The TV event of the year is finally almost here!
No, we're not talking about the Emmys, or the return of Fargo, or NBC's live production of The Wiz. We're obviously referring to Lifetime's Unauthorized Full House movie, the TV movie that will surely reveal all the juicy behind-the-scenes secrets we hadn't even realized we had asked for.
Everything we've seen of the soon-to-be-classic film has already been amazing(ly creepy), so we have no doubt that this movie will fulfill all of the dreams we ever had of an unauthorized Full House story. What we're not entirely sure of is how many of the many, many Full House trivia facts floating around the internet the movie will be able to fit into a measly two hours.
Here are the facts that we're pretty sure will make it into The Unauthorized Full House Story:
—The Olsen twins were chosen among all the twins who auditioned because they were the only ones who didn't cry. Apparently even as babies they were pulling some crazy hijinks though, because later, John Stamos momentarily got them fired because they cried so dang much.
—The show was originally going to be called House of Comics, with a more comedy-driven theme, before it was turned into the wholesome family show we all know and love.
—Uncle Jesse was originally named Uncle Adam, but Stamos rightly vetoed that name. His last name was also Cochran for the entire first season, before being changed to Katsopoulis to reflect Stamos' Greek heritage.
—In the unaired pilot, Danny was originally played by John Posey before Bob Saget took on the role. If the name Posey sounds familiar, that's because he's Tyler Posey's dad! He has even appeared in three episodes of Teen Wolf with his son.
—Comet the Dog and Air Bud, aka the dog who played sports in the 90s, are one in the same.
—The twins spent the first few seasons pretending they were not twins, so they were credited as Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen. They also spent a lot of time calling the cast members by their character names so they wouldn't get confused, which is completely adorable.
—Becky (Lori Laughlin) was only supposed to appear in six episodes, but she was so popular (and the show's only grown woman) that she ended up staying forever.
—Mary-Kate and Ashley almost quit after the first season to have a "normal" childhood, but Michelle was such a popular character that producers offered them (and their mom) a ton of money to stay.
—Joey's hockey obsession had a lot to do with Dave Coulier's hockey obsession, and Coulier was directly responsible for introducing Candace Cameron Bure to her eventual husband, hockey player Valeri Bure.
—All the grown-up actors swore a whole lot behind the scenes, kind of putting a damper on the wholesome, family-friendly vibe of the series.
—There was a possibility of a ninth season, but Stamos and Cameron Bure were both not interested, so the show came to an end after eight seasons. How rude!
ABC Photo Archives/Getty Images/Lifetime
—During the show's run in 1992, Coulier was dating Alanis Morissette, and legend has it that she wrote "You Oughta Know" about him. He has since said that might not be totally true, but our poor, poor brains may never be able to get rid of the image of Uncle Joey receiving oral sex in a theater.
Other fun facts that we hope will be in the movie, because we want an explanation:
—Apparently Stamos wanted to make a Full House movie in 2009, which is fine, but it's his dream casting that's the best part: James Franco as Jesse, Steve Carell as Danny, and Tracy Morgan as Joey. We would pay a lot of money to see that, but also to never see that.
—Steve (Scott Weinger) appeared on the show as two characters, both named Steve, but one was named Steve Peters and one was named Steve Hale, and nothing makes sense.
—What the hell was wrong with the staircases in that house? Both the kitchen stairs and the front entry stairs appeared to arrive at the same landing upstairs. Was the Tanner house actually Hogwarts?!
—How many siblings does Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) actually have? Sometimes she says she has three sisters, and sometimes it's just one brother named Garth. Continuity was apparently not such a big concern in the '80s and '90s.
—Is the Tanner house a strange form of purgatory? Was the whole show all in Danny's imagination after he went crazy from losing his entire family in a car accident? Does Michelle really exist? Is Joey the girls' real father?! Sure, these are all fan theories, but if they don't get addressed here, we'll just have to hope for some clarity when Fuller House hits Netflix in 2016.
Whatever random bits of info end up making it into the movie, we're sure it will be incredible/horrifying. We've even started to genuinely look forward to it in an intense and unexpected way that makes us slightly worried for ourselves. You may actually need to send help (but not until after the movie ends).
Lifetime's Unauthorized Full House Story is set to air on Saturday, Aug. 22 at 8 p.m.