David M. Benett/Getty Images
David M. Benett/Getty Images
Apparently today is International Beer Day! Sometimes we think social media makes up these holidays just to have an excuse to get drunk before 3 p.m. without judgment. But hey, we'll allow it.
If you are celebrating with your favorite beverage, be it a fancy IPA in a pint glass or a cheap can of Bud Light that's shoved into a koozie that looks like a t-shirt, then more likely than not you will get a little (or a lot) tipsy. So we wanted to run down the list of lies that every drunk person tells themselves at least once in their life, though a lot of you will find you say every one of these things in your head all in one night.
1. "I will look good dancing to this song. Like Beyoncé. So I should definitely get in the middle of the dance floor and cause a scene."
2. "He's cute."
3. "We all look soooo good in this picture. People on social media need to see it now."
4. "I'll leave after this drink."
5. "I'll leave after this song."
6. "I have the patience to wait in the long bathroom line and I totally will not abandon it to pee outside in the alley."
7. "This guy who texted me at 2 a.m. definitely likes me for my personality and has no ulterior motives."
8. "More shots? That's a damn good idea."
9. "People are totally going to want my night to be highlighted via Snapchat."
10. "I won't lose my phone/purse/keys/wallet/dignity tonight."
11. "Let's go to Taco Bell. These calories won't count if we don't remember ingesting them."
12. "The cab/Uber driver definitely wants to hear my thoughts on Taylor Swift's personal life."
13. "I should take up smoking!"
14. "I won't spill this drink on myself if I bring it with me to the dance floor. Nor will I drop it on the ground, shattering it into tiny shards of dangerous glass."
15. "My diction is clear and unslurred because of the extra care I go into enuncipating, er, ciating my words."
16. "I am in the right in this argument and I shall make my point eloquently and I won't use the term 'eat a bag of d--ks' if I get a little heated."
17. "I'm not using enough hashtags in this tweet."
18. "I got into my apartment and my bedroom as quiet as a ninja cat and I for sure didn't wake up my roommate who has to get up early for class/work."
19. "That girl/guy who nodded at me when I said 'excuse me' at the bar is definitely my soul mate. I should tell them so."
20. "This story I'm telling is incredibly riveting. I shall speak louder so more people hear."
21. "If I just fall asleep in the bathtub my back won't hurt like the burning fires of hell tomorrow morning."
22. "Mixing beer and liquor will not lead to me dry heaving tomorrow."
23. "The person I have a crush on will like me back if I cry to them about our future children. That will be sexy and not at all troubling to them."
24. "My views on film, politics and relationships are improved and honed by increased alcohol."
25. "Starting my drinking at noon was the best idea since bacon."
26. "No one sees me as I secretly plot to drink the last beer/eat the last slice/hit on the one single person."
27. "I don't think enough people know how much I love this song. I should scream it again."
28. "A ponytail on a man isn't creepy! It's innovative."
29. "I am totally going to start drinking some water now."
30. "I just twisted my ankle on the curb but it didn't hurt which means it won't be bruised and throbbing tomorrow."
31. "I need to take my pants off and jump into a snow drift right now and every second I'm not doing that is another second I'm too upset to listen to reason."
32. "The DJ definitely wants me to go over there and tell him what to play. He'll think I'm helpful."
33. "My ex probably wants to get a text from me right now. 1 a.m. is the best time to talk about what went wrong with our relationship."
34. "No one at this party knows I vomited in the bathroom just now."
35. "Oh, and Tic-Tacs will totally cover up the smell of vomit on my breath."
36. "I can definitely clear that fire hydrant."
37. "My friend trying to take me home before I get up on the bar and dance is Captain Fun Hater and I should just run from them with the grace of a full-grown gazelle."
38. "I'm absolutely not running like a newborn baby gazelle right now."
39. "I'm never drinking again."
40. "I will remember every second of this night in the morning."
Be safe out there, kids! Drink responsibly and remember: yes, everyone can see you puking in the alley behind the bar and no, texting that person the eggplant emoji with the wink face is not a good idea.