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Jake Gyllenhaal, Prince of Persia

Andrew Cooper, SMPSP/ Disney Enterprises, Inc

Hate to say it, but we will: "Told you so!" We knew Prince of Persia was going to stink. We just didn't know how much. Biggest problem: Um, where the hell were the gratuitous shirtless scenes?

Jakey-poo's ripped bod was the movie's biggest selling point, right? Well, you might as well stare at one of the many leaked pics of his amazing abs for two hours, because they barely make a guest cameo in the flick (seriously, only one scene—we almost cried).

And that is why he did the movie, isn't it?

Prince of Persia was Jake's attempt at cementing a spot in T-town's leading men clique—you know, the H'wood hunks with big box-office paychecks, hot summer flicks, and sex appeal for days, a la Hugh Jackman, Robert Downey Jr.., and Johnny Depp.

And we have a sneaking suspicious Reese Witherspoon has something to do with this.

Though they may be splitsville, Jake seems to still be taking pointers from Reese. That would explain why he picked a lame movie role just to fix his public persona—you know, like Reese does in order to stay America's friggin Sweetheart.

Because he certainly didn't choose the Disney dud to show off his acting chops.

Jake's attempt at a British accent was unfortunate. As in, unfortunately, it was not never funny. Is that a double negative? Yeah, so was Persia. And a couple times we swear he slipped from his "British" accent back to his regular speaking voice.

From an actual Oscar nom to Oscar-worthy comedy. How the mighty have fallen—and it's a damn shame.

The guy is stellar in movies like Donnie Darko, Brokeback Mountain, Jarhead, The Good Girl—movies with, you know, emotion instead of franchise dolls. So listen up, Gyllenhaal: We hate to crush your dreams, but maybe you're just not a blockbuster guy?

And we say so what.

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