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Jake Gyllenhaal, Prince of Persia

Andrew Cooper; SMPSP/Disney Enterprises and Jerry Bruckheimer

Dear Ted:
I really had no idea who Jake Gyllenhaal was until I started reading your blolumn. So, in a way, it's totally your fault I went to see Prince of Persia...and I don't regret it. Jake turned in a standout performance. That this $200 million film could not have bought a better script, better direction, a decent score and a better leading lady (could there have been less chemistry between Jake and Gemma Arterton?) is what is truly disappointing. Jake evoked a young Harrison Ford, but not even that adventure star could have pulled off this muddled video-game adaptation. So yeah, regarding your Morning Piss, PoP kinda blows, but not because of Jake.

Dear Action Jake!
Sorta disagree, babe. Think you've got to put some of the blame on the leading hunk. Sure, he looked good (minus the awful wig), but chemistry is a two-person deal, and Jake's acting was dull, dull, dull. He's better at comedy or emotional stuff, not mindless fluff—and that's a compliment.

Dear Ted:
I started thinking about what that sweetie B.V. Roxy Couture was up to these days. Are she and her hubby still together, or are they parting ways? I know that in most cases her well-meaning advice would be appropriate, but with some of the Hollywood tales out there, it would be hard to turn a blind eye once you found out the truth.

Dear Splitsville?
Roxy and her dude are definitely still together, so either the chic chick hasn't figured out her horny hubby's ways (which we can totally believe, as she'd just love to think her man is monogamous), or she knows and is just burying herself in work.

Dear Ted:
Could you please give me some more clues as to the identity of Dougy Dry-Hump? I'm totally stumped. Is the guy an actor, musician, athlete or none of the above?

Dear Job Hunt:
DDH is an actor—a pretty good one, too.

Dear Ted:
Maybe, just maybe, I think I figured out Moisty Mohr. Is it Al Roker?

Dear Keep Guessing:
Sorry, Erika, but Moisty ain't Al. By the way, I actually contacted Moisty to ask him if he'd mind us revealing his dressing-room antics (you would not believe how much nooky this guy gets, still). He begged us not to. Fine, whatever. Funny that somebody who lives in Las Vegas of all places could be so squeamish!

Dear Ted:
Has Tipper Gore ever been a B.V.?

Dear President of Vices:
Nope, but at least one of her political peers has. Can you guess who?

Dear Ted:
With Twilight promotions coming up, can you let me know if Rocky Trailer and TTT are up to anything naughty? Will their secrets be revealed?

Dear Twi-Tastic:
No and yes! Surprisingly, Rocky's seen how much the spotlight can sometimes burn his fellow Twi actors, and he's been unusually shy, as of late. Totally unlike T. Tush-Trade, who's more rebellious and daring than ever!

Dear Ted:
People think they have your Blinds solved, but somethin' isn't right...So tell me, just between you, me and my three legged-rescue dog, Tres, is Alexander Skarsgard also known as Crescent Kumquat?

Dear Be Original:
Good guess, but Cres isn't as comfortable talking about sexuality as Skars. Like, way less comfortable. And what a cute name for your sweet pooch!

Dear Ted:
I honestly want to know why people are obsessed with Robert and Kristen when we never see pictures of them together doing normal celeb-couple activities like eating lunch, walking in the park, going on an expensive vacation in an exotic location or walking the red carpet like Brangelina or TomKat. What's with all the hype if visually we can't see them?

Dear the Point:
Duh, the reason people are so obsessed is because we don't see them out and about. Keeps the mystery alive—and people wanting so much more. Brills on their part.

Dear Ted:
I just heard Taylor and Kristen are sharing a presidential suite together in Korea. WTF is going on there? Zoo, boat ride, feeding sharks, pub, presidential suite...Are we sure it's a promo tour and not a vacation for a couple?

Dear Room for Two:
Nothing but work going on, of that I am positive. You should be, too.

Dear Ted:
There are pictures of George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis on a motorcycle. Hasn't he dumped her yet? What is going on? Is he getting serious with her? Do you know something we don't know? Please, enlighten us.

Dear Hop On:
So now every time I hop on a motorcycle (which is, uh, rarely), I have to be worried that I'm going to be engaged to that dude? No, Pat, the two are having fun. Which is what George does best.

Dear Ted:
Have you seen the shirtless pictures of Jeremy Piven in Malibu? His chest and abs sure don't look natural. How much work has he had done? Is that one of his B.V.'s? Maybe they used his chest hair to fill out the top of his head and they siliconed the rest?

Dear Ew:
Why would anyone want to see Piven shirtless? But Jeremy likes his nasty habits in the nonsurgery variety.

Dear Ted:
Don't people like Toothy Tile have enough money to retire, raise their child and be authentic. Does he need the attention? Truth be told, T.T. has a better chance at being celebrated being who he is than with his current plan!

Dear More Money, More Problems:
It's not about the money, doll. Sure, Toothy's got plenty of dough, but he loves to act. And he thinks he won't be able to do the same work if everyone knows he's into guys.

Dear Ted:
What do you think are the chances Miley and Liam actually broke up? When there's smoke, there's usually fire. I was wondering why she was vacationing with her dad.

Dear Can't Be Tamed:
It's hard to keep up with Miley. And if you can't keep up, you're kicked to the curb. Remember, I never said this one would last...would be shocked if it went on much longer. Nick, get ready!

Dear Ted:
I always see you gushing about how much you love Niley, but I can never figure out why. They are complete opposites. Nick is a shy church boy, and Miley "can't be tamed." Explain.

Dear Duh:
Opposites attract—over and over and over.