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A-Team, Bradley Cooper, Karate Kid, Jaden Smith

Doug Curran/Twentieth Century Fox; Jasin Boland/Sony Pictures

Congratulations, A-Team. Good for you, Karate Kid. Now enough.

Not every 1980s TV show and movie is begging for, or even worthy of, an update. (See: the Jamie Foxx-Colin Farrell Miami Vice—no, wait, don't see it.)

For the love of Bill Cosby, the following franchises should not be revived, much less disturbed in their acid-washed tombs:

Crocodile Dundee: The big-screen comedies hinged on Paul Hogan's charm, plus the fact that in the sophisticated 1980s, Australian accents were hilarious. (Oh, the laughs we had with JackoOy!) Memo to Hollywood: We've moved on. Hogan's moved on. Australian accents are now only mildly amusing.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: When asked by Cinematical if he'd be up for a cameo in the event of a remake of this 1986 John Hughes classic, Matthew Broderick gave the only sensible response: "I probably wouldn't enjoy that." For the record, neither would we probably. And the same goes for any bright idea involving a fortysomething Ferris. Or any truly scary idea involving the fortysomething Cameron.

ALF: No. Just no.

Magnum, P.I.: If we're keeping it real, Thomas Magnum was an appealing character, but we don't trust Hollywood to keep it real—or to look past the mustache. So, instead of a charming detective story, we'd get another Starsky & Hutch with 1980s jokes swapped in for the 1970s gags. And if we're keeping it real some more, we saw didn't see that this movie this summer. It was called Macgruber.

The Cosby Show: We don't want an all-new, all-little Rudy. We don't want the Huxtables ruined by a Sex and the City 2-sized budget, and flown to Abu Dhabi to lip-sync Ray Charles. Most of all, we don't want Bill Cosby's sweaters in IMAX. Or 3-D.     

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The A-Team and The Karate Kid are not only revived, their casts are living large in our Movie Premiere Pandemonium! photo gallery.