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Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart

ABC/CRAIG SJODIN

First of all, I do not hate Taylor Lautner, as Martha from Chicago complains in today's Bitch-Back. I simply tire of his exquisitely coiffed abs and hair being shoved down us Twilight-oriented fans every breathing second.

As far as I'm concerned, that's Robsten's job, and Robsten's job only.

And for those of you nuts who are right about now saying, "Ted, you idiot New Moon and Eclipse are more about Taylor and Kristen," I say eat my Rob Pattinson cut-out, it's Hollywood, there's no reason storylines can't be bent for the media and the hotter couple be utilized to sell the merchandise!

Besides, Taylor is too damn perfect.

He's getting eerily reminiscent of a pod-creature who's been sent to us from Planet Preteen. Does he ever get a blemish or past a mirror without stopping?

Another weird dynamic about this Taylor Thing was is that Oscar he united two most unlikely goss reporters:

As soon as I was done interviewing winners from backstage at the Kodak, who should come up to me but that delightfully outspoken Lainey, too weird, and here's why:

She was all fresh-faced and adorable, I was shocked. I mean, really, judging by that broad's cranky-ass poking at my sometimes deranged devotion to all things Robsten, I thought the babe would be guzzling a brew and spitting chew at me.

But, instead, we completely bonded over how well Kristen handled herself Oscar night—in fact, Lainey wrote up later what we both agreed on: that Kristen was perfectly at ease being natural, and Taylor's apparently from outer space.

Well, Lainey says he's Tom Cruise, Jr., but, it may be the same thing, at this stage.

Point is, we were both so put out by Taylor's auto-smile, we both forget to tell each other how much we disagree with each other about Robsten!

Or, at least, I did. Which is saying something, considering how much I believe in the rebel duo—and have always made plain.

Note to Taylor: Please fart in public—or do something half-human—and redeem yourself, I beg you.

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Sunday wasn't all about Taylor and Stewart, check out other Big Moments From the Show