she doesn't think she's the most special among her boyfriend's multiple girlfriends, it was time to say goodbye to the one and only Corinne while everyone froze to death on the deck at a hotel in Brooklyn.
Corinne knew it was coming, and she burst into tears before apologizing to Nick.
"I'm sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset," she cried, despite us never remembering Nick being upset over Corinne, and that apology for nothing was a thousand times better than Nick's non-apology to Andi. Nick assured Corinne that she did nothing wrong and then sent her away in her limo.
"I'm going to miss the hell out of you."
And then she made her exit in the most Corinne way possible, declaring that she was done trying to impress men, and it was time for men to start impressing her (true). Then, just before she transformed into an unexpected feminist icon, she fell asleep, and headed off to the dream land where she lives.
Finally, finally, finally, we made it to the fantasy suites, which inexplicably were located in Finland, which is apparently not the perfect place to fall in love, since all the women are already in love with Nick.
First, Nick took a sad and lengthy walk through the snow and reflected upon his relationship with all three remaining women. His reflections upon Rachel were the most worrying (for anyone who doesn't know she must be about to go home), since she's never given him any "affirmations" of their love, but Raven's fantasy suite date is first, and she's got some bombshells to drop...after they argue about ironing vs. steaming.
Unlike some former contestants, her bombshell is not that she's a virgin. She's had sex with one person, she just has never had an orgasm. That, of course, sucks for her, but Nick's face's reaction to this news did not suck.
"Lost for words?" she asked after she broke the news.
"Yeah, I was not expecting that," he mumbled.
Other than that, Raven actually had a lot of lovely sentiments to share about how she had never felt this way before, but then to the camera, Nick was like "Maybe I shouldn't sleep with these women."
You're a complicated dude, Nick Viall.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.