Corinne Olympios is a lot of things.
She's a business woman, a strategic napper, an expert interrupter, a grown woman with a nanny, clearly an avid drinker, and one of The Bachelor's most instantly iconic contestants ever. Her mind is a mystery we may never even hope to solve, but I thought I would try to anyway.
In an effort to gain some insight into the life of this 24-year-old woman who seems to constantly teeter on the edge of adulthood and childhood, I decided to copy her diet for a day, based on the meals she revealed that her nanny, Raquel, prepares for her after waking her up and making her bed. These included cucumber slices, lemon salad, and cheese pasta.
Unfortunately, I don't have a Raquel, so I was forced to venture into the kitchen on my own. Luckily for you, I documented all of it.
In my attempts to be as genuinely Corinne as possible, I finally allowed myself to rise from my bed around noon (because when you run a multi-million dollar company from your home, business starts whenever you feel like it). Since, as I said, I do not have a nanny, I was going to have to figure out how to acquire sliced cucumber all by myself.
The first thing you have to know about cucumber slices is that cucumbers do not grow like that. In order to get cucumber slices, you have to use a knife—preferably a sharp one. This sounds scary, but most kitchens have them, and many, many people have successfully learned to use them without injuring themselves, and I was pretty sure I could too.
And I was right! I only sliced open one of my fingers, but I just sucked on it until the bleeding stopped. After an hour or so, I had a beautiful plate of cucumber slices. I even arranged them in a pretty swirly pattern! (I know, the way Corinne eats her cucumber resembles something more like wedges than slices, but I can do what I want.)
After I had settled myself back in my bed (so I'd be ready for my post-breakfast nap), I took a bite. I then remembered that cucumbers are disgusting, so I ran back to the kitchen and doused them in balsamic vinegar and garlic salt. That made them delicious, and I ate them all. I might have even licked the plate afterwards, before I tossed it in the general direction of the sink to be washed and sank into a deep sleep.
I woke up two hours later to discover it was not yet lunch time. I first grabbed a book and almost read a few words before I realized what I was doing and threw the book across the room, just in time for my pre-lunch nap.
Eventually, I made my way back to the kitchen to figure out how to make a lemon salad. The only known ingredients for this meal are lemons, oil, and garlic salt. I contemplated a bowl full of lemon slices covered in oil and garlic salt, but after some fruitless Googling, I eventually decided on making a dressing out of lemon juice, olive oil, and garlic salt and eating it on an actual spinach salad.
I must have done it completely wrong, because somehow the dressing was both too oily and too lemony, and no matter how much garlic salt I threw on there, it seemed that nothing could save it. I even tried to reuse the trick from breakfast and added balsamic vinegar, but that did nothing. The combination was disgusting without Raquel's ratio expertise. I essentially ate no lunch at all.
Defeated, I went back to sleep.
Dinner was by far the meal I was most excited about, knowing that I would get to try the famous cheese pasta that Corinne just couldn't make correctly, no matter how hard she tried. I even used the actual recipe that Corinne gave to US Weekly, even though that recipe was less of a recipe and more like a brief, common sense-filled description of how to make pasta and then add cheese to it.
The recipe provided no measurements, and no instructions on what kind of pasta or what kind of cheese, and not even a breakdown of how to boil water. Thus I was forced to go with the pasta and cheese that I had, which was bow-tie and parmesan, and just wing it. (Side note: one serving of bow-tie pasta is not very much bow-tie pasta.)
With a bit of garlic salt (a Corinne diet staple) on top, the taste was good. The texture, however, left a lot to be desired. The recipe very specifically said to boil the pasta for 10 minutes, but I think my pasta could have used a little more time. And I kind of get the feeling that there's some kind of milk or creamier cheese in that recipe that Corinne's not aware of, because simply adding cheese to the pasta just created one big cheese pasta glob. I could have eaten it with my hands, and I would have, if I weren't so darn tired.
All that cooking was just exhausting. I can't help but wonder how Raquel can even stand by the end of the day! I also can't help but wonder if Raquel is keeping the actual recipe for cheese pasta a secret in order to keep her job, so that Corinne relies on her for cheese pasta for the rest of her life. Raquel might actually be a genius.
Anyway, despite the textural problems, I ate all of it and fell asleep on top of the bowl.
There's no way to end a day like licking whipped cream off of your own naked body! Just kidding. I was f—king starving after those three measly meals—even after snacking on avocado toast a couple of times in between naps—so I ate all of my leftover candy from the holidays while I binge-watched myself in the mirror.
With hardly a glance at my disaster of a kitchen full of unwashed spoons, I finally went to bed and fell right to sleep, dreaming of boob jobs, bounce houses, and making Corinne great again.
I wouldn't hire Corinne to plan my meals, but I think she might just be bad at describing food. And I will give it to her that Raquel's cheese pasta recipe is not easy to master, so anytime Raquel wants to come over and make me the real stuff, I will not say no. In fact, Raquel has an open invitation to come over any time and teach me how to make cheese pasta.
In the end, I didn't get any closer to understanding the real Corinne. I did, however, learn that while it's hard to base a diet off of a drunk woman's ramblings about how much she misses her nanny, it sure is fun to try.
UPDATE: E! News has learned that Raquel uses shell pasta with shredded cheddar and mozzarella cheeses in her cheese pasta recipe. The mystery is solved!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.