"We're the world's worst parents."
You can say that again, John. You can say that again.
It was a night of parents reuniting with their long-lost children on American Horror Story, with John finally taking his boy Holden home (while daughter Scarlett starves in a dark, empty house is at Grandma's) and Liz Taylor settling her unfinished business with the son she abandoned all those years ago. One might escape the Cortez (relatively) unscathed, but the odds aren't exactly in the other family's favor.
And we haven't even mentioned that epic cliffhanger, yet. As always, we're bursting at the seams with theories...
There's Only One Commandment Kill Left And it's a doozy. After John (Wes Bentley) took out that cult ("Thou shalt have no other gods before me") tonight, he's nearly finished March's (Evan Peters) work. Only thing? March isn't ready to be done. He's ready to enlist his partner for more work, but we've got a feeling there's a way around that for ol' Johnny Boy. More on that later.
Liz Isn't Ready to Die Is there a character more sympathetic this season than Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare)? No, there isn't. After making a pact to shuffle off this mortal coil together with Iris (Kathy Bates), Liz had just one piece of unfinished business to attend to so her eternity wouldn't involve her current Hell: Make peace with Douglas, the son she abandoned. With the assistance of Miss Evers (Mare Winningham, who was more delightful here than she's been all season), Liz got Douglas to the hotel for a touching reunion. Her son was ready to accept her for the person she is, their sad history aside: "I really learned something when Pedro died on The Real World. I kept learning. Plenty of time to talk it out, Liz. And, hey, there's plenty of room for another woman in my life." ALL THE TEARS. Let's just hope (and pray and beg) that Douglas got out of the Cortez and on the road to Boulder before Liz and Iris went on their little shooting spree.
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Sally Scorned So, John helped Alex (Chloe Sevigny) with her little child vampire gang problem (Shoved 'em all in a wall of the Cortez for Ramona to feed on. HORRIFIC.) and now they're ready to be a family again, taking Holden right out the damn front door. One problem? Sally (Sarah Paulson) and her threats: "I'm going to kill you. I swear on my soul, I'm going to kill you!" Something tells us she really, really means it.
Donovan Welcomes Death After slaying Valentino (Finn Wittrock), Donovan (Matt Bomer) returned to The Countess (Lady Gaga) to rub it in her face and await his punishment. (Not before showing off his best Drake moves to "Hotline Bling," though!) "I just don't mind. Dying is the only way you'll let me love you." And he might've gotten his wish if his mom and Liz hadn't burst through the penthouse doors, guns blazing...
March Is John's Final Victim The only commandment left is "Thou shalt not kill." Nearly all of the death we've witnessed are because of March. John needs to complete the commandments to be free of March. The commandments are the "unfinished business" keeping March on the mortal plane. All signs point to John taking March out. Now, we're not saying it'll be easy, but it's got to happen.
Liz's Son Is Doomed There's going to be hell to pay for Liz and Iris trying to take out The Countess. And we're got a sinking suspicion poor, sweet Douglas is going to have to foot the bill.
Ramona's Building An Army Sure, Ramona (Angela Bassett) is hungry and she'll probably snack on some of those poor kids. But, we've got a feeling that whenever she breaks free, she's going to have a few blood-thirsty kiddos to do her bidding.
LOL LINES OF THE NIGHT
"Why don't people have the courtesy to blow their brains out in their own home?" - Iris after that elderly couple committed suicide in the most heinous way imaginable
"Bitch, please." - Donovan, after bringing a gun to Valentino's sword fight
"Missing? No, I was just exploring the new renovations on the seventh floor and got lost in the hallway for two days. I'd love to show it to you. My wife designed it herself." - Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) making the surprise return of the night
What did you think of tonight's episode of Hotel?
American Horror Story: Hotel returns Wednesday, Jan. 6 at 10 p.m. on FX.