We have so many questions for Elf on the Shelf:
•Why are your eyes so creepy?
•Why do they stare directly into our souls?
•Why are your limbs flailing about as if independent from your body?
•Why do you insist on watching children?
•What hellish nightmare did you escape from?!
Sure, the concept of having a little creature watching kids to ensure good behavior is solid, but the execution is troubling at best. Even when you are innocently posing this thing that looks like a character straight from a Goosebumps book (tell us he doesn't look like the evil dummy Slappy), this damn elf still manages to haunt our dreams.
"It's a fun-filled Christmas tradition that's captured the hearts of children everywhere who welcome home one of Santa's scout elves each holiday season," reads the cheery description on the website. "The elves are magical helpers that help Santa Claus manage his naughty and nice lists by reporting back to him at the North Pole nightly."
Even the description sounds threatening! Reporting back to a holiday overlord? Bye.
We found lots of Elf on the Shelf photos that are either intentionally terrifying or just made creepy by the elf's unblinking stare. We suggest playing this soundtrack while scrolling to really bring this horrifying experience to life.
How do children not feel threatened by something like this?!
The one on the right looks like the evil twin who will soon murder his brother.
You leave Rudolph alone, you monster!
"I'm back...to kill you."
Cats can always sense evil.
[Screams for hours]
Nope, that is almost certainly not ketchup.
Remember that iconic "fava beans and a nice chianti" scene from The Silence of the Lambs? Yeah.
Just when you think it's safe to blow your nose...
Great, now he's enlisted Thomas the Tank Engine to help him keep children in line. Two sets of cold, unblinking stares is better than one.
Pay no attention to him. He's just trying to poison your food.
We all know what he's typing next: "All work and no play makes Elfie a dull boy."
That was written in the dust of their enemies.
No one actually believes that he wrote that in red marker, right?
Always watching. From every angle. 24/7.
We'll give him this: his side-eye game is on point.
Make no mistake, those dolls are gambling for their lives.
Kudos to the brave soul who managed to trap this insatiable servant of Hades.
Enough with the "I'm back!" signs. They are so aggressive.
No one else is concerned about the fact that he's just standing upright?!
"Hee hee! I'm going to burn your house down!"
To sum up: Elf on the Shelf should just join his buddies Chucky and Slappy and stop pretending he is an innocent little angel. We see right through you, Elf!
(Please don't smother us in our sleep. All hail the Dark Lord Elf on the Shelf).