Congratulations, Hollywood! You made it through award season. You survived the Golden Globes, the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the Grammys (for some of you) and, finally, the Oscars.
You should get a trophy for your time, energy and dedication to wearing Spanx, but a lot of you already have more than your fair share of hardware. What we are doling out, though, are some good hard props. Props for making the movies that America has been so captivated by. Props for picking out dresses and tuxedos that make America feel very, very self-conscious of the yoga pants they are most likely wearing when they watch you on the red carpet. Props for powering through what could have been a monotonous and repetitive series of events, and turning them into a rip-roaring good time.
These aren't just empty-threat props, though. We've been watching each and every award show with a careful eye for the best moments, and we are here today to present the A-lister with E! News' official Award Season Superlatives. These congratulations will go to the best, the funniest, and, most importantly, those who had the coolest-looking flasks. (Yes, that's you, Rihanna.)
Without further ado.
The Hostess With the Mostest: Jimmy Kimmel
It was a battle of the James', and also a battle of the late-night hosts. All were stellar, but we have to give the nod to Mr. Kimmel this time around, partly because of his ability to keep his Matt Damon feud going for longer than we all thought possible (one thousand snaps for that We Bought a Zoo dig), and also because he had to experience the world's most awkward Best Picture snag. There's really no right way to react when the night's biggest award is given to the wrong movie, but Jimmy fought what was surely an incredibly strong urge to unzip his own skin, and for that he deserves all the praise.
Most Impressively Long-lasting Beard: Casey Affleck
His beard takes commitment. His beard takes patience. His beard takes, presumably, a very effective grooming system.
Biggest #RelationshipGoals: Andrew Garfield and Ryan Reynolds
There's been a lot of turmoil in the love lives of Hollywood's biggest and brightest, but one thing is for sure: Andrew Garfield and Ryan Reynolds' Golden Globes kiss.
Biggest #ThirdWheelGoals: Emma Stone, Damien Chazelle and Damien Chazelle's girlfriend
If you have to accidentally get stuck in the middle of a couple's intimate embrace, at least it's this couple.
Most Meryl-Like Speech: The guy from Stranger Things, at the SAG Awards.
If you can't be Meryl, you may as well have the speech that came in a close second.
Best Award Season Frenemies: Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon
They make good frenemy all year-round, but their rift was especially strong at the Oscars. One might think that Kimmel's constant digs toward Damon would get old, but somehow they don't. If Kimmel has done anything right in his life, it's constantly thinking of new and creative ways to burn Matt, not the least of which was convincing the orchestra to play him off while he was onstage presenting alongside Ben Affleck. Artistic burn.
The Award Season Hero We Don't Deserve: Brad Pitt
The guy's so magical, that all he has to do is show up and he gets a standing ovation from the entire house at the Golden Globes.
Sappiest Speech: Viola Davis
We're never not crying whenever Viola Davis is speaking, but the actress' Oscars words were some for the ages. It started with her onstage acceptance, in heart-wrenching fashion. "You know, there's one place that all the people with the people with the greatest potential are gathered, one place and that's the graveyard," she said. "People ask me all the time, 'What kind of stories do you want to tell, Viola?' And I say, 'Exhume those bodies. Exhume those stories. The stories of the people who dreamed big and never saw those dreams to fruition. People who fell in love and lost."
Davis continued the emotional roller coaster in the press room after the show, telling reporters of her difficult upbringing and saying, "I just wanted to be good at something." Game over.
Most Expressive Face: Winona Ryder
Never forget Winona Ryder's faces.