Bitch-Back! Penélope and Javier Too Hot to Handle?

Readers wonder if the caliente couple is the real deal

Dear Ted:
Please give us some info on those happy newlyweds Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem. Are they the real deal or the Spanish version of a fauxmance? On their own, both actors are hot, but together they don't seem to sizzle. Personally, I think Javier should be with me!
—Loves Spanish Men

Dear Viva La Bardems!:
Sorry, doll, but no salacious goss on this saucy couple, not since Penélope had her near-miss with Tom Cruise, whew! The reason you aren't feeling the heat from the newlyweds is because, like their entire relaysh, they're keeping their marriage low-key Kind of refreshing, very ScarJo-Ryan Reynolds (only for real), don't you think?

Dear Ted:
I was watching E! News and they were showing pictures of Jessica Simpson and her new man in Rome celebrating her 30th birthday. Maybe I am completely wrong but she looks to be sporting a preggo figure. His divorce isn't final yet so if she is could that be why reports aren't out yet?
—K

Dear Baby on Board?:
Ouch—no bun in the oven for Jess, yet. She's just got a healthy body, and for that I say kudos. So sick of this gal getting bashed in the tabloids for actually, ya know, eating. I wish more ladies in T-town would follow suit.

Dear Ted:
Do Kristen Stewart, Rob Pattinson and Tom Sturridge have a polyamorous relationship? Do they see other people outside said relationship or are they exclusive to each other only?
—C

Dear Three's Company:
Yes. Rob and Kris broke up and now K.Stew is swapping spit in the club with her new BF (who just so happens to be Rob's BFF) while Rob is poolside banging every bikini babe he can find. That's what's in the tabloids, so it has to be true, right?

Dear Ted:
I just heard that Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are both going to appear at Comic-Con. Since it has been forever since they have done U.S. publicity to sell Supernatural, do you think their recent marriages have anything to do with The CW finally pushing these two hot guys out onto the publicity trail again?
—Superfan

Dear Where's The Wife:
Oh, please, the real question is, do you think Danneel will tag along on the bromantic Comic-Con weekend?

Dear Ted:
I have been an avid reader of your column for years, yet can't help but think lately that something is off with your reporting. I know that for as long as the Toothy saga has been going on, it must be hard to keep track of everything you have written on the subject, but I don't understand how Baby Tile can even exist. Especially in light of the fact that both TT and Grey Goose are back in the darkest recesses of their respective closest. Are there grandparents that take care of this child? Are Toothy and Grey even in the child's life to a significant degree? How on earth does this unusual arrangement work?
—LC

Dear You Must Be Joking:
That's like saying no marriage contracts or secret affairs or drug habits exist in this town. Darling, stars have their secrets, especially when they want more than anything to protect them. Case in point: Toothy's kid.

Dear Ted:
Seeing the video of Alexander Skarsgård only helped cement this fact in my head...he is so much hotter and more doable as Eric rather than as himself. In fact, he is pretty much fantasy-worthy and the hottest vamp around as the sexy Eric. The opposite is true of Robert Pattinson. As Edward he is just kinda OK, but as himself he is way hotter. I wonder how you feel about these guys and their alter egos?
—Shana

Dear Fang Banger:
Agree on both, babe. 'Tho, I was totally not feeling A.Skars' sexy Eric during the first season but the rest of Team Awful kept assuring me that he got mucho more delicious in the second season (and he did). As for R.Pattz, he would look so much sexier as Edward if they just got a new make-up artists. But that's true for all the Twi characters.

Dear Ted:
I'm from Argentina and early this morning something amazing happened: a bill was passed and it's now gay marriage is legal. I'm not gay, but I'm certainly pleased with the outcome. Though I wasn't personally involved with it, be kind to me for simply being Argentinean and let me know which shows have the best and worst off-screen chemistry: Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, or True Blood? Thanks!
—PLS

Dear Legalize It:
Congrats to your fine country! Now if only some of these stupid American states (I'm looking at you, California) would get with the program. And since that puts me in such a good mood, I'll let you know that of the three True Blood definitely has the best costar chemistry. As for the worst, it's a toss up between the other two. Can you say stupid drama?

Dear Ted:
Does Barrington Bang-Me have a girlfriend and/or beard? Or is he not in the closet? Do you find him bangable? Does Hollywood?
—Gal

Dear Closet Case:
BBM is definitely not out, but he's not as concerned about his sexuality as some of these other D.L. fellows. As in, he doesn't feel the need to have a chick by his side at all times to prove how straight he is. And yes, I do find the dude quite dapper.

Dear Ted:
Lauren Conrad. I know no one is completely clean, but this girl seems pretty squeaky for Hollywood standards. Is there anything in her closet at all?
—Hills-a-holic

Dear LC Lowdown:
Lauren keeps her drama pretty PG (actually, totally snoozably, to be honest), at least compared to some of her Hills costars, who leave the really juicy stuff for off camera.

Dear Ted:
Not limiting myself to dog and cat rescue I am now mother to a two-week-old lamb found alone in the middle of a field in the middle of winter here in Australia, clearly abandoned by her mother and left to the hungry foxes out there. Little lamb, a girl, wants to know why you seem to be so disparaging of most Australian actresses. She thinks they are OK. But she is new to the world.
—Farmgirl

Dear Awesome Aussie:
Love the Down Under dames, but just like any other country, there are some stars I like and some who get my boomerang all twisted. For every Cate Blanchett there's a Nicole Kidman.

Dear Ted:
So, now that Miley is out of Disney and Selena just announced that she'll be leaving the channel as well. Can Disney survive without their two biggest stars? Or can the "Eternal Disney Boys" AKA The Jonas Brothers and Demi "Fifth Jonas" Lovato save the day? What will Disney do without the Queen and Princess of the Mickey Mouse Club?
—Taylor

Dear Empty Mouse House:
I'm so shocked that Selena is taking cue's from Miley and ditching her Disney digs. If you can't tell that's just dripping with sarcasm then you also probably believe that the head honchos over at Mickey's channel aren't at all nervous about life post-Cyrus. But hey, if that company is good at one thing it's pumping out pint-sized super stars.

Dear Ted:
Wouldn't it interesting to be a fly on the wall if Elin Woods and Robyn Gibson ever sat down for a chat? Neither has said a word about their situations. What class acts.
—Momma

Dear Quite Quiet:
Classy, yes, but also well paid? Hell yeah.

Dear Ted:
You have officially made me crazy with a B.V. I must know more about the Lost B.V. I am a major super fan and have gone into serious withdrawals without the show. So, help a girl out and dish some more; it isn't Josh Holloway is it? Oh, and my rescue kitty, Zoe and her baby Ray-Ray, want to know, too. I rescued her from a bad situation then found out she was preggers! Happily, I found four homes for her other kittens and kept one for a companion for my sweet girl kitty.
—Lyn

Dear Castaway:
Just because you've given a home to two tres cutely named kitties will I tell you that no, Josh has never been naughty enough to earn himself a Blind Vice moniker. He looks good dirty, sure, but instead the fellow is pretty clean. Think more clean-cut on the Lost nefarious stuff and you'll be much warmer.

Dear Ted:
One knows is beyond pathetic when the tabloid try desperately to paint Jennifer Aniston as a homewrecker. This guy is divorced and they already denied any involvement. Why are tabloids trying to make this into one big non-scandal? They are acting like she had an affair with him, besides we all know who the real homewreckers are.
—Pref

Dear Headline Schmedline:
I'll give you a hint, P: money. If a tab can peg good-girl Jen with her hands on some other lady's man, they've got the hottest headline of the year. Too bad for them then that Jen won't fuel their fire, she's above that, trust.

Dear Ted:
You hinted at Mark Salling and Cory Monteith possibly being future B.V. Come on give us some scoop! What are their dirty deeds. Specifically Mark!
—Former Glee Fan

Dear Smear Campaign:
These two dudes are the hottest stars of one of pop culture's biggest phenomena and having Hollywood absolutely eating out of their hands. But it's only a matter of time before Marky and baby-faced Cory find out how naughty T-town can be. Minutes, actually. And with the usual stuff, too: mattress activities.

Dear Ted:
Would you call Secretia Ohio desperate?
—S

Dear O-Hell No-o:
For attention, yes. Secretia has never met a camera she didn't like. For sex? Oh no, no, no.