Today Chrissy Teigen ends the very first year of her 30s. It's been a whirlwind 12 months; far more eventful than most third decades.
To start, she successfully went through the process of IVF and had her first baby. She also released a cookbook, quit and subsequently rejoined Twitter and planned the most elaborate baby's Halloween in existence. Phew.
But while everyone is well-versed in the multi-hyphenate's many accomplishments in life, what the public most knows her for is her animated attitude over just about everything. Chrissy Teigen is one person who doesn't make her feelings hard to read. If she's into something, you'll know it. And when she couldn't care less, she really couldn't care less.
In fact, most of the big life milestones over her 30th year can be boiled down into two categories: Times when she gave all the f--ks in the whole wide world, and times when she literally DGAF. Take any occasion that warranted her clapping back on social media: There were a heck of a lot of f--ks being given. Or take her reaction to a wardrobe malfunction of any shape or size: There aren't any f--ks to be found.
This can get confusing, so we created a handy little chart. A chart o' f--ks, if you will. Whenever you find yourself wondering, self, is Chrissy Teigen currently giving all the f--ks or zero f--ks?, you can find out the answer below. Here's to never having to worry about f--ks again .
When she went private on Twitter. This is the ultimate celebrity giving-a-f--k power play. What better way to punish all of your followers than to just take away the goods? It all happened this fall during the presidential debates when Chrissy felt like she was "absorbing bad s--t 24/7." Let it be known that if Chrissy Teigen ever screws with her social media accounts in any way, she definitely gives all the f--ks.
When she planned Luna's Halloween costumes. You heard it here first: Chrissy Teigen is not laid back about Halloween. She will find the perfect costume for her (freaking adorable, we might add) baby daughter, no matter what it takes. And if it takes ordering and subsequently trying on dozens (okay, maybe not dozens) of costumes, then so be it. Banana, peacock, Minnie Mouse, hot dog...the gang's all here! There's hardly room left for all the f--ks.
Whenever she watches Real Housewives. The women of Beverly Hills, Atlanta, New Jersey, Orange County and the like are basically the patron saints of giving all the f--ks. They give f--ks about things that regular people didn't even know existed, let alone worried about. It's near-impossible to watch these shows and not find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of cares, and Chrissy and John are no exception. Keep fighting the good fight, guys.
Whenever she fights with Piers Morgan. Normally, Chrissy's Twitter activity falls solidly in the DGAF category, but grandiose exceptions are made for Piers Morgan. She's not going to sit idly by with all these unused f--ks while he's saying inflammatory things about Muhammad Ali. She's going to take them and use them to take him down.
When people question her parenting technique. Show me a woman who doesn't get annoyed when other people tell her how to parent her own child and we'll show you a woman who most certainly doesn't exist. Chrissy got her first taste of the over-reaching judgement of the Internet when she (gasp!) decided to go to dinner with her husband shortly after daughter Luna was born, and we bet you can guess what she gave. That's right...all the f--ks. Cue the clapback.
When she went to Trader Joe's. This was a hard one for all of us. We totally give all the f--ks about Trader Joe's, but in a positive way. Chrissy uses all her f--ks to hate on TJ's. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion about cookie butter, but it was a tough moment nonetheless.
Anytime she steps into the kitchen. We're going to make a sweeping proclamation: Chrissy Teigen does not take cooking lightly. She's not going to just stumble into the kitchen minutes before hosting a dinner party and microwave something from the night before. No, sir. She's going to gather up all her f--ks and channel them to pull together the best roast chicken you've ever seen.
When she flashed her crotch at the AMAs. Do you think Chrissy Teigen has even a microcosm of care over a wardrobe malfunction? Hell no. She has bigger fish to fry—just read her cookbook! She's going to offer up a quick (and unnecessary) apology and then move on to the joke portion of the evening. Anyone who's offended can stop pretending they don't want to know the name of her esthetician.
When she wasn't remotely bothered by being pregnant. So much so that she said she wouldn't mind being pal Kim Kardashian's surrogate. Of course this could be because she is a selfless and generous human being, but that argument is making us feel bad about our own unwillingness to offer the same to friends. So we're just going to tell ourselves that she DGAF about the pain and discomfort of being pregnant.
When she released a cookbook with a weekly calorie count of 15,000 calories. Girl likes her butter and she likes it good! Who gives a f--k if it's unhealthy? Not Chrissy.
When she showed her social media followers her stretch marks up close. Her thighs have tributaries and damn if she's gonna GAF about that.
Anytime she appears on Lip Sync Battle. Have you guys seen that show? Would you feel comfortable getting up on a podium in front of America to dance around on the spot? No, but that's because you are a fool who actually does GAF.
When she used bacon to fix a sewer malfunction. Guys, just read Cravings—it's basically a book full of all the times she DGAF. So the next time something is wrong your neighborhood's sewer system and it smells super bad, just cook bacon to cover it up. It might not be the most practical solution, but at least you won't have to give a f--k.