Is it time for bed yet?
After loving Bachelor in Paradise so much last week, we've now gotten to the point where we're just exhausted. Is Jared putting up with Ashley I? Are Sam and Joe together or is Joe crying and referring to himself in the third person? Who's Amber attempting to make a business deal with this week? It's just gettin' kinda old, guys.
Real quick, here are the answers to those questions:
For now, Jared and Ashley I are still a weird thing. He may never be able to escape her, partly because he might genuinely be too nice of a guy, and partly because she's just so infatuated with him that to her, there is no possible reality in which he will not fall at least a little bit in love with her. He's so cute, guys, and so funny, or something!
Amber, meanwhile, accepted a date with Justin (after Sam decided not to go with him) in order to judge Dan's level of jealousy. Her plan totally backfired, however, when it made Dan realize he didn't actually like her all that much, and she doesn't really like Justin all that much either.
Amber then set her sights on Jared, mostly just because he was the only other guy who was slightly available. It started with him being kind of cute, and by the time she was crying at the rose ceremony, she totally had feelings for him. She wanted to give him her rose, but she didn't really say that in any way that would make anyone want to accept a rose from her.
It was more like, "I'm considering the possibility of giving a rose to you. Would you potentially accept this possible exchange?" Romantic, eh?
Jared ended up accepting a rose from Ashley I, which sent Amber running back to Justin as a last resort. This poor girl.
The legendary Chris Bukowski also returned, but not for long. He waited around before finally asking Tenley on a date, but she only would have said yes as friends. He then gave up his date card to Joshua and Tenley, realized (with the help of some brilliant sound editing) that was a giant mistake in terms of giving himself a chance to stay in paradise, and then walked off into the darkness to never be seen again.
It wasn't a lengthy visit, but it was a fun one. Thanks, Chris. We'll miss you.
And finally, there's Sam and Joe, and Dan, and everyone, and whoever, and whatever the hell is happening in that situation.
Sam dumped Justin to go back to Joe, and then Dan decided he thought Samantha was a beautiful innocent snowflake who didn't deserve a dirty old shoe like Joe, so he sweettalked her into giving him the rose instead of Joe, meaning that dirty old shoe got thrown out in favor of the shiny but very, very uncomfortable shoe that is Dan.
Joe did manage to throw some insults Sam's way before taking off, including, "You're gonna have a lot of cats, too!"
Meanwhile, Ashley S, who would be the fuzzy stiletto bunny slipper of the bunch if we're sticking to our shoe analogy, gave a little speech about how Samantha's beauty is just so captivating that she doesn't even know what to do with herself.
If Sam were a shoe, she'd be one of those really thin, really high-heeled pointed toe heels that's totally the cause of all of our back problems, our charlie horses, and our dilapidated toenails. Cute, but also totally awful.
We guess Chris Harrison summed it up best when he took the floor at the start of the rose ceremony and so eloquently said, "So it seems like we have some couples, and then it seems like we don't."
That is just about the gist of this whole mess. Luckily, tomorrow night it appears we get a little visit from Makenzie, the girl who's into aliens and has a son named Kale, and someone who's there to take everyone's boyfriends...especially Ashley I's.
We can't wait.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sunday and Monday at 8 p.m. on ABC.