No joke, lie, or sarcasm: That was our favorite episode of Bachelor in Paradise of all time.
We got drama, we got comedy, we got Ashley S, we got a big return, and we got the most magnificent exit we've ever seen. Honestly, we almost never want to watch the show again because we know it's never going to live up to the brilliance we just witnessed.
First, there was the rose ceremony to deal with, in which three women were going to have to go home, with JJ and Dan pretty much in control of who those women were.
JJ and Joe had their little spat while Joe and Samantha continued to be the absolute worst, with Joe just sure that poor Juelia was about to go home, which was just fine with him.
Megan thought she was getting a rose from JJ, Amber was pretty sure she was getting a rose from Dan, and Ashley S, Juelia, and Clare were all preparing to pack up and leave.
Juelia managed to save herself by convincing Chris Harrison to bring Mikey back for a second chance, which delighted every single person (including us) except for Joe and Sam, but the surprises didn't end there.
JJ ended up giving his rose to our fave, Ashley S., in order to save her from elimination. He then explained in a weirdly and beautifully grandiose speech about how he had just broken up with a girl at home, and he wanted to go back to her.
Everything about JJ's exit was just perfection. There was even some patriotic music playing in the background, as if JJ were heading off to war or to save the world from aliens as opposed to just going back home to try and make things work with a girl. We actually wanted to clap when he was done, as everyone else hugged him and wished him the best, all while wondering how he managed to make having a girl back home sound adorable and romantic.
Dan then anticlimactically chose Amber, which is when Mikey was trotted out, and all was well in the world (unless you're Clare or Megan).
Up next, there was a new arrival in the form of Nick from Ashley's season of The Bachelorette, and he only had eyes for Samantha—because they had been talking beforehand, and planned to meet up in Paradise.
Oh Samantha, you silly, conniving goose.
Nick asked her out on a date immediately, but she said no in favor of Joe. So, Nick asked Ashley S as a back up, and they had a great time not understanding that they couldn't go to a private island because of a hurricane and subsequently just getting very drunk on tequila. By the end of their time together, Ashley drunkenly thought she and Nick had had the biggest connection on Bachelor in Paradise ever, with help from a bird who was apparently telling her to touch his genitals, and she remained our favorite person.
Back in Paradise, everything fell completely apart in the Joe and Samantha department. She started to get distant, which turned him desperate, and eventually he was putting together a birthday party for himself, complete with wine and a little cake that said "Happy Birthday Joe."
It was the saddest thing we've ever seen, but also the most hilarious, because this guy is the biggest douche to have ever nozzled. Sam eventually joined his little birthday bash, but only to break his heart. She tried to tell him she was basically dumping him due to all of the drama surround him, but we've got a hunch that it has to do with the fact that she realized he's a lunatic.
And it probably also doesn't hurt that there's another guy on the beach who also came there just for her, but we like to think it has more to do with Joe's descent into madness.
As she left, Joe took his cake off camera, and we imagine him sitting in the corner and eating it with his hands, crying into the frosting.
Elsewhere in paradise, Jade and Tanner had some sort of tear-filled talk about how they'll probably be together forever, or at least until after the show is over, and Jared "broke up" with Ashley I because, you know, she's obsessed with him and that's weird, and also because he's apparently still in love with Kaitlyn?
Maybe these two actually belong together in some weird way.
Ashley promptly lost her s--t and cried many, many tears. She tried to talk through them to no avail, but someone decided to play 90's medical drama music in the background and it was true television artistry.
Seriously, we'd like to applaud whoever edits and scores this show. Every week is a home run.
Bachelor in Paradise airs again tomorrow at 8 p.m. on ABC, but it might as well not even do that because tonight was a masterpiece that can never be matched.