Oh Kardashley in Paradise, how we have missed you.
Wait, is that not what the show is called? Is this not a reality show all about the exploits of Ashley I. as she attempts to find a man with whom to lose her virginity? Is there really another point to this venture?
Of course, we know that it's called Bachelor in Paradise, and that it is our favorite show with "Bachelor" in the title. It's just so fun, and so ridiculous, and so well edited.
It's also well cast, because this season is off to an amazing start already. Just in the first episode, there was a wedding, a mysterious medical emergency, a love triangle/pentagon, more priceless interactions between a girl and some animals, and enough tears to solve the California drought.
It was truly a night we will never forget, until tomorrow night, when another new episode airs. We will have Bachelor in Paradise coming out of every orifice, and we will like it whether we want to or not.
Anyway, the first big shocker of the night involved the fact that Ashley I.—also known as the Kardashian-wannabe virgin from Chris Soules' season—brought her younger and more sexually experienced sister Lauren to paradise with her, even while she fully knew they would be competing for the same men.
Lauren (ruining our name for all of us) deemed herself a "here for the wrong reasons" person, and spent most of her time being flirted with by Desiree Hartsock-reject Mikey T. while also trying to cobble together some self-confidence for her older sister.
Lauren also doesn't get to "compete" on the show as her own person, and neither does Ashley. Chris Harrison announced that the sisters were a package deal. If one got a rose, they would both stay. We actually thought that drama would be shortlived, since Lauren had a bit of a breakdown, claiming she hated people and wanted to leave, but she was still in paradise by the end of the night.
Throughout the premiere, Ashley fell for Jared. Jared—along with all the other guys—fell for Jade. Jade kinda fell for Jared, but she also fell for Tanner, and we also fell for Tanner after an intro involving cats and him dressing up as Kaitlyn. Carly fell for Kirk, and Kirk might have fallen for Carly back. Ashley S. fell for some birds, and we fell right back in love with Ashley S.
So, if you're keeping track, we love both Tanner and Ashley S, and both Ashley I and Jared are well on their way to having their hearts broken yet again.
As for that mysterious medical emergency, it's truly very mysterious. Ashley S. was carted off in an ambulance at one point with no explanation, followed by Dan, who we totally forgot was there until he jumped into that ambulance. Neither was seen or heard from again. We would hope it stayed that way just for mystery's sake, but we actually love Ashley S. too much for that to be acceptable. We would gladly give up an episode of Kardashley tears to watch two hours of Ashley S.'s ambulance exploits.
The end of the night brought another fun surprise by the name of Clare Crawley. She also appeared on season one of Bachelor in Paradise, during which she made friends with a raccoon. Now she's back, and of course she's got her eye on all of the guys who already have eyes on them.
It's going to be an interesting rest of the summer, to say the least.