LucasfilmTo prepare for Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens, I recently watched the original Star Wars trilogy for the first time. Yes, in 2015.
Full disclosure:
I had many opportunities to watch the original trilogy as a kid. When I was probably about 6, I remember making it through about seven minutes of Star Wars: Episode IV—A New Hope before I turned to my dad and said, "This is boring. Can we watch Spaceballs again?"
I also am a die-hard Star Trek fan and this definitely contributed to my reluctance to cross over to the Dark Side. (You heard me.) But when I heard J.J. Abrams was directing the new Star Wars...
Admittedly I did watch the second Star Wars trilogy when those movies were first released. Like all of you, I was shocked and appalled by Jar-Jar Binks.
For this long-awaited movie binge, I watched the remastered versions of the original Star Wars films and I completely agree with many of you: There is no need for all this CGI tomfoolery.
Star Wars: Episode IV — A New Hope
1. We brake for no one! Oh wait, wrong movie.
2. Sweet sideburns, bro.
3. Those white robots—sorry—Stormtroopers, are definitely crushing this round of laser tag.
4. He sure is a stickler for rules, that C-3PO.
5. Why do the Druids all sound like Gus-Gus from Cinderella? And Disney now owns... It's a Disney conspiracy!
6. R2-D2 just woke up and landed in Toy Story Sid's house of horrors. I hope Wall-E is there.
7. The sexual tension between C-3PO and R2-D2 is amazing. Do people on the Internet ship these two? [Checking...] Of course they do!
8. Good job, Luke. (Note: Don't ever let Luke fix anything for you.)
9. I love the puppet desert beasts. We need more puppet desert beasts in sci-fi movies.
10. What a damn drama queen that C-3PO is.
11. OK, that blue lightsaber is cool as hell.
12. Oh, you need someone young and strong to help you save the universe? Definitely recruit a dude with no experience. That's always good for business.
13. "Sand people always ride single file to hide their numbers." That's GENIUS.
14. Cool, the Klingon warbirds have arrived at the Death Star.
15. That torture machine is going to give Princess Leia back...her old nose! I can't watch!
16. They don't serve Droids at the Cantina and Luke tells them to go outside? Way to stick up for your buddies, dude.
17. Why did Obi-Wan have to resort to violence? Why couldn't he just use the Force to get them to want to leave them alone?
18. Oh, well, helloooo, Han Solo.
19. I may have to rewind this a few seconds because I was momentarily distracted by Han Solo's studliness.
20. "Watch your mouth, kid, or you're gonna find yourself floating home." Oh, snap! Outer space humor!
21. Luke is the most annoying backseat driver.
22. The Millennium Falcon is traveling through my Windows 95 screensaver.
23. Oh my God, R2-D2 is going to hack the mainframe.
24. "Boring conversation anyway..." BANG! Han Solo is my favorite intergalactic misanthrope.
25. Uh-oh, the walls are closing in. Know who would really come in handy right now? MacGuyver.
26. The way C-3PO managed his and R2-D2's casual escape is either genius, or these Stormtroopers were cloned from the dumbest Stormtrooper ever.
27. Oh cool, a Wilhelm scream! Do they still have those in movies?
28. Sweet, Darth Vader and Obi-Wan are going to compete to see who has the biggest Schwartz.
29. "I can't believe he's gone...that guy I've known for three days." - Luke, about Obi-Wan Kenobi
30. It's kind of ironic that Han Solo is the one calling Princess Leia "sister."
31. I wish Harry Connick Jr. and Will Smith were in this X-wing fighter scene. Let's kick the tires and light the fires, Big Daddy.
32. So the Death Star, a planet-size space weapon that can destroy planets, has an exhaust tube that apparently leads directly to the core? That's just bad architecture.
33. How come Chewbacca doesn't get a medal??
Grade: B+. All deducted points were deducted solely because of C-3PO. He was the original Jar-Jar!
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
34. Doesn't it seem weird that there are so many stars in the background but there are none that are closer than others? They're all exactly a million light years away?
35. A Wookie with safety goggles...that's just the best.
36. Oh no, C-3PO is back.
37. Oh cool, Luke is tripping balls again. Wait, it's just Obi-Wan.
38. I wonder if Hope Solo's parents were Star Wars fans.
39. Han Solo, you sonofabitch, such a flirt.
40. "Laser brain" is a splendid insult. We should use it more.
41. Ughhhhhh she's kissing her brother!!! Ughhh gross!!
42. How DO we know Darth Vader isn't making faces under that thing?
43. Darth Vader's command chair has no backrest. That's a Death Star workplace injury lawsuit just waiting to happen.
44. Why would Darth Vader's fighters opt to use a walking "tank" that looks and moves as slow as a camel? Why wouldn't they just all use hovercrafts?
45. Darth Vader has a bad attitude.
46. Han Solo just fixed the Millennium Falcon by pounding on it like it's an old Nintendo. Had that not worked, he could've tried blowing into the cartridge.
47. Oops! But don't worry, Luke. Just put R2 in a bag of rice, he'll be fine.
48. I hope they don't encounter any Rodents Of Unusual Size in this swamp.
49. R2 is perfectly fine. Note to Apple: please make the iPhone 7 out of whatever material he is made of.
50. Let's be honest: Every woman wants a sexy scoundrel like Han Solo.
51. "If I was making the moves on you and C-3PO interrupted us, I would strip him for parts." - my second husband, Han Solo.
52. I can't believe the Millennium Falcon was inside a sock puppet this entire time.
53. That dude who is going to assume full responsibility for losing the Millennium Falcon in the pursuit and apologize to Darth Vader is one dead duck.
54. Yoda would make a GREAT and ruthless CEO with his clever, clever lines.
55. Did Luke really just walk five feet away, sit down on the ground and pout?
56. Yep, apology accepted. Dead duck. I'd hate to think what happens to the intern who gets Darth Vader's Starbucks order wrong. I'd hate to think what happens to the barista who misspells Darth Vader's name.
57. Chewy and I exhibit the exact same reaction when we hear car alarms.
58. WHY IS HE FIXING C-3PO??? (Probable deleted scene: The moment the android started talking, Chewbacca moaned, regretting this foolish decision.)
59. Leia's bait again and Luke is the prize. Someone is definitely showing favoritism toward one of his kids.
60. "I love you." "I know." What did you just say?
61. They just turned Han Solo into a giant chocolate bar. Mmmmm...Han Solo chocolate bar.
62. Guess there's no "silent" mode for R2...kind of a bummer when you're trying not to attract the attention of Stormtroopers.
63. There's no "silent" mode for C-3PO either. What's the warranty on "annoying, overly polite, rickety android"?
Grade: A. All deducted points were deducted solely because of C-3PO.
Star Wars: Episode VI—The Search for More Money
Oh, sorry, wrong movie.
Star Wars: Episode VI—Return of the Jedi
64. Why is Darth Vader passing the buck to the Emperor all the time while talking to a subordinate? That's showing weakness.
65. What is Jabba smoking?
66. Oh, the old, "Torture the android by burning the bottom of his android feet" method.
67. Jabba eats live creatures. He's kind of like Ursula, isn't he?
68. Does everyone serve Jabba because they fear he's going to eat them?
69. He just backhanded C-3PO! I can't hate this slug.
70. Wow, this party really died. And everyone just fell asleep where they partied. Now that's when you know it's a good party.
71. Mmmm, Han Solo tastes like carbonite.
72. Does Jabba have skimpy bikinis just lying around? Is there a range of sizes or does he prefer all his slaves be size 0s?
73. How does Leia, the best shooter out of all the warriors in this trilogy, including the Stormtroopers, allow herself to be degraded like this? She clearly has an escape plan.
74. Wait a minute...this seems familiar...
...
75. Use the Force, Luke.. Or you could just use the old "Stick the chicken bone in his mouth trick." That always works in cartoons.
76. The shirtless, sweaty zookeeper is crying over the beaten monster...now I feel uncomfortable.
77. Finally, R2's other purpose is served: R2-D2, holographic message deliverer and drink tray.
78. Oh my God, I had no idea Audrey II was from Tatooine. (Thanks, superfluous added CGI.)
79. Oh my god, iPhones autocorrect "Tatooine."
80. Yes! Light saber action! And another Wilhelm scream.
81. A little autoerotic asphyxiation...oh, that's just Leia choking Jabba to death. How come none of the other slaves ever thought of that?
82. Yoda, killing it with the age jokes.
83. Yoda just got raptured. Is 900 years the official age limit for his species?
84. Luke's a great guesser. Must've been how she kissed you, huh? Just like Marty McFly and Lorraine.
85. Why does Leia have only one long fingernail? Weeeeeeeeird.
86. Cool helmets. Luke and Leia are finally twinning.
87. How did Luke and Leia not manage to cause a forest fire in Redwood National Park with all those explosions?
88. R2-D2 coming through with the circle saw. He's like a really high-tech Swiss Army knife.
89. C-3PO is the Ewoks' god? That's a good sign these Ewoks aren't too bright.
90. Is Darth Vader really falling for this "I want to join you, Father" crap?
91. This Emperor is NOT messing around.
92. Of course Han would know how to hot-wire something.
93. The tables have turned with this "I love you" thing and it's just so...romantic.
94. "I will not fight you." ...then what have you been doing for the past five minutes?
95. Fun fact: Emperor's other talent is being able to transport Bill and Ted through time.
96. Once again, there's an air shaft leading all the way to the new Death Star's core. You think they would have upgraded the design.
97. Older Darth Vader doesn't look like Hayden Christensen at ALL.
98. A Stormtrooper xylophone! I bet that's funny every time.
99. How come all movies with puppets and monsters end in a giant dance party? I'm also looking at you, Labyrinth.
Grade: B+. All deducted points were deducted solely because...you know.
I look forward eagerly to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, out in theaters on Dec. 18...and more importantly, the Han Solo spinoff movie.