Thanks to Donald Trump, David Letterman has come out of retirement.
Less than two months after he left CBS' The Late Show, Letterman appeared onstage in San Antonio, Texas, Friday with Steve Martin and Martin Short, who are touring with their stage show, A Very Stupid Conversation…With Music. "Back in Hollywood, we met at a Scientology mixer," Letterman, 68, told the crowd, "and they have been so kind and so generous to invite me here to this beautiful city."
"I am so happy to be out of the house," a bearded Letterman admitted. "I retired and I had no regrets—none. I was happy. I was complacent. I was satisfied. I was content. And then a couple of days ago, Donald Trump said he was running for president. I have made the biggest mistake of my life, ladies and gentlemen."
Pulling a paper out of his jacket, he said, "Every suit I own comes with a Top 10 list."
"A lot of people think we would know everything by now about a man, Donald Trump, a high profile fellow, somebody who doesn't shy away from every aspect of his life," Letterman said as his two friends laughed beside him on stage. "But take a look at the list I have here tonight: Interesting Facts About Donald Trump."
"No. 10: That thing on his head was the gopher in Caddyshack."
"No. 9: During sex, Donald Trump calls out his own name."
"No. 8: Donald Trump looks like the guy on the lifeboat with the women and children."
"No. 7: He wants to build a wall? How about building a wall around that thing on his head?"
"No. 6: Trump walked away from a moderately successful television show for some delusional bulls--t...oh no, wait—that's me."
"No. 5: Donald Trump weighs 240 pounds—250 with cologne."
"No. 4: Trump would like all Americans to know that thing on his head is free range."
"No. 3 (tie): If president, instead of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving, he plans to evict the family on Thanksgiving."
"No. 3 (tie). That's not a hairdo, it's a wind advisory."
"No. 2. Donald Trump has pissed off so many Mexicans, he's starring in a new movie entitled No Amigos."
"No. 1: Thanks to Donald Trump, the Republican mascot is also an ass."
Trump has yet to comment on Letterman's set.