If you truly want to interpret a celebrity feud, leave it to the devoted fans of the parties in question.
Calvin Harris lost no time today in defending Taylor Swift's honor when Zayn Malik decided that an otherwise uneventful Monday was a good time to critique Taylor's stance on streaming royalties. If that's what he was indeed doing.
The One Direction heartthrob turned solo heartthrob started the whole thing by retweeting someone else's comparison between Taylor's artists-should-be-paid-always position and what can be interpreted as Miley Cyrus' more relaxed, free-the-music approach, and after Calvin spoke up in defense of Taylor (without naming names), things quickly escalated.
But while there was plenty of gushing about Calvin going to bat for Taylor, because that's what good boyfriends do, we've re-learned one thing.
You do not get into a Twitter war with either a current or former member of One Direction and expect a win in the court of tweeted opinion.
Sure enough, the Zayniacs were not having it.
Taylor's got some of the most devoted fans around, and therefore there are plenty of people out there who now think Calvin Harris is the greatest man ever, but taking the high road didn't help the producer-DJ in this particular case and, despite being kind of a jerk about the whole thing, Zayn totally won the by-proxy Twitter war.
Here's a sampling of the stones, arrows and mud that was flying in both directions, along with the mild hysteria caused when Zayn's former group mate Louis Tomlinson started following Pringles chips amid all the hubbub:
Calvin and Zayn lose their chill Meanwhile Louis: *follows Pringles* Louis is me, same pic.twitter.com/7XFiZw77R9— ?M? (@lookatnialler) August 17, 2015
louis? followed pringles bc he need food while watching calvin and zayn drama.— N J H (@itscelinab) August 17, 2015
The Zayn Malik/Calvin Harris feud will be remembered as history's most vicious fight between people who get haircuts every three days.— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) August 17, 2015
HAHAHA CALVIN THINKS HE CAN DRAG ZAYN UM— e (@wesideharry) August 17, 2015
RT for Zayn fave for Calvin pic.twitter.com/OfTgUsUOGh— katie smith (@katieeloouise) August 17, 2015
Zayn: -100 grammys -all the fans -loved -cuts his own sleeves Calvin: -Klein— fareeda (@zaynsrnb) August 17, 2015
*waiting for miley to come online and slay Calvin*— azita (@biebernsex) August 17, 2015
'why is Calvin defending his girlfriend? she's going to write a song about him in a couple months' pic.twitter.com/QZKINWhWV6— jessica. (@JessiDio) August 17, 2015
God damn Calvin and Taylor to hell for wanting to get paid for their work? Right. I'm losing faith in this world— Lauren Lavoie (@LittleRedCactus) August 17, 2015
I have gained so much respect for calvin— ms. salvatore (@PlCTURESTOBURN) August 17, 2015
Anyone defending Calvin can unfollow me because Zayn isn't the one in the wrong— m loves h (@coco_zarry) August 17, 2015
calvin: *tries to drag zayn* zayn: what did u say calvin: nothing im just a really big fan mate ur voice is beautiful collab?— Madison Dinh (@madisondinh) August 17, 2015
calvin is trending number one worldwide because of ZAYN hahahah— mine (@zapboyzjm) August 17, 2015
"mum I want two pet rats" *gets pet rats* "what you gonna call them" "calvin" "but theres two" "I know" "so whats the other called" "calvin"— alex (@polourised) August 17, 2015
here's my opinion on the calvin vs zayn drama no hate please pic.twitter.com/VkNKEWz2em— gøth elizabeth (@vodkaxzouis) August 17, 2015
"Calvin was defending his girlfriend" "He's the bigger man" pic.twitter.com/lMFRO6s2P1— ? (@Harrystyleslaw) August 17, 2015
haterz gonna hate hate hate hate hate calvin's gonna slay slay slay slay slay— sky. (@shadesoflouie) August 17, 2015
probably twitter banned zayn from trending like they did to "harry" "justin" and "one direction" thats why only calvin is trending— ???????? (@zquadonfleek) August 17, 2015
yall when zayn defending himself against calvin: how immature of him what a douche if louis did it:omg drag that ugly trash love you boo xx— ?? (@lNKEDHAROLD) August 17, 2015
I don't see Calvin as been afraid of Zayn. I see it as Calvin trying to be the bigger person. I don't understand why this was mixed up.— lizzie (@meow4meredith) August 17, 2015
*zayn and calvin drama* Louis: *comes online* *follows Pringles on Twitter*— katie smith (@katieeloouise) August 17, 2015
louis prolly grabbed his supply of pringles whilst watching the zayn vs calvin drama fam this sounds like something louis would do igtg— ???? (@iWizardStyles) August 17, 2015
Friendly reminder: Calvin follows Zayn pic.twitter.com/RVgdF8gGkN— ? (@liveloveharolds) August 17, 2015
Me waiting for Miley to come online and drag Calvin pic.twitter.com/JtLhNBBA9U— ? (@weloveknowles) August 17, 2015
Miley & Zayn vs Taylor & Calvin at the VMA'S https://t.co/JdhLhf18LC— ? ? (@MileysKoi) August 17, 2015
Tbh if Calvin didn't like the tweet which zayn rted, he shouldn't have mentioned him whilst saying what he did. That's what made zayn blow— zayn malik ? (@zjmskaterkid) August 17, 2015
I don't care about the Calvin and Zayn feud because I believe it's immature that two grown adults communicate like this over Twitter +— Please Harry x (@thantophobiaaa) August 17, 2015
If Calvin wasnt coming for Zayn personally he shouldnt have mentioned him in the tweet bc thats what lead zayn to believe he was trying it— ? (@bieberhails) August 17, 2015
Calvin Harris talking to twitter directioners like pic.twitter.com/6NzB4ciJhu— PopCulture Facts (@PopCultureShade) August 17, 2015
why did calvin attack zayn when all zayn was doing was agreeing with miley that music should be free and affordable— ????? (@UnbotheredByYou) August 17, 2015
Reality: Zayn retweeted a tweet about money greed in the music industry & Calvin started drama even though he's not involved in any way— tatiana loves zayn (@floralzaynie) August 17, 2015
@Nihyall Zayn was retweeting it simply because music isn't about money because of his love for music— ? (@tmfhes) August 17, 2015
@Nihyall I think Calvin handled it very well at the end. But in the beginning he could've just not tweeted about it— ? (@tmfhes) August 17, 2015
One point for common sense.