Bitch-Back! What's With Brooke & Charlie's Sex Life?

Sheen might shock us again; plus, red carpet appearances don’t appease Twi-hards

Dear Ted:
I just read that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are/were swingers! Sadly, that doesn't surprise me. But I have to know: Were they Blind Vices whose dirty secrets have been revealed?"
—Tell me

Dear Dirty:
Nothing these two do surprises me, but I think both put-upon, dragged-threw-the-tabloid-mud 'rents have higher priorities than amping up their sex lives right now: mainly, their children, which everybody seems to be forgetting. As for Charlie and Brooke's kinkiness, specifically, Charlie's, yes, I can account for, as he has been a Vice regular. Brooke? Don't really care, to be honest with you.

Dear Ted:
Seann William Scott is sexy, magnetic, charismatic, possessed of excellent comedic timing and the only redeeming feature of his latest feature. (Did I mention that he's sexy?) He really has what it takes to be a bigger star than he is. So he's got to be a Blind Vice, right? Please tell me it's not the kind of thing to hold a man back or drag him down. He doesn't hang with Morgan Mayhem's crowd, does he?
—Dying to Know

Dear Sweetie:
Didn't know Stifler still had such loyal fans, but I'm not surprised, as I so agree with you. Seann is adorable for sure. And even though Seann's ways are totally different from those of Morgan, yes, Scott's a B.V. alum. Excellent radar there, sweetheart.

Dear Ted:
This has to be the cutest thing ever! Like any girl in love knows! There is nothing better than wearing your boyfriend's shirt! (Especially if you will be away from one another for a while!) And since he wore it yesterday, you know it smells just like him! *sigh*
—Calley

Dear Robsten Love:
Not sure those are the same shirts Rob and Kristen are wearing (looks like K.Stew's has a zipper), but either way, it's always supercute when our fave couples start dressing alike. Guess these two have more in common than being ridiculously attractive? Stupid question, I know.

Dear Ted:
With Kristen Stewart showing up on the red carpet at the Remember Me premiere, I expected you to revel in all the Robsten love we have been seeing lately, maybe with a few gloating I-told-you-so's thrown in. Instead you throw us a curveball with the "talk of calling it quits" post. Were you really hinting at a Robsten breakup all along and I was too dense to see it? If so, I really need to learn Ted-speak. Thanks for clarifying.
—Annie

Dear Translation:
I think Robsten's recent appearances and PDA speak to the relationship far better than what I could tell you about was definitely going on prior. That was then. This is now. And by the by, I could not be happier this is the route Robsten chose—but trust me, it was a choice.

Dear Ted:
I think Zachary Levi is freaking adorable. What's the scoop on him? Has he been a B.V.?
—Megan

Dear Fan:
All that you need to know right now, Meg, is that he's (a) single and (b) currently Blind-Vice free. Grad him while he's fresh and hot!

Dear Ted:
Wow Ted, you definitely need to clear things up about Rob and Kris, 'cause all hell is breaking loose! A lot of people are confused because of your alternate language, and since when were they close to "calling it quits"? And how come are people saying this "Nick" guy is your "Deep Twi source"? Also, I definitely think Rob and Kris are a couple, but all these columns of yours and what people are saying are really starting to confuse me about their relationship!
—Faye

Dear Explain:
A couple of things—Robsten has their up/down/on/off times just like every other couple around. Let them. Secondly, I never reveal my sources.

Dear Ted:
I think Rob and Kristen are breaking free from the chains that Summit has put on their relationship. Even though the two aren't coming out and saying that they are a couple, actions do speak louder than words, and in this case, their actions say plenty.
—Faye

Dear Twi-hard:
Agreed!

Dear Ted:
Why does Disney think everyone can be successful in singing acting and performing like Miley? I mean, the sales have proved that only Miley has that kind of power and Selena truly doesn't have the singing talent or the love for music as Miley does.
—Just wondering

Dear Miley only:
First, Disney has a pretty good track record for young breakout talent. Secondly, Selena and Miley are pretty different—Miley is great at what she does, but Selena is way classier. Saying she's not as good because she's not as successful Miley is like saying you want to group up and be a deranged publicist. Please pause and rethink this one.

Dear Ted:
My first gut instinct on Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off were not answered by you, so I thought perhaps I was close or even right? Then, just yesterday, someone made a guess about Will and Jada Pinkett Smith...you said to think more athletic for the hubby Chester...so I still think I'm on the right path...are they Posh Spice and David Beckham? I know you have tons of emails to go through, but can you tell me if I'm close?
—Laurie

Dear Guessing Game:
Yes, I can, and, darling, you are. Congrats! Just not quite enough, though. Think slightly less gorgeous and a bit more talented, and I'm sure you'll see the gleaming light. 

Dear Ted:
I'm a huge fan of your column and of American Idol, so I was wondering if you had heard anything about Simon Cowell's apparent impending wedding? I'm confused, as I've read all the articles and can't seem to find a straight answer anywhere. What's really going on with that, Ted?
—Pete

Dear Nuptials:
According to Ryan Seacrest, Cowell is totally committed to his gal, which, if you ask me, is a sign it ain't happenin'.

Dear Ted:
If Toothy Tile decides to come out, how do you see him doing it, in a magazine, on a talk show, releasing a picture that says it all or just living his life without saying a word?
—Peter

Dear Choices:
All that, only in reverse order. Ellen, I'm sure, will be the lucky interviewer.

Dear Ted:
You know some people think Cruella St. Shackles used to play a girl named Buffy, but you said a long time ago that Sarah Michelle Gellar was already a Blind Vice, so if she's Cruella, it's her second nom de guerre. So which is it? Or did someone steal the G pages out of your little black book?
—Curious

Dear Detective:
It's somebody different entirely, darling, much more glam.

Dear Ted:
Can you give me any goods on Glee? I've heard that Lea Michele has turned into quite the diva. Any truth to this, or any other drama behind the scenes of our favorite small screen musical? Love you, thanks for being an advocate for our favorite four-legged friends!
—Kate

Dear Gleeful:
Can't wait for Glee to return to TV! The cast has been pretty MIA lately, but Lea has been looking bangin' on the red carpet. Looks like the cast is leaving the H.S. drama to the plotline. Of course, that's a complete lie, and Lea's the next Nikki Reed of TV, I predict.