Bitch-Back! Emma and Taylor Sittin' in a Tree?

Readers craving the latest dish on Lautner and Bullock’s love lives

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Taylor Lautner and Emma Roberts hooking up? I think they're just adorable together. I think these two could give Robsten a run for their money. Don't you think?
—Cuddly

Dear Young and Restless:
Don't think that these two have anything more in common than being in Valentine's Day together, babe. Emma's been spotted out on the town with another man—guess T.Laut has yet to seal the deal!

Dear Ted:
What do you think gives you the right to write something so rude and disparaging about the Hiltons? Who do you think you are besides some creepy Fabio look-alike with a fake tan who lives through your criticisms of others (that really aren't that witty or clever anyway)? Have the Hiltons ever publicly said anything about you? I doubt it! That's just rude and uncalled for! And bringing Paris and Nicky's late grandmother into it, too? Wow that goes way beyond tacky and disrespectful. Your columns would be funnier if you stayed away from the personal attacks. They're just immature and sort of annoying. I doubt you read these things yourself anyway because you're so busy making snide remarks about others, but nevertheless, have a nice day.
—Milini

Dear Smiley Face:
You're Hilton loyalty should help land you a guest stint on Pare-Poo's My BFF show! For the record, yes, Paris and Kathy have both said things about me publicly, but nothing really nasty, kinda cute, actually. Also for the record, I dig Kath 'n' Pare, wouldn't write about them otherwise. Now, say you're sorry to Fabio.

Dear Ted:
Those pictures of Angelina Jolie on the balcony in Italy are scary. Knox looks like he weighs more than his mother. What is up with her? How can she make movies, take care of kids, order Brad around and set up all these staged photos all while looking like the wind can blow her over? Is she that insecure that she needs to be stick-thin and therefore doesn't eat, or is she on the "mystery diet" that so many woman in Hollywood seem to be on?
—ANC

Dear Curious:
That, my dear, is why we call it a "mystery diet"! We've heard about some of the requirements in that dietary regime—not sure it's something any mother would want her kids to know about. And one other thing that keeps Angie svelte is pretty obvious: the fact that we're discussing her right now. She feeds on it.

Dear Ted:
Why the hell are all these people slamming Miley for trying to get out and away from the Disney tween scene? She's trying to make a name for herself, and I don't get why people keep hating on her. She wants to grow up, and people keep trying to bring her down and keep her in that little kid, Disney bubble.
—Julie

Dear Mouseketeer:
Miley's trying to grow up gracefully, but she's no dummy—she's got Megan Fox syndrome. Her "provocative comments" are only gonna help The Last Song, I assure you. We love our Cyrus feisty. As I'm sure you do, too.

Dear Ted:
Since Rob and Kristen want to stay out of the spotlight so much, wouldn't it make more sense to tell the press that they are dating? That way the press would stop trying to catch a picture of them kissing and would back off. I'm not saying that the press would totally back off, but it would be a great start and they could go out in public and not be totally hassled. And maybe the press would stop asking them if they are dating if they just admit it! Doesn't it make more sense?
—Jake

Dear Sense:
It's lose-lose. Robsten would be harassed either way, darling. But it sure would be more fun your way!

Dear Ted:
Have you heard the terrible news!? Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up! I'm kinda sad because they look so cute together, but I'm sure I'll get over it. Who do you think they will date next?
—Crushed

Dear Moving On:
Each other. They always get back together.

Dear Ted:
Now that Taylor Lautner seems to have found himself a nice girlfriend in Emma Roberts, can we now finally dismiss the silly rumors that he is gay? I've had enough of the fans calling him gay just because he isn't as serious as Robert Pattinson. For the record, I think Taylor is 10 times the guy Rob is. No offense to Robert, but at least Taylor doesn't smoke or get drunk like him. Nor does he curse like a sailor like Kristen Stewart. He's got real class. He's the most underrated actor of the Twilight series, and it would be nice if people would show him more love and respect.
—C.M.

Dear Rumored:
Doubt Taylor cares about any of the speculation—he's gotta be happy that he's getting any press now that Robsten are such superstars.

Dear Ted:
I hear Taylor Swift has been in L.A. this week filming some sort of video, and I'm surprised that no sightings of her have been reported. I'm told she finishes up filming tomorrow (Wednesday) and John Mayer gets back to L.A. tomorrow and has a concert at Staples on Thursday night I think. Do you think they will pick back up what was started in January according to the tabloids, and/or will she stay over and show up at his concert as he did at hers last year?
—Update

Dear Know-It-All:
Well, Tay was spotted bowling in Studio City with pals like Corey Monteith. John Mayer may be pretty stupid sometimes, but we don't think he'd be stupid enough to date someone as young as Swift...publicly that is.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Jake Gyllenhaal can pass off as a bad boy? Do you see him being more of the romantic kind of guy? The little incident that just happened and made me so curious.
—Sandy

Dear Badass:
We thought Jake was awesome in the war drama Jarhead, which proves he has great range. The little incident you refer to may give him a little more street cred, though, you're right. We like a man who can hold his own!

Dear Ted:
Has the subject of a Blind Vice ever been the source for that same Blind Vice?
—Amanda

Dear Great Question:
Alas, no.

Dear Ted:
Did I fail to mention that I have a rescue kitty who loves your column as much as I do (will even send her picture if that helps) and that I volunteer regularly with a humane society in my hometown? Sorry. So, has Kristen Stewart ever been a Blind Vice? And I think it's great you're promoting rescue work. Have you seen Ellen DeGeneres' postage stamps coming out in April?
—Angie

Dear Obvious Answer:
But of course! At this rate, not sure which Twilight stars don't have B.V. monikers. Very few, Kristen not included.

Dear Ted:
I remember before the release of New Moon how excited you were for all the hearsay about how great the movie is. Fast-forward a few weeks later, after you went to see the movie yourself and you weren't so excited anymore; although, you did encourage us to go see it for the pleasure of Robsten viewing. New Moon was better than Twilight, much. And Eclipse will be even better. Summit as you have said before collects everything that has been printed/blogged in relation to their franchise and actors. They are working hard to get our money. As for Eclipse, if it is faithful to the book, then prepare yourselves: sexy scenes do abound, especially if I may call this a certain ménage à trois in a tent, followed by a crazyass-violent kiss between Bella and...?
—Rita

Dear Movie Mama:
Oh come on, those tent scenes are hardly steamy! They could have been sexed up so much more.

Dear Ted:
Is it possible Sandra knew about Jesse's affair but gushed about him anyway at the various award shows to make him feel really guilty and to make her more sympathetic and him more douchey once the news broke? She had to have her suspicions, so how could she be so profuse with her praise of him (so long as she had that ache in her gut) if it weren't just to screw with him? Am I jaded?
—Jennifer

Dear Thinker:
I take your conspiracy and raise you one Bombshell McGee. It was that skank's choice when to sell her story, not Sandra's. But more on this super soon.

Dear Ted:
Please stop reporting on K.Stew and R.Pattz. They suck and your column is really, really sucking! And you keep answering the same damn questions over and over! Most everyone if you read the comments is sick to death of the Twilight BS! Please, we need more general gossip. Who cares about Remember Me or The Runaways? Neither can act, and they will be over in a few years, but in the meantime you are losing valuable readers! PS, I adopted a turtle.
—Stop

Dear Anti-Twi:
Congrats on your new turtle.

Dear Ted:
How can you drop a bomb about our dear family Tile saying they are close to pulling a Bullock but not actually saying why? It's not fair. If you break our hearts, please tell us what is going on! I hope whatever it is, that Toothy and Grey Goose stay together.
—Mia

Dear Bumshell:
A Bullock could be any number of things, including thinking about busting up but not actually doing it, thought about that?

Dear Ted:
I'm totally obsessed with Jeremy Renner. I'm so happy his spike in popularity means I get to see him in more interviews and hopefully more roles. His talent has been lying low for long enough! Is he really as cool and funny as he seems?
—Erin

Dear Mr. Popular:
Totally!

Dear Ted:
Miley used to date Nick Jonas. Nick Jonas dated Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez had a "summer romance" with Taylor Lautner who had a very public relationship with Selena's BFF Taylor Swift, best known for been dumped by Joe Jonas in a 27-min breakup call. Now Joe is dating (possibly for publicity reasons) Selena's ex BFF Demi Lovato, who used to be friends with Taylor Swift as well and who is now best besties with Selena's frenemy Miley Cyrus. Did I got it right? And could this kids please find a new group of friends?
—Coco

Dear Incest:
I think I followed all of that. I'm gonna go with yes. Although some of those "relationships" were hardly that.