Dear Divorced From Reality:
Absolutely nothing is below Cruella, T. Didn't you figure that out from yesterday's Vice?
Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have announced they got married in secret—what's going on? Why the rush? How long are you going to give it?
Dear Hitch Odds:
Two years, max.
Keeping busy here in N.Y., training rescue dogs to be companion/service animals for disabled veterans. Got started watching Bones on TV a few months ago, but am more riveted by the antics of David Boreanaz offscreen. Pups and I are dying to know, what B.V. is he? What gives with that guy? Thanks for helping the critters by spreading the word about the beauty of animal rescue!
Dear Bone Head:
Are you sick of all these D-bags getting in trouble for sexting? C'mon, fellas, stop being ecreeps and keep your Tweets to yourself. It's so very middle school, if you ask me. As for this loser's Vice, it had to do with a lot of stuff that has already come to light, and then some even dirtier details that he's (somehow) managed to keep secret.
Did Tobey Yum-Yum only hook up with Me-Me Dallas and Darla Jones, or have his sheets been rumpled by any other lucky lady?
Dear Between the Sheets:
No one we care about, doll. Does that answer your question?
I am very curious about Nevis Divine's other halves. What is the relationship between his beard and Barrington Bang-Me? Do they know each other, like each other or even better, do the beard and BBM "like like" each other (if you know what I mean)?
Dear Bang-Me Bestie:
They know each other, sure, Nevis keeps a close circle. But don't get things twisted, Kay, BBM and Nev's lady friend aren't getting it on behind Nev's back—they're both far too into the bisexual superstar.
I've been having very vivid and real dreams about Jackie Bouffant, or at least who I believe Jackie to be (hot ones too!). What has he been up to lately? Is he still taking ecstasy? I hope he doesn't mess up his career as he seems like a talented and decent guy.
Dear X Marks the Spot:
Jackie isn't exactly an addict; he just likes to loosen up from time to time. And I guess the dude doesn't think he can do it without going to the X-treme. Don't worry, though, he's not the type to ever mess up his perfect career with a nasty drug scandal. He's far more about the day job these days.
It's my birthday this weekend and I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to answer a question for me as a present. I'm a huge fan of The Big Bang Theory and I was wondering if any of the leads were Blind Vice offenders. My furry rescue pup Cooper sends his regards!
Dear Birthday Bummer:
Happy B-day, but sadly I can't give you or Coop a juicy present. That cast is as Viceless as they come. Better switch over to ABC if you want some behind-the-scenes drama. And why the hell didn't you ask about a movie like The Hangover, if you really wanted a good prezzie?
Was Brad Pitt's god-awful beard, whose origin launched a thousand tabloid stories guessing why the Sexiest Man Alive would grow it, real purpose to cover up some recent work?
Dear Quick Fix:
Wrong half of that couple, at least as far as body issues go.
I'm so glad someone brought up the idea of Eminem and Rihanna. Love it. My rescued Dalmatian, Rikka, is wondering what's the latest buzz on Em's love life. Any more Mariah-like scandals?
Dear Date Already!
I'm so totally bummed that Ri-Ri seems to be going pretty strong with her baseball playing BF. Oh well, maybe in the future because Em and Rihanna—neither a stranger to the tabloids, mind you—are perfect for each other. As for Em, he's playing his love life very low-key, which is a relief when it comes to the often-love troubled dude.
I'm a proud new mom to the cutest shelter pup you've ever seen. We got him from a great place where the staff works their butts off to keep get the animals healthy, happy and placed with loving, responsible families. Rather than get a B.V. clue, can I get a shout-out for the Santa Fe Humane Society? C'mon readers, please give generously! Kisses and Licks.
Dear Hairy Love:
Of course, J, and smooches to your new pup. But you're sure you don't want any Vice clues? Not even about naughty Nevis Divine? Well if you insist, I guess I'll keep the yummy stuff to myself.
Should we give up all hope of R.Pattz ever hosting SNL? I'm still crossing my fingers, and they're starting to hurt.
Dear Live From New York:
How about this, Rach: Don't expect it, because let's be honest, Rob isn't really one for live skits (as I'm sure you could tell), and which his "people" have strongly intimated to me. But if he someday happens to end up doing the late-night gig, you'll be totally surprised! Then you can give your poor fingers a rest.
If Moisty Mohr were to take a gander at the spinning ballerina, would he see her circling left or right? Also, who is the eldest member of the Vice squad?
Dear Side to Side:
Uh, whichever way indicated the horny side of your brain. Because M.M.—who is in the senior-citizens club when it comes to Vices—would only imagine banging that poor, poor ballerina.
What's with the Robsten breakup rumors. Are they true? Or is it just because Rob is working in L.A. and Kristen is in Montreal. The rumor is that he broke up with Kristen because of advice from Reese. Now there is a relationship expert for you! Do you think it's a publicity stunt by Summit?
Dear Witherspooning Out Advice:
Hey, at least I've got to give this one props for making me laugh. Where do people come up with this garbage?